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Super-duper Joke Thread
Topic Started: February 21, 2014, 10:11 am (62,901 Views)
Blackjack

After giving it some thought I have decided to create the Super-duper Joke Thread where all of the jokes can be posted rather than opening a new thread every day. This way you all can add jokes of your own too. Let's go!

Emergency call.

There was a hysterical call at the fire department, and it went like this:
Caller: Help me, please help me; there is a cat meowing and yowling with frequency and urgency. It is going to hurt me, it's going to kill me; can you please help me, and send the fire squad right away?
Fire Department:Take it easy, cats don’t hurt us, just relax wait until he leaves.
Caller:You don’t understand it is going to bite me, it is going to kill me; it is going to be fatal!
Fire Department: Cats aren’t like snakes or spiders that are poisonous, by the way who is calling?
Caller: I’m Josephine’s parrot you jerk! Help me please, please help!


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cricket55
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Blackjack
February 16, 2017, 7:53 am
How do you cut the Roman Empire in half?

With a pair of Caesars!
:spit
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Blackjack

How do you keep a Baptist from drinking at your party?

Invite two of them.
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Blackjack

I keep falling off my bike.

It's a vicious cycle.
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Blackjack

How can you tell if someone was in the military?

Give them 5 minutes and they'll tell you themselves.
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Blackjack

Love may be blind but marriage is a real eye-opener.
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Blackjack

If light travels faster than the speed of sound how come I can hear the guy in the BMW behind me honk before the light turns green?
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cricket55
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What do you call a cow that twitches???

Beef Jerky
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Blackjack

A kung fu student asks the teacher,
"Master, why does not my ability evolve and I'm always defeated?"

And the master, pensive, with all his patience answers, "My dear pupil, have you seen the gulls flying by the setting sun, and their wings seem like flames?"

"Yes, my master, I have."

"And a waterfall, spilling mightily over the stones but without taking anything out of its proper place?"

"Yes, my master, I have already witnessed it."

"Then the moon .. when it touches the calm water reflecting all its enormous beauty?"

"Yes, my master, I have also observed this marvelous phenomenon."

"That is the problem. You keep watching all this stuff instead of training."
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Blackjack

An old man and his wife had been married for many years. In their later years, they were tired of each other and were always grouchy. For all the years they've been married, the wife would always make the man eggs for breakfast. One day she set the plate in front of him and they were over easy. The man looks at the plate and gets angry and says "I didn't want over easy I wanted scrambled!" But ate them anyways. So the next morning the wife made scrambled eggs and set the plate in front of him. The man looks down and says "I didn't want scrambled, I wanted over easy!" And angrily ate them. So the next day, the wife decided to make one egg scrambled and one over easy. She sets the plate in front of him, and he looks down at the plate and after a few seconds says "you scrambled the wrong one!"
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Blackjack

An alien mothership is scouting planet Earth.

Alien Scout: “Sir, the Humans appear to possess massive military capabilities, nuclear weapons included.”

Alien Commander: “This is problematic, are they really such an intelligent species?”

Alien Scout: “Apparently not Sir, they appear to have them pointed at themselves.”
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Blackjack

Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job?
She couldn't control her pupils.
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Blackjack

Why is it called "the mall"?

Because instead of going to one store, you're going to them all.
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Blackjack

What's the difference between an art student and a philosophy student?

A philosophy student asks you why you want fries with that.
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Blackjack

Why is it that the room filled with married people seemed empty?

There wasn't a single person there!
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Blackjack

Two friends are visiting Wales when they come to the town of Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch. They are arguing about how to pronounce it, so they decide to go to the fast food restaurant that they are near, and ask the cashier to pronounce the town name.

They ask the cashier "Where am I? Pronounce it slowly for us please."

The cashier replies, "Buurrrrr-guuuurrrrr kiiiiing"
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