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Super-duper Joke Thread
Topic Started: February 21, 2014, 10:11 am (62,902 Views)
Blackjack

After giving it some thought I have decided to create the Super-duper Joke Thread where all of the jokes can be posted rather than opening a new thread every day. This way you all can add jokes of your own too. Let's go!

Emergency call.

There was a hysterical call at the fire department, and it went like this:
Caller: Help me, please help me; there is a cat meowing and yowling with frequency and urgency. It is going to hurt me, it's going to kill me; can you please help me, and send the fire squad right away?
Fire Department:Take it easy, cats don’t hurt us, just relax wait until he leaves.
Caller:You don’t understand it is going to bite me, it is going to kill me; it is going to be fatal!
Fire Department: Cats aren’t like snakes or spiders that are poisonous, by the way who is calling?
Caller: I’m Josephine’s parrot you jerk! Help me please, please help!


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Blackjack

My pet snake just lays around and won't move. I think he's suffering from a reptile dysfunction
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cricket55
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Blackjack
February 2, 2017, 1:28 pm
My pet snake just lays around and won't move. I think he's suffering from a reptile dysfunction
:groan
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M. Hawbaker
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:heh
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Blackjack

Switzerland is a great country, with amazing views and nice people and their flag is also great, which is a huge plus.
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Blackjack

I went to the Atlanta Falcons locker room to get some change for a dollar but they only gave me 3 quarters.
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Blackjack

Courtesy of AMAZINGJOKES.com

Posted Image
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Blackjack

According to a recent study, men on dating sites are more popular if they mention dancing or cooking.

Because if there’s one thing women love, it’s a man who can lie.
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Blackjack

How did the hipster burn his tongue?

He drank his coffee before it was cool.
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cricket55
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:faint :faint
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Blackjack

If Bruno Mars married Venus Williams on Earth, do you think they'd have a Sun?

Only if they planet.
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Blackjack

A defendant was on trial for murder. There was strong evidence indicating guilt, but there was no corpse.

In the defense’s closing statement the lawyer, knowing that his client would probably be convicted, resorted to a trick.

"Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all," the lawyer said as he looked at his watch. "Within one minute, the person presumed dead in this case will walk into this courtroom."

He looked toward the courtroom door. The jurors, somewhat stunned, all looked on eagerly. A minute passed. Nothing happened.

Finally the lawyer said, "Actually, I made up the previous statement. But you all looked on with anticipation. I, therefore, put it to you that there is reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed and insist that you return a verdict of not guilty."

The jury, clearly confused, retired to deliberate. A few minutes later, the jury returned and pronounced a verdict of guilty.

"But how?" inquired the lawyer. "You must have had some doubt; I saw all of you stare at the door.

The jury foreman answered: "Oh, we looked. But your client didn’t."
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Blackjack

A Lady visited a bar for the first time. She was nervous but sat on one tall stool in front of the bartender.

The guy sitting on her left said: "Jack Daniels, Single"

The Guy on her right side ordered: "Johnny Walker, Single"

The bartender looked at the lady & said, "And You?"

Lady replied: "Yolanda, Married"
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Blackjack

A mathematician, engineer, and physicist are each given a red rubber ball and are asked to find its volume. The physicist drops it into water and measures the displacement. The mathematician sets up a triple integral, and then solves it. The engineer says "Damn, has anyone got a red rubber ball look up table? I only have the ones for blue and purple."
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Blackjack

How do you cut the Roman Empire in half?

With a pair of Caesars!
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Blackjack

I think I've been hacked by Russia...

Edit: I not hacked by Russia. The motherland do no such thing. Have good day.
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