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Super-duper Joke Thread
Topic Started: February 21, 2014, 10:11 am (62,893 Views)
Blackjack

After giving it some thought I have decided to create the Super-duper Joke Thread where all of the jokes can be posted rather than opening a new thread every day. This way you all can add jokes of your own too. Let's go!

Emergency call.

There was a hysterical call at the fire department, and it went like this:
Caller: Help me, please help me; there is a cat meowing and yowling with frequency and urgency. It is going to hurt me, it's going to kill me; can you please help me, and send the fire squad right away?
Fire Department:Take it easy, cats don’t hurt us, just relax wait until he leaves.
Caller:You don’t understand it is going to bite me, it is going to kill me; it is going to be fatal!
Fire Department: Cats aren’t like snakes or spiders that are poisonous, by the way who is calling?
Caller: I’m Josephine’s parrot you jerk! Help me please, please help!


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Blackjack

My grandfather always voted democrat. Now that he is dead, he can vote democrat twice.
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Blackjack

What is pointless? To tell a bald guy a hair-raising story.
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Blackjack

A man decided to go on a safari. He took his faithful dog along for company. One day the dog starts chasing butterflies and before long the dog discovers that he is lost. So, wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the obvious intention of having lunch.

The dog thinks, “Oh boy, I’m in deep stuff now.” Then he notices some bones lying nearby on the ground and immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat.

Just as the leopard is about to leap, the dog exclaims loudly, “That was one delicious leopard. I wonder if there are any more around here?”

Hearing this, the leopard halts his attack in mid-stride, and slinks away into the trees. “Whew”, says the leopard. “That was close. That dog nearly had me.”

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard.

So off he goes. But the dog sees him heading off after the leopard and figures that something is amiss. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans about the dog’s ruse and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard. The leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, “Hop on my back, monkey, and see what’s going to happen to that conniving canine. “Now the dog sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back, and thinks, “Oh boy, it looks like I’ve really had it now.”

But instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to the leopard and the monkey and pretends that he hasn’t seen them. And just when they get close enough to hear him, the dog says… “Where is that monkey? .. I sent him off an hour ago to get me another leopard and he’s still not back.”
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Blackjack

There are two types of countries, those that use the metric system and those that have put a man on the moon.
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warrior-child
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Blackjack
June 16, 2017, 5:56 am
A man decided to go on a safari. He took his faithful dog along for company. One day the dog starts chasing butterflies and before long the dog discovers that he is lost. So, wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the obvious intention of having lunch.

The dog thinks, “Oh boy, I’m in deep stuff now.” Then he notices some bones lying nearby on the ground and immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat.

Just as the leopard is about to leap, the dog exclaims loudly, “That was one delicious leopard. I wonder if there are any more around here?”

Hearing this, the leopard halts his attack in mid-stride, and slinks away into the trees. “Whew”, says the leopard. “That was close. That dog nearly had me.”

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard.

So off he goes. But the dog sees him heading off after the leopard and figures that something is amiss. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans about the dog’s ruse and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard. The leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, “Hop on my back, monkey, and see what’s going to happen to that conniving canine. “Now the dog sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back, and thinks, “Oh boy, it looks like I’ve really had it now.”

But instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to the leopard and the monkey and pretends that he hasn’t seen them. And just when they get close enough to hear him, the dog says… “Where is that monkey? .. I sent him off an hour ago to get me another leopard and he’s still not back.”
:hysterical I love it!
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warrior-child
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Blackjack
June 17, 2017, 2:26 pm
There are two types of countries, those that use the metric system and those that have put a man on the moon.
:thumb

:lol
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Blackjack

Did you ever get the feeling the world is a tuxedo and you're a pair of brown shoes? -- George Gobel
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Blackjack

One for the kids.

What do you call a monkey holding a fire cracker? A Baboom!
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Blackjack

Girls have fake nails, hair, eyelashes and tans but handbags, they have to be real.
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M. Hawbaker
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Why was the cellphone wearing glasses?






























Because he lost all his contacts.
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Blackjack

A delightful angelic little boy was waiting for his mother outside the ladies room of the gas station.

As he stood there, he was approached by a man who asked, "Sonny, can you tell me where the Post Office is?"

The little boy replied, "Sure! Just go straight down this street two blocks and turn to your right. It's on the left."

The man thanked the boy kindly, complimented him on how bright he was and said, "I'm the new pastor in town. If you and your mommy come to church on Sunday, I'll show you how to get to Heaven."

The little boy replied with a chuckle; "You're kidding me, right? You can't even find the Post Office."
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Blackjack

Some Man got lost in a desert. Exhausted to the last degree and losing all hope, he suddenly finds a lamp. He rubs it and naturally, in a puff of smoke Genie emerges, offering to grant a wish as a sign of gratitude. So Man wishes:

-- I want to get home!

-- No problem! -- answers Genie -- Let's go! -- and starts walking.

Following him a few steps, Man suddenly stops:

-- Hey! I want to get home quick!

-- As you wish, buddy! -- says Genie -- Let's run!
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Blackjack

Chinese takeout $30.00…gas to pick it up $20.00…

Getting home and realizing they have forgotten one of your containers…

Riceless
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Blackjack

Your groaner of the week. My son (works at Target) hates me. :lol

A man walks into Target. He gets a cart and visits each aisle picking out various items that he's never bought before. He takes his overloaded buggie up to the checkout and calmly watches each item beginning scanned. When it's over and the cashier asks for payment, he says, "Oh I don't have any money. This was just Target practice."
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Blackjack

A young man was in love with two women and could not decide which of them to marry.

Finally he went to a marriage counselor. When asked to describe his two loves, he noted that one made delicious pancakes and the other was a great poet.

"Oh" said the counselor, "I see what the problem is. You can't decide whether to marry for batter or verse."
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