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Super-duper Joke Thread
Topic Started: February 21, 2014, 10:11 am (62,894 Views)
Blackjack

After giving it some thought I have decided to create the Super-duper Joke Thread where all of the jokes can be posted rather than opening a new thread every day. This way you all can add jokes of your own too. Let's go!

Emergency call.

There was a hysterical call at the fire department, and it went like this:
Caller: Help me, please help me; there is a cat meowing and yowling with frequency and urgency. It is going to hurt me, it's going to kill me; can you please help me, and send the fire squad right away?
Fire Department:Take it easy, cats don’t hurt us, just relax wait until he leaves.
Caller:You don’t understand it is going to bite me, it is going to kill me; it is going to be fatal!
Fire Department: Cats aren’t like snakes or spiders that are poisonous, by the way who is calling?
Caller: I’m Josephine’s parrot you jerk! Help me please, please help!


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warrior-child
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Blackjack
May 29, 2017, 6:51 am
Two years ago, I applied for a job at a major conpqny. They called me in for an interview with the board of directors, and it went pretty well. The next day I got a call... it was the vice president on the line!

"Listen, sir", he told me, "you left me very impressed yesterday. But we're still left with another candidate with very similar education and work background, impressive interview... it's practically a tie between you two. So, the Board of Directors has decided to have you both come in to answer a ten question test about our company. Whoever gets the higher score will get the job".

So the next morning I went to the his office. The other candidate was there - he looked really too smart. So we were told to sit down at two desks, side by side, and were given the test.

After we finished the test, the vice president calls me back into his office. "Listen... we've scored the tests. You both got nine out of ten, and both missed question #5. But unfortunately we're going to have to pick the other guy."

"What? Why?" I asked, shocked. "But we got the same question wrong!"

"Yes," he answered, "but it had more to do with your answers to #5. The other candidate answered, 'I don't know', and you answered 'Neither do I'."
:hysterical
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Blackjack

The oldest computer can be traced back to Adam and Eve.

Surprise! Surprise! It was an Apple.

But with extremely limited memory.

Just 1 byte.

Then everything crashed.
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Blackjack

Man with a beard 100 years ago: “OK, I’ll go chop down some trees.” Man with a beard now: “I found a great face mask that’s gluten-free.”
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Blackjack

Prison may be just one word...
but to others, it's a whole sentence .
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Blackjack

Meanwhile in a parallel universe: “Oh for crying out loud! Where are all these extra single socks coming from?!”
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Blackjack

"Your next spelling word is: beheaded. Can you use it in a sentence please?"

"Sure, Kathy Griffin beheaded to the unemployment office."
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Blackjack

My wife grinds her teeth while she sleeps and cries when she gets frustrated.

The preacher used to warn me hell would be like this.
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Blackjack

A man and his family walk into a bar...

Inside of the bar, the man's youngest child sees a Native American sitting under a sign stating "World's longest memory". The child walks up to sign and decides to test if this sign is true. The child asks "What did you have for breakfast 30 years ago?"

The Native American states "eggs."

The child states that the native could have just made that up, and then later leaves the bar.

Years later, the now grown child returns back with his own family he sees the same native at the bar. Walking up to the man, he states a stereotypical "How!"

The Native replies "scrambled."
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Blackjack

Hits real close to home!


I went for a run , but came home back after a minute because I forgot something.

I forgot that I was fat and couldn't run for more than a minute.
Edited by Blackjack, June 6, 2017, 7:02 am.
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Blackjack

I broke wind on an elevator the other day...

which was wrong on so many levels.
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Blackjack

Why don't some couples go to the gym?

Because some relationships don't work out.
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Blackjack

What did the classical-only DJ say?

If it ain't baroque, don't mix it.
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Blackjack

Typical savage military humor. I heard lots of barbs like this when I was in the army. No quarter is asked and none is given. :pound Advance apologies if this is too rude for this board.



One day there were two soldiers, a Pershing Missile crewman and an infantryman, sitting next to each other getting a haircut and a shave. At the end of the shave, the barber went to go put some aftershave on the infantryman. The infantryman stopped the barber and said, “Skip the aftershave, I don’t want to go home to my wife smelling like a whore house” When the Pershing Missile crewman was done the barber hesitated but the crewman said, “Go ahead, my wife doesn’t know what a whore house smells like”.
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Blackjack

The Unathletic Camper’s Baseball Glossary


Baseball bat: a wooden or 
metal bar that can easily fly out of someone’s hands.

Foul ball: a moment when you think, Holy cow, I got a hit!

Babe Ruth: someone who people tell you was also overweight.

Right field: a quiet place where you can sit for long stretches and play with dandelions. Until suddenly you hear a clang and some shouting and immediately understand life is about to get much harder.

Fly ball: when the sun drops 
a boulder on your head.

Shortstop: a position that 
involves mostly ground balls 
and that you think maybe you can play.

Line drive: the reason you can’t play shortstop.

Innings: the amount of time 
left before afternoon snack, 
divided by nine.
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Blackjack

Upon returning to England from the Falkland Islands, three soldiers that had distinguished themselves in battle were summoned to the General’s office.

“Since we weren’t actually at war,” the General began, “I can’t give out any medals.

We did, however, want to let each of you know your efforts were appreciated.

What we’ve decided to do is to let each of you choose two points on your body.

You will be given two pounds sterling for each inch of distance between those parts.

We’ll start on the left, boys, so what’ll it be?”

Soldier 1: “The tip of me head to me toes, sahr!”

General: “Very good son, that’s 70 inches which comes to 140 pounds”

Soldier 2: “The tip of the finger on one outstretched hand to the tip of the other, sir!”

General: “Even better son, that’s 72 inches which comes to 144 pounds”

Soldier 3: “The palm of me hand to the tip of me left pinky, sahr!”

General: “That’s a strange but fair request, son!

As the general begins the measurement: “What!

Son, where is your left pinky?”

Soldier 3: “Falkland Island, sahr!”
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