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Super-duper Joke Thread
Topic Started: February 21, 2014, 10:11 am (62,904 Views)
Blackjack

After giving it some thought I have decided to create the Super-duper Joke Thread where all of the jokes can be posted rather than opening a new thread every day. This way you all can add jokes of your own too. Let's go!

Emergency call.

There was a hysterical call at the fire department, and it went like this:
Caller: Help me, please help me; there is a cat meowing and yowling with frequency and urgency. It is going to hurt me, it's going to kill me; can you please help me, and send the fire squad right away?
Fire Department:Take it easy, cats don’t hurt us, just relax wait until he leaves.
Caller:You don’t understand it is going to bite me, it is going to kill me; it is going to be fatal!
Fire Department: Cats aren’t like snakes or spiders that are poisonous, by the way who is calling?
Caller: I’m Josephine’s parrot you jerk! Help me please, please help!


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Blackjack

All these people getting emails from the Prince of Nigeria, I got one from an Egyptian Pharaoh. It turned out to just be a pyramid scheme.
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Blackjack

A young artist exhibits his work for the first time and a well known art critic is in attendance.

The critic says to the young artist, "Would you like my opinion on your work?"

"Yes, " says the artist.

"It's worthless," says the critic

The artist replies, "I know, but tell me anyway."
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Blackjack

What do Mariah Carey and I have in common?

I don't know the words to any of her songs either.
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Blackjack

Winter vacation is over and returning to school is tough for my girl...

...the crying, the kicking, the screaming...but it has to be done, after all, she's the teacher.
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Blackjack

A guy makes a rolling stop at a stop sign, and gets pulled over by a local policeman. The guy hands the cop his driver's license, insurance verification, plus his concealed carry permit. "Okay, Mr. Smith," the cop says, "I see your CCW permit. Are you carrying today?"

"Yes, I am."

"Well then, better tell me what you got."

Smith says, "Well, I got a .357 revolver in my inside coat pocket. There's a 9mm semi-auto in the glove box. And, I've got a .22 magnum derringer in my right boot."

"Okay," the cop says. "Anything else?"

"Yeah, back in the trunk, there's an AR15 and a shotgun. That's about it."

"Mr. Smith, are you on your way to or from a gun range...?"

"Nope."

"Well then, what are you afraid of....?"

"Not a darned thing."
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Blackjack

If you run in front of a car, you get tired. If you run behind a car, you get exhausted.
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Blackjack

I farted on the bus today and four people turned around. I felt like I was on "The Voice."
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Blackjack

"Honey," said a husband, "I Invited a friend home for dinner."

"What? Are you crazy?" The wife replied. "The house is a mess, I haven't been shopping, and I don't feel like cooking a fancy meal."

" I know all that," he said.

"Then why did you invite a friend for dinner?" she asked.

He replied, "Because the poor fool is thinking about getting married."
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Blackjack

I didn't realize how cold it was outside today until I saw socialists with their hands in their own pockets.
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Blackjack

Dad on the last day of school: So, where’s your report card, my boy?
Tom: Sorry, I’ll bring it tomorrow.
Dad: Why?
Tom: I loaned it to Kevin because he wanted to scare his parents.
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cricket55
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Why was the sink not interested in doing anything??

It was drained.
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Blackjack

If you owe the bank $100, that's your problem.

If you owe the bank $100 million, that's the bank's problem.
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Blackjack

What's the fastest liquid on earth?

Milk. It's pasteurized before you see it.
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Blackjack

What a stupid world we live in. Sad but true.


Well, you won't get called a racist for criticizing the President anymore you'll get called a racist for supporting him.
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Blackjack

Genie: What is your first wish?

Joe: I want to be rich.

Genie: Granted. What is your second wish?

Rich: I want lots of money.
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