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| Super-duper Joke Thread | |
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| Tweet Topic Started: February 21, 2014, 10:11 am (62,892 Views) | |
| Blackjack | February 21, 2014, 10:11 am Post #1 |
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After giving it some thought I have decided to create the Super-duper Joke Thread where all of the jokes can be posted rather than opening a new thread every day. This way you all can add jokes of your own too. Let's go! Emergency call. There was a hysterical call at the fire department, and it went like this: Caller: Help me, please help me; there is a cat meowing and yowling with frequency and urgency. It is going to hurt me, it's going to kill me; can you please help me, and send the fire squad right away? Fire Department:Take it easy, cats don’t hurt us, just relax wait until he leaves. Caller:You don’t understand it is going to bite me, it is going to kill me; it is going to be fatal! Fire Department: Cats aren’t like snakes or spiders that are poisonous, by the way who is calling? Caller: I’m Josephine’s parrot you jerk! Help me please, please help! |
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| Blackjack | June 26, 2017, 6:17 am Post #1471 |
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A married couple was invited to a wedding that neither of them wanted to go to, but they felt obligated to go because the man getting married worked at the same firm as the husband. They were asking each other what they should bring as a wedding gift, when the wife had a great idea: they could take the engraved silver platter that was given to them for their wedding, have it re-engraved and give that as a gift. After all, they couldn't remember who gave it to them so it had no sentimental value, and they never used it. So the next day they grabbed the platter and brought it in to an engraver and they told them what they wanted done. The engraver nodded, then looked closely at the platter and said, "Look, we can only do this so many times..." |
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| Blackjack | June 27, 2017, 7:10 am Post #1472 |
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So my Irish friend decided to tell his community he's an atheist... One man in the crowd stood up and yelled "So, is it the Catholic God you don't believe in or the Protestant God?" |
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| Blackjack | June 28, 2017, 8:04 am Post #1473 |
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A professor, a CEO, and a janitor are in a forest when they discover a magic fairy. The fairy says "I will give you what you most desire if you do someone else's job for a day." The professor says "I'll be an elementary school teacher. What can be so hard about teaching a bunch of 6-year-olds how to read?" so he is teleported into a classroom. After a few minutes, all the kids' screaming gets to his nerves, so he throws all his supplies and gives up. The C.E.O says "I'll be a waiter. All you do is carry food back and forth. This'll be a breeze" so he is teleported to a restaurant. After about an hour, all the annoying customers drive him insane, so he smashes his plates on the ground and gives up. The janitor says "I'll be an artist" so he is transported to an art facility. He glues all the classroom supplies and shattered plates to a canvas, then sells it for a billion dollars. The fairy asks the janitor how he was so clever. The janitor says "I got a masters degree in art." |
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| Blackjack | June 29, 2017, 3:29 pm Post #1474 |
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How to tell if you are old? Pretend to fall down. If people laugh, you are not old yet. |
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| Blackjack | June 30, 2017, 10:37 am Post #1475 |
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Groaner of the week. I have a chicken proof lawn… It's impeccable… |
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| Blackjack | July 1, 2017, 7:44 am Post #1476 |
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John finally decided to tie the knot with his long-time girlfriend. One evening, after their honeymoon, he was welding some stuff in the garage, just for fun. His new wife was standing there at the bench watching him. After a long period of silence she finally spoke................. "Honey, I've just been thinking, now that we are married, maybe it's time you quit spending all your time out here in the shop. You probably should just consider selling all your welders along with your gun collection and that stupid vintage Harley.” John got a horrified look on his face. She said"Darling, what's wrong?" He replied, "There, for a minute, you were starting to sound like my ex-wife." "Ex-wife!" she screamed, "YOU NEVER TOLD ME YOU WERE MARRIED BEFORE!" Tom replied: “I wasn't." |
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| cricket55 | July 1, 2017, 5:05 pm Post #1477 |
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Want to hear a dirty joke???? There was this little boy........ he fell into a mud puddle. |
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| cricket55 | July 1, 2017, 5:06 pm Post #1478 |
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:fish |
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| Blackjack | July 2, 2017, 4:25 am Post #1479 |
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In Jamaica you can get a steak and kidney pie for £1.75, a chicken and mushroom pie for £1.60 and an apple pie for £2.15. In St Kitts and Nevis a steak and kidney pie will cost you £2, a chicken pie (without mushrooms) is £1.70 and a cherry pie can be yours for £1.95. In Trinidad and Tobago, that steak and kidney pie comes in at £2.50, but you can two for £3.50, while the chicken and mushroom pie is £2.25, or two for £3.25. They also offer meat and potato pie for £2, or two for £3. Their apple pies and cherry pies are often sold for £2.75, or two (any combination) for £4.75. Those are the Pie Rates of the Caribbean |
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| M. Hawbaker | July 2, 2017, 4:57 am Post #1480 |
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:groan |
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| Blackjack | July 3, 2017, 7:46 am Post #1481 |
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The Pope was very early for a flight one day. He asks his driver on his way to the airport if he could drive around for a while because they have time to kill and he hasn't driven a car since becoming the pope. Naturally, he's a bit rusty, so he's driving poorly, when suddenly he sees police lights behind him. He pulls over and when the officer comes up to the window his eyes go wide. He says to the pope "Hold on for a minute," and goes back to his car to radio the chief. Cop: "Chief we have a situation. I've pulled over an important figure." Chief: "How important? A governor or something?" Cop: "No sir. He's bigger." Chief: "So, what? a celebrity or something?" Cop: "More important, sir." Chief: "A major politician?" Cop: "No sir, he's much more important." Chief: "WELL WHO IS IT!?" Cop: "Well actually I'm not sure. But the pope's his driver." |
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| M. Hawbaker | July 4, 2017, 5:23 am Post #1482 |
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| Blackjack | July 4, 2017, 7:46 am Post #1483 |
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My seatmate on a flight was a woman. Ever the charmer, I asked, “Does the airline charge you extra for sitting next to good-looking men?” “Yes,” she said, “but I wasn’t willing to pay.” |
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| cricket55 | July 4, 2017, 8:47 am Post #1484 |
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:rofl |
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| Blackjack | July 5, 2017, 4:47 am Post #1485 |
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As a 7th grade biology teacher, I was teaching my class about the flow of blood in the body. After my lecture I asked the class the following: “Why is it that if I would turn upside down, my face would turn red since the blood would flow to my head, but when I stand upright my feet don’t turn red?” I was taken aback when a boy blurted out, “that’s cuz your feet aint empty!”. |
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