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Super-duper Joke Thread
Topic Started: February 21, 2014, 10:11 am (62,896 Views)
Blackjack

After giving it some thought I have decided to create the Super-duper Joke Thread where all of the jokes can be posted rather than opening a new thread every day. This way you all can add jokes of your own too. Let's go!

Emergency call.

There was a hysterical call at the fire department, and it went like this:
Caller: Help me, please help me; there is a cat meowing and yowling with frequency and urgency. It is going to hurt me, it's going to kill me; can you please help me, and send the fire squad right away?
Fire Department:Take it easy, cats don’t hurt us, just relax wait until he leaves.
Caller:You don’t understand it is going to bite me, it is going to kill me; it is going to be fatal!
Fire Department: Cats aren’t like snakes or spiders that are poisonous, by the way who is calling?
Caller: I’m Josephine’s parrot you jerk! Help me please, please help!


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Blackjack

A wealthy man met a beggar on the street.

The beggar pleaded to the wealthy man to give him a dollar to buy something to eat.

"You poor fellow," said the wealthy man. "Come with me and I'll buy you a drink."

"Actually, I don't drink. But I would like something to eat."

"Here, my friend. Take one of my Cuban cigars," the wealthy man urged.

"Sorry, sir," said the bum. "I don't smoke."

"Very well, then come with me to Atlantic City! I'll stake you in the casino and perhaps you'll win enough to get your life back on track."

"I don't gamble either, sir. But I would still very much like a bite to eat."

"You want to eat?", asked the wealthy man. "Alright, come home with me and have dinner with my family."

"That's very kind of you, sir. Thank you!"

"Not at all," replied the wealthy man. "I just want my wife to see what happens to a man that doesn't drink, smoke, or gamble."
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Blackjack

I was walking behind a woman at 3 o'clock in the morning after a night out.

She gave a slight glance towards me and She started walking faster, so I walked faster.

She started running, so I started running.

She started screaming, so I started screaming.

I was too scared to look behind and never did find out what we were running away from.
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cricket55
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A guy was having some strange dreams and decided to talk with his psychiatrist about what they ment. The guy states he had a dream he was a pub tent and in another dream just a tent.
The psychiatrist states it was easy to see that he was too tense.
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Blackjack

I learned my lesson about speeding today, and I'll definitely make sure it never happens again...

I didn’t get pulled over or anything, it's just that I got to work 20 minutes early.
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Blackjack



"The neighbors hate us."
"Why?"
"Well, you remember when we had that bonfire in my yard, and were roasting marshmallows?"
"Yeah, that was really fun."
"And remember how the house up the road caught fire, and all those fire engines came, and we ran to see what was going on, and the wife was crying in her husband's arms, and how everyone looked at us funny?"
"Yeah, I remember! I wondered what we'd done..."
"We were still holding our marshmallow sticks."
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Blackjack

Special bonus joke. Helps if you know basic Spanish. Say it out loud!

A Spanish man who spoke no English went into a department store to buy socks. He found his way to the menswear department where a young lady offered to help him.
"Quiero calcetines" said the man.
"I don't speak Spanish, but we have some very nice suits over here." said the salesgirl.
"No, no quiero trajes. Quiero calcetines." said the man.
"Well, these shirts are on sale this week." declared the salesgirl.
"No, no quiero camisas. Quiero calcetines." repeated the man.
"I still don't know what you're trying to say. We have some fine pants on this rack." offered the salesgirl.
"No, no quiero pantalones. Quiero calcetines." insisted the man.
"These sweaters are top quality." the salesgirl probed.
"No, no quiero sueter. Quiero calcetines." said the man.
"Our undershirts are over here." fumbled the salesgirl, beginning to lose patience.
"No, no quiero camisetas. Quiero calcetines." the man repeated.
As they passed the underwear counter, the man spotted a display of socks and happily grabbed a pair. Holding them up he proclaimed "Eso sí que es!".
"Well, if you could spell it, why didn't you do that in the beginning?" asked the exasperated salesgirl.

Edited by Blackjack, May 11, 2017, 12:18 pm.
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Blackjack

A 40 year old man asked the trainer in the gym, "I want to impress beautiful girls, which machine should I use?"

The trainer replied, "Outside the gym there is an ATM. Try that."
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Blackjack

An oldie.

A man walks into a grocery store and picks up 1 loaf of bread, 1 carton of eggs, 1/2 gallon of milk, and a copy of Sports Illustrated. He proceeds the cashier.
She says "Oh, you must be single".
"Yes" He said shyly "How could you tell?"
" Because you're ugly," she says.
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Blackjack

Only anti-vaxxers will get this...

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Measles
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M. Hawbaker
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Posted Image
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Blackjack

:rofl
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Blackjack

My mother said, "You won't amount to anything because you procrastinate."

I told her, "Oh yea... Just you wait."
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cricket55
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M. Hawbaker
May 14, 2017, 10:54 am
:hysterical
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Blackjack

I was tempted by an offer which read, “Sausage Biscuits 2 for $1.00". "How much is it for one?” I asked.
"75 cents”, she replied.
"Ok, I'll have the other one".
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Blackjack

What do you call a woman who can't draw?

Tracy.
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