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| Super-duper Joke Thread | |
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| Tweet Topic Started: February 21, 2014, 10:11 am (62,899 Views) | |
| Blackjack | February 21, 2014, 10:11 am Post #1 |
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After giving it some thought I have decided to create the Super-duper Joke Thread where all of the jokes can be posted rather than opening a new thread every day. This way you all can add jokes of your own too. Let's go! Emergency call. There was a hysterical call at the fire department, and it went like this: Caller: Help me, please help me; there is a cat meowing and yowling with frequency and urgency. It is going to hurt me, it's going to kill me; can you please help me, and send the fire squad right away? Fire Department:Take it easy, cats don’t hurt us, just relax wait until he leaves. Caller:You don’t understand it is going to bite me, it is going to kill me; it is going to be fatal! Fire Department: Cats aren’t like snakes or spiders that are poisonous, by the way who is calling? Caller: I’m Josephine’s parrot you jerk! Help me please, please help! |
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| Blackjack | March 27, 2017, 7:41 am Post #1366 |
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I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high. She seemed surprised. Bonus! Two for one day. During his physical, the doctor asked the patient about his daily activity level. He described a typical day this way: “Well, yesterday afternoon, I waded along the edge of a lake, drank eight beers, escaped from wild dogs in the heavy brush, jumped away from an aggressive rattlesnake, marched up and down several rocky hills, stood in a patch of poison ivy, crawled out of quicksand and took four leaks behind big trees.” Inspired by the story, the doctor said,“You must be quite the outdoorsman!” ”NAH,” he replied, “I'm just a terrible golfer.” |
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| Blackjack | March 28, 2017, 7:25 am Post #1367 |
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A mafia boss had a deaf book keeper, hired because he would never overhear anything. One day the boss discovered that his trusty book keeper had been stealing from him for the better part of 30 years, totaling upwards of $18 million. He went to confront the book keeper about his missing money, taking along his personal lawyer, who happened to be fluent in in American Sign Language. The mob boss barked at his lawyer, "Ask him where my money is!" "Where's the money?" the lawyer signed. The book keeper signed back, "I don't know what you're talking about." "He says he doesn't know what your talking about," said the lawyer. At that the mafioso took out a pistol. "Tell him I'll kill him if he doesn't come clean quick," he said. The lawyer signed to the book keeper, "He says he'll kill you if you don't tell him right now." Trembling, the book keeper signed back, "Okay! The money is in a black suitcase, buried behind the shed at my cousin Gino's house." "What did he say?" the mob boss asked the lawyer. "He says you don't have the guts to pull the trigger." |
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| Blackjack | March 29, 2017, 9:02 am Post #1368 |
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A man sees a sign outside a house - 'Talking Dog For Sale' He rings the bell, the owner appears and tells him the dog can be viewed in the back garden. The man sees a very nice looking Labrador Retriever sitting there. "Do you really talk?" he asks the dog. "Yes," the Labrador replies. After recovering from the shock of hearing the dog talk, the man asks, "So, tell me your story." The Labrador looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I was sold to the CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one imagined that a dog would be eaves dropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years". "But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at Laguardia Airport to do some undercover security work, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded several medals". "Then I got married, had a few puppies, and now I've just retired." The man is amazed. He goes back into the house and asks the owner how much he wants for the dog. "Ten bucks," the owner says. "$10?! But your dog is absolutely amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheaply?" "Because he's lying, he's never been out of the garden." |
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| Blackjack | March 31, 2017, 5:17 pm Post #1369 |
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If you drink the blue liquid from one of those Magic 8-balls you can see the future. Trust me, my friend Keith did. He said he was going to die and then he did. |
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| Blackjack | April 1, 2017, 11:30 am Post #1370 |
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A math professor, John, is having problems with his sink so he calls a plumber. The plumber comes over and quickly fixes the sink. The professor is happy until he gets the bill. He tells the plumber, "How can you charge this much? This is half of my paycheck." But he pays it anyways. The plumber tells him, "Hey, we are looking for more plumbers. You could become a plumber and triple your salary. Just make sure you say you only made it to 6th grade, they don't like educated people." The professor takes him up on the offer and becomes a plumber. His salary triples and he doesn't have to work nearly as hard. But the company makes an announcement that all of their plumbers must get a 7th grade education. So they all go to night school. On the first day of night school they all attend math class. The teacher wants to gauge the class so he asks John, "What is the formula for the area of a circle?" John walks up to the board and is about to write the formula when he realizes he has forgotten it. So he begins to attempt to derive the formula, filling the board with complicated mathematics. He ends up figuring out it is negative pi times radius squared. He thinks the minus doesn't belong so he starts over, but again he comes up with the same equation. After staring at the board for a minute he looks out at the other plumbers and sees that they are all whispering, "Switch the limits on the integral |
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| Blackjack | April 2, 2017, 7:34 am Post #1371 |
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A man dies and goes to hell There he finds that there is a different hell for each country. He goes to the German hell and asks, "What do they do there?" He told, "First they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then the German devil comes in and beats you for the rest of the day." The man doesn't like it, so he moves on and checks out the American hell, the Russian hell and hells of other countries. He finds that they're all more or less the same as the German hell. Then he comes to the Indian hell and finds that there is a long line of people waiting to get in. Amazed, he asks, "What do they do here?" He told, "First they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then the Indian devil comes in and beats you for the rest of the day." "But that is exactly the same as all the other hells; so why are so many people waiting to get in here?" wonders the man. He is told, "Because the maintenance here is so bad that the electric chair does not work. Someone has stolen all the nails from the bed and the Indian devil is a former government servant, So he just comes, signs the attendance register and then goes to the canteen." |
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| Blackjack | April 7, 2017, 8:49 am Post #1372 |
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What did Assad and Custer say? "Where did all these Tomahawks come from"? |
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| Blackjack | April 8, 2017, 11:33 am Post #1373 |
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A woman is slightly drunk, watching a video, when she yells at the screen, "Don't go into that church you stupid idiot!" Her husband asks, "What are you watching?" "Our wedding video" |
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| Blackjack | April 10, 2017, 6:00 pm Post #1374 |
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Burkas are great. If you change wives, you can still keep the same photo on your desk. |
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| Blackjack | April 11, 2017, 2:49 pm Post #1375 |
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Four out of five doctors recommend United Airlines. You can't beat that! Comment: In all seriousness could United have created a worse public relations nightmare? |
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| Blackjack | April 12, 2017, 9:36 am Post #1376 |
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I came here to make a United joke but it looks like I got beat. |
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| M. Hawbaker | April 12, 2017, 9:38 am Post #1377 |
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:groan |
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| Blackjack | April 13, 2017, 6:35 am Post #1378 |
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If H20 is on the inside of a fire hydrant, what's on the outside? K9P |
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| M. Hawbaker | April 13, 2017, 7:12 am Post #1379 |
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:heh |
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| cricket55 | April 15, 2017, 5:16 pm Post #1380 |
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How can a nail head in two directions??? It points in one direction and heads the other. |
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6:36 PM Jul 10