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Super-duper Joke Thread
Topic Started: February 21, 2014, 10:11 am (62,900 Views)
Blackjack

After giving it some thought I have decided to create the Super-duper Joke Thread where all of the jokes can be posted rather than opening a new thread every day. This way you all can add jokes of your own too. Let's go!

Emergency call.

There was a hysterical call at the fire department, and it went like this:
Caller: Help me, please help me; there is a cat meowing and yowling with frequency and urgency. It is going to hurt me, it's going to kill me; can you please help me, and send the fire squad right away?
Fire Department:Take it easy, cats don’t hurt us, just relax wait until he leaves.
Caller:You don’t understand it is going to bite me, it is going to kill me; it is going to be fatal!
Fire Department: Cats aren’t like snakes or spiders that are poisonous, by the way who is calling?
Caller: I’m Josephine’s parrot you jerk! Help me please, please help!


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Replies:
Blackjack

Sadly, true.

What's the difference between USA and USB?

One connects to all your devices and accesses your data, and the other is a hardware standard.
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Blackjack

One for the kids.


What happens if you mix Sesame Street and Star Wars?

Cookie Wookies.
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Blackjack

My girlfriends dad told me that he'll do to me whatever I do to her.

So I said "I paid for dinner and drove her home".
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Blackjack

Old joke from the Soviet Union.

Three guys travel in the same room in a long distance sleeper train. One guy is reading a newspaper, while the other two tell political anecdotes. The first guy decides to prank them. He steps out, and orders three cups of tea to be brought in their room in exactly 10 minutes. Then he comes back into the room, sits down and says after 9 minutes:

You know, you should not really be telling political anecdotes just like that. KGB has every room wiretapped here.

Come on, it's bull****. Nothing to worry about - answer the guys.

No no, KGB really hears everything you are saying. Here, let me show you.

The guys snaps his fingers and says: Comrade Major, three cups of tea, please!

In a few seconds, train staff bring the tea in.

The two guys are totally shocked. They shut up quickly. Soon, all three go to bed.

Next morning the pranker guy wakes up alone in the room. He goes out and asks the train staff, where those two guys went.

Oh, KGB took them last night.

The guy asks, totally terrified: How come, they let me off?!

The train staff answer: Well, Comrade Major really like your tea prank!
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Blackjack

A store manager heard his clerk tell a customer, “No, ma’am, we haven’t had any for a while, and it doesn’t look as if we’ll be getting any soon.”

Horrified, the manager came running over to the customer and said, “Of course we’ll have some soon. We placed an order last week.” Then the manager drew the clerk aside. “Never,” he snarled, “Never, never, never say we’re out of anything- say we’ve got it on order and it’s coming. Now, what was it she wanted anyway?”

The clerk said, “Rain!”
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Blackjack

How many Republicans does it take to change a light bulb?

Just one. Changing a light bulb is not that hard.
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Blackjack

Bonus joke today.


A Calvinist arrived at the Gates of Heaven.

He sees that there are two lines going in. One has a sign that reads "predestined," and the other, "free will". He naturally heads to the predestined line.

While waiting, an angel comes and asks him "Why are you in this line?"

He replies, "Because I chose it."

The angel looks surprised, "Well, if you 'chose' it, then you should be in the free will line."

So our Calvinist, now slightly miffed, obediently wanders over to the free will line.

Again, after a few minutes, another angel asks him, "Why are you in this line?"

He sullenly replies, "Someone made me come here."
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Blackjack

I was in The Western Bar and Grill last night sitting at the bar waiting for a beer when a big, old, butt-ugly, heifer came up behind me and slapped me on the butt. she said "Hey sexy, how about giving me your number."

I looked at her and said, "Have you got a pen?"

She said "I sure do."

I said, "Well, you better get back in it before the farmer notices you're missing".

My dental surgery is this Friday.
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Blackjack

When do S and C sound the same?

When it's necessary.
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Blackjack

When I'm at a bar I always look for a girl who has a tattoo. I see a tattoo and I think, here’s a girl who’s capable of making a decision she’ll regret in the future.
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Blackjack

In honor of St. Patrick's Day.


So there God was creating the earth. Along comes the archangel Michael who starts to get curious. "What are you makin', there?"

"I'm designing the earth. A wonderful planet of perfect balance." God smiles.

"Balance?" Michael asked confused.... "How so?"

"Well, have a look. You see the two ends? They're cold, but the middle is very warm. So it balances out." God could see that Michael almost got it. "See how she spins. That gives half of it light and the other half dark. Always changing, but always balanced."

Michael smiled finally getting it. That's when a little green island caught his eye. "What's that island?"

With this, God put on an even bigger smile. "She's a beauty, isn't see? That's Ireland. Perfect weather, perfect hunting and fishing, the best beer and the most beautiful girls in the world."

Michael was impressed but said. "Its amazing, but how do you balance out something so wonderful?

God shrugged. "I put it next to England."
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M. Hawbaker
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Two blondes are on opposite sides of a lake.
One blonde yells to the other, "How can I get to the other side?"
"You are on the other side," yells the other blonde.

:heh
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Blackjack

A lawyer gets pulled over by a police officer.

The officer asks the lawyer "Do you know why I pulled you over?"

"I haven't the foggiest idea," said the lawyer.

The officer replied, "You didn't make a full stop at the stop sign back there. You only slowed down."

The lawyer thinks for a few seconds then says, "If you can prove to me the difference between stopping and slowing down, I'll take full responsibility. Otherwise, you let me off with a warning. Sound fair?"

The officer ponders it shortly before nodding his head. "Sounds fair. Can you step out of the car please?"

Just as the lawyer steps out and shuts the car door, the officer pulls out his baton and starts beating the lawyer. After a few swings, the officer says, "Now, would you like me to stop or slow down?"
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Blackjack

A propeller is actually just a big fan to keep the pilot cool.

When it stops you can watch the pilot start sweating.
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Blackjack

I would like to thank my arms for always being by my side.

I would like to thank my legs for always supporting me.

And I would like to thank my fingers because I can always count on them.
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