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| Super-duper Joke Thread | |
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| Tweet Topic Started: February 21, 2014, 10:11 am (62,905 Views) | |
| Blackjack | February 21, 2014, 10:11 am Post #1 |
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After giving it some thought I have decided to create the Super-duper Joke Thread where all of the jokes can be posted rather than opening a new thread every day. This way you all can add jokes of your own too. Let's go! Emergency call. There was a hysterical call at the fire department, and it went like this: Caller: Help me, please help me; there is a cat meowing and yowling with frequency and urgency. It is going to hurt me, it's going to kill me; can you please help me, and send the fire squad right away? Fire Department:Take it easy, cats don’t hurt us, just relax wait until he leaves. Caller:You don’t understand it is going to bite me, it is going to kill me; it is going to be fatal! Fire Department: Cats aren’t like snakes or spiders that are poisonous, by the way who is calling? Caller: I’m Josephine’s parrot you jerk! Help me please, please help! |
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| Blackjack | December 24, 2016, 4:25 pm Post #1276 |
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What kind of fruit isn't allowed to get married? A cantaloupe. Edited by Blackjack, December 25, 2016, 6:58 am.
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| Blackjack | December 25, 2016, 3:49 pm Post #1277 |
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Never in the history of calming down has anyone ever calmed down by being told to calm down. |
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| Blackjack | December 26, 2016, 10:07 am Post #1278 |
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A day late. Sorry. Why is christmas just like a day at the office? You do all the work, and the fat guy in the suit gets all the credit. |
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| Blackjack | December 27, 2016, 6:33 am Post #1279 |
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I crossed the road, walked into the bar and changed a light bulb. It was at that moment I realized my life was a joke. |
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| Blackjack | December 28, 2016, 6:15 pm Post #1280 |
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A newly assigned DEA officer is out to make a good impression. He pulls up to a ranch in Oklahoma, and gets out to find the rancher. He says to the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs." The rancher said, "Okay , but don't go in that field over there...", as he pointed out the location. The officer calmly replied, "Sir, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me. I'll inspect anywhere I please!" The rancher says, "Last feller to come through here looking for drugs said the same thing. He didn't go out into that field though." The officer snapped. He reached into his rear pants pocket, removed his badge and proudly displayed it to the rancher. "See this badge?! This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish...on any land! No questions asked or answers given! Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?!" The rancher nodded politely, apologized, and went about his chores. A short time later, the old rancher heard loud screams, looked up, and saw the officer running for his life, being chased by the rancher's largest bull. With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it seemed likely that he'd get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified. The rancher threw down his tools, ran to the fence and yelled at the top of his lungs... "Your badge, show him your badge!!" |
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| cricket55 | December 28, 2016, 8:44 pm Post #1281 |
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:lol |
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| cricket55 | December 28, 2016, 8:45 pm Post #1282 |
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Why are rabbits so good at math??? They enjoy multiplying. |
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| Blackjack | December 29, 2016, 11:12 am Post #1283 |
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Your groaner of the week. A nun decided that it was much cheaper to just dye the color back into her worn out clothes instead of buying new clothes. Every year, the nun would go to a nearby dye shop to dye her clothes and hang them to dry. When she returned to the store for the 10th time, she dyed and hung her clothes. When she came back to get her clothes, they were stiff and uncomfortable. She complained to the store manager and asked why that happened to her clothes. The store manager replied: "Well madam, old habits dye hard" |
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| cricket55 | December 29, 2016, 12:38 pm Post #1284 |
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:groan |
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| Blackjack | December 30, 2016, 5:32 pm Post #1285 |
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My brother has two tickets for the 2017 Super Bowl (LI), both box seats. He paid $3,700 each. He didn't realize when he bought the tickets, that the game would be on the same day as his wedding, so now he can't go. If you are interested and would like to go in his place, it's at First Community Church in Atlanta, GA at 4pm. Her name is Kimberly, she's 5'3", about 110 lbs, great cook, good looking, and makes $120,000 a year. She'll be wearing a white dress. |
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| Blackjack | December 31, 2016, 11:02 am Post #1286 |
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Vegetarian is an ancient Comanche word meaning "bad hunter." |
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| Blackjack | January 1, 2017, 8:15 am Post #1287 |
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Did you hear that NYC paid Hillary Clinton $2,000,000 as a consultant for New Years Eve? They wanted an expert on dropping the ball at the last second. |
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| Blackjack | January 2, 2017, 7:47 am Post #1288 |
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When NASA was preparing for the Apollo project, some of the training of the astronauts took place on a Navajo reservation. One day, a Navajo elder and his son were herding sheep and came across the space crew. The old man, who spoke only Navajo, asked a question that his son translated. "What are these guys in the big suits doing?" A member of the crew said they were practicing for their trip to the moon. The old man got all excited and asked if he could send a message to the moon with the astronauts. Recognizing a promotional opportunity, the NASA folks found a tape recorder. After the old man recorded his message, they asked his son to translate it. He refused. The NASA PR people brought the tape to the reservation, where the rest of the tribe listened and laughed, but refused to translate the elder's message. Finally, the NASA crew called in an official government translator. His translation of the old man's message was: "Watch out for these guys; they have come to steal your land." |
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| M. Hawbaker | January 4, 2017, 6:11 am Post #1289 |
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Q: What do you call a snowman in the desert? A: A puddle! |
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| Blackjack | January 4, 2017, 7:53 am Post #1290 |
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I used to be in a band called ‘Missing Cat’ You've probably seen our posters. |
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6:36 PM Jul 10