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Super-duper Joke Thread
Topic Started: February 21, 2014, 10:11 am (62,898 Views)
Blackjack

After giving it some thought I have decided to create the Super-duper Joke Thread where all of the jokes can be posted rather than opening a new thread every day. This way you all can add jokes of your own too. Let's go!

Emergency call.

There was a hysterical call at the fire department, and it went like this:
Caller: Help me, please help me; there is a cat meowing and yowling with frequency and urgency. It is going to hurt me, it's going to kill me; can you please help me, and send the fire squad right away?
Fire Department:Take it easy, cats don’t hurt us, just relax wait until he leaves.
Caller:You don’t understand it is going to bite me, it is going to kill me; it is going to be fatal!
Fire Department: Cats aren’t like snakes or spiders that are poisonous, by the way who is calling?
Caller: I’m Josephine’s parrot you jerk! Help me please, please help!


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Blackjack

Never date a tennis player. To them love means nothing.
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Blackjack

An oldie from the Soviet Union.


A Frenchman, an Englishman, and a Soviet Russian are admiring a painting of Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden.

The Frenchman says, "They must be French; they're naked and they're eating fruit."

The Englishman says, "Clearly they're English; observe how politely the woman is offering fruit to the man."

The Russian replies, "No, they are Russian communists, of course. They have no house, nothing to wear, little to eat, and think they are in Paradise."
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Blackjack

Accordion to scientific studies, 90% ..


of people do not realize I replaced the beginning of this joke with a musical instrument.
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warrior-child
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:lol Scott I just figured ur spell checker wasn't working
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Blackjack

warrior-child
April 19, 2017, 8:40 pm
:lol Scott I just figured ur spell checker wasn't working
Evidently I am of the 90%. First time I read that my mind breezed right over "accordion" and substituted "according" with no conscious thought. That's why I thought it was funny.
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Blackjack

So today is 4/20.

4/20 is national weed day, 4/21 is national surprise drug test day and 4/22 is national unemployment day.
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M. Hawbaker
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:rofl
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Blackjack

<sigh> The times we live in.


Why don't ethnic and gender studies majors become astronauts?

Because there's no such thing as safe space.
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Blackjack

A scientific study discovered that women with extra weight usually live longer than men who point it out.
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Blackjack

I’ve just started reading my first ever Braille horror story and I think that something scary is about to happen, I can feel it.
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warrior-child
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Blackjack
April 22, 2017, 1:57 pm
A scientific study discovered that women with extra weight usually live longer than men who point it out.
:hysterical
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Blackjack

You will not believe what just happened.. I pulled into the gas station to get a coffee. When I walked up I noticed these 2 cops watching a woman who was smoking while pumping gas... I saw her and thought, "Is she stupid?!! With the cops right there?!" But anyways, I went in and got my coffee. As I was checking out, I heard someone screaming... I looked outside and the woman's arm was on fire! She was swinging her arm around trying to get the flames to go out and running around going crazy!

I ran outside and the cops had put her on the ground and were putting the fire out with a fire blanket. Then they put handcuffs on her and threw her in the police car... I was thinking "She shouldn't have been smoking near the pump while getting gas!" But being the nosy person that I am, I asked the cops what they were arresting her for... The cop looked me dead in my eyes and said ... "Waving a firearm!"
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Blackjack

After running tests a doctor says to the patient, "I'm sorry but I have two bits of bad news."

"The first is that you have cancer."

Guy goes "Darn it! What's the other bad news?"

Doctor says, "You have Alzheimer's."

Guy says, "Well, at least I don't have cancer."
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Blackjack

Two bacteria walk into a bar. The bartender says, “We don’t serve bacteria here.”

The bacteria say, “But we work here, we’re staph"
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Blackjack

Whats the difference between a amateur thief and a professional thief?

An amateur thief says, "Give me all your money!"

A professional thief says, "Sign here please.."
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