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Super-duper Joke Thread
Topic Started: February 21, 2014, 10:11 am (62,982 Views)
Blackjack

After giving it some thought I have decided to create the Super-duper Joke Thread where all of the jokes can be posted rather than opening a new thread every day. This way you all can add jokes of your own too. Let's go!

Emergency call.

There was a hysterical call at the fire department, and it went like this:
Caller: Help me, please help me; there is a cat meowing and yowling with frequency and urgency. It is going to hurt me, it's going to kill me; can you please help me, and send the fire squad right away?
Fire Department:Take it easy, cats don’t hurt us, just relax wait until he leaves.
Caller:You don’t understand it is going to bite me, it is going to kill me; it is going to be fatal!
Fire Department: Cats aren’t like snakes or spiders that are poisonous, by the way who is calling?
Caller: I’m Josephine’s parrot you jerk! Help me please, please help!


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M. Hawbaker
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A young woman went to her doctor complaining of pain.
"Where are you hurting?" asked the doctor.
"You have to help me, I hurt all over", said the woman.
"What do you mean, all over?" asked the doctor, "be a little more specific."

The woman touched her right knee with her index finger and yelled, "Ow, that hurts." Then she touched her left cheek and again yelled, "Ouch! That hurts, too." Then she touched her right earlobe, "Ow, even THAT hurts", she cried.

The doctor checked her thoughtfully for a moment and told her his diagnosis, "You have a broken finger."
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M. Hawbaker
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A SHORT HISTORY OF MEDICINE: "Doctor, I have an ear ache."
2000 B.C. - "Here, eat this root."
1000 B.C. - "That root is heathen, say this prayer."
1850 A.D. - "That prayer is superstition, drink this potion."
1940 A.D. - "That potion is snake oil, swallow this pill."
1985 A.D. - "That pill is ineffective, take this antibiotic."
2014 A.D. - "That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat this root!"
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cricket55
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:heh
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Blackjack

A minister told his congregation, "Next week I plan to preach about the sin of lying. To help you understand my sermon, I want you all to read Mark 17."

The following Sunday, as he prepared to deliver his sermon, the minister asked for a show of hands. He wanted to know how many had read Mark 17. Every hand went up.

The minister smiled and said, "Mark has only sixteen chapters. I will now proceed with my sermon on the sin of lying."
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Blackjack

A man walked into work on Monday with two black eyes. His boss asked what happened.

The man said, "I was sitting behind a big woman at church. When we stood up to sing hymns, I noticed that her dress was caught in her crack, so I pulled it out. She turned around and punched me square in the eye."

"Where did you get the other shiner?" the boss asked.

"Well," the man said, "I figured she didn't want it out, so I pushed it back in."
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M. Hawbaker
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:rofl
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M. Hawbaker
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On a road through a desert in Arizona, a preacher named Nate Evans walked every day, preaching to the many people who roared past in their cars.

"Repent, the End of the World is Nigh!" was his constant theme.

One day, as he was walking, he came to a big lever in the middle of nowhere, just by the side of the road. 'Pull this to end the world' said the sign on it.

Now Nate saw this as the perfect spot for him to preach, and soon many automobiles were parked nearby, the people all swayed by his powerful elocution.

All was well, until there were so many people, and so many cars, that the road was nearly blocked.

Then a big 18-wheel rig came down the highway, and couldn't stop in time. The driver had a choice: run over Nate, or run over the Lever.

As the driver explained to the Highway Patrol later, he actually had no choice. Pointing to the red smear on the road that used to be Nate Evans, he said "Better Nate than Lever."
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barb43
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Wish Martha Stewart was My Sister!
M. Hawbaker
March 26, 2014, 11:41 am
"Better Nate than Lever."
:floor Sure didn't see that one coming!
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barb43
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Wish Martha Stewart was My Sister!
Do you know why there are no knock-knock jokes about freedom?



Because freedom rings.
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cricket55
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:hysterical

Great jokes guys.
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cricket55
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A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, makes his way to a confessional and sits aand says nothing. The priests coughs a few times to get his attention. Still nothing said by the drunk. The priests pounds on the wall three times. The drunk responds with "Aint no use knockin there is no paper on this side either. :lol
Edited by cricket55, March 26, 2014, 7:52 pm.
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cricket55
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A boy is wanting a bike really bad for Christmas really bad but knows he will not get one because he has been bad. The boy decides to write a letter to Jesus: Dear Jesus, give me a bike for Christmas and I will behave for a week. The boy thinks I can't do that, he crosses out the week and puts five days, then crosses that out and puts four days and keeps repeating this until there are no days left to behave. The boy does not know what to do and then runs into his mother's bedroom, takes the statue of The Virgin Mary and wraps it up in a blanket and puts it behind the clothes in the closet.
He comes back to the paper and writes, "Jesus if you do not give me a bike for Chirstmas you will never see your Mother again."


:pound
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cricket55
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What did the fisherman say to the card magician??

Pick any Cod, any cod.
Edited by cricket55, March 26, 2014, 7:51 pm.
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M. Hawbaker
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:groan

:lol
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M. Hawbaker
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Posted Image
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