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| Super-duper Joke Thread | |
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| Tweet Topic Started: February 21, 2014, 10:11 am (62,906 Views) | |
| Blackjack | February 21, 2014, 10:11 am Post #1 |
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After giving it some thought I have decided to create the Super-duper Joke Thread where all of the jokes can be posted rather than opening a new thread every day. This way you all can add jokes of your own too. Let's go! Emergency call. There was a hysterical call at the fire department, and it went like this: Caller: Help me, please help me; there is a cat meowing and yowling with frequency and urgency. It is going to hurt me, it's going to kill me; can you please help me, and send the fire squad right away? Fire Department:Take it easy, cats don’t hurt us, just relax wait until he leaves. Caller:You don’t understand it is going to bite me, it is going to kill me; it is going to be fatal! Fire Department: Cats aren’t like snakes or spiders that are poisonous, by the way who is calling? Caller: I’m Josephine’s parrot you jerk! Help me please, please help! |
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| Blackjack | December 16, 2016, 10:00 am Post #1261 |
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A CNN reporter, a BBC reporter, and an Israeli commando are captured by ISIS in Iraq and brought to the terrorists' camp. The leader of the terrorists told them that he would grant them each one last request before they were beheaded. The CNN Reporter said, "Well, I’m an American, so I’d like one last hamburger with French fries.” The leader nodded to an underling who left and returned with the burger & fries. The reporter ate it and said “Now, I can die.” The BBC Reporter said, "I’m a reporter to the end. I want to take out my tape recorder and describe the scene here and what’s about to happen. Maybe someday someone will hear it and know that I was on the job till the end.” The ISIS leader directed an aide to hand over the tape recorder and dictated some comments. The reporter then said, "Now I can die knowing I stayed true until the end.” The ISIS leader turned to the Israeli commando and said, “And now, Mr. Israeli tough guy, what is your final wish?” “Kick me in the butt ,” said the soldier. “What?" asked the leader, “Will you mock us in your last hour?” “No, I’m not kidding. I want you to kick me in the butt ,” insisted the Israeli. So the terrorist leader shoved him into the open and kicked him in the behind. The soldier went sprawling, but rolled to his knees, pulled a 9 mm pistol from under his flak jacket, and shot the leader dead. In the resulting confusion, he jumped to his knapsack, pulled out his carbine and sprayed the terrorists with gunfire. In a flash, all terrorists were either dead or fleeing for their lives. As the soldier was untying the reporters, they asked him, “Why didn’t you just shoot them in the beginning? Why did you ask them to kick you in the butt first?” “What?” replied the Israeli, “and have you report that I was the aggressor?” |
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| Blackjack | December 17, 2016, 5:07 pm Post #1262 |
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How do you find Will Smith in the snow? You look for the fresh prints. |
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| Blackjack | December 18, 2016, 10:48 am Post #1263 |
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Because I want to wish you all a happy and most importantly safe Holiday season, I would like to share a personal experience with my closest friends about drinking and driving. As you well know, some of us have been known to have had brushes with the authorities on our way home from the occasional social session - especially during the Holidays. A couple of nights ago I was out for an evening with friends, and had a couple of ****tails and some rather ice cold adult beverages. Knowing full well I may have been slightly over the limit, I did something I've never done before. I took a cab home. And wouldn't you just know it - on the way home I passed a police road block but, since it was a cab, they waved it past. I arrived home safely and without incident - which was a real surprise because I have never driven a cab before and am not sure where I got it or what to do with it now that it's in my garage. Be careful out there. |
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| cricket55 | December 18, 2016, 2:19 pm Post #1264 |
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:lol |
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| Blackjack | December 19, 2016, 9:40 am Post #1265 |
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A guy in a van pulls up next to a Rolls-Royce at a red light and asks, "Hey, is your car Bluetooth enabled?" The Rolls owner nods. "So is mine. Got Wi-Fi?" The Rolls owner nods again. "Me too. What about a double bed?" "No. Do you?" asks the Rolls guy. "Yep." The light changes and the van takes off. Envious, the Rolls guy heads to a Pimp My Rolls customizing shop and gets a double bed installed, then drives around until he finds the van parked on the side of the road. He raps on the window. "Guess what? I got a double bed put in my car, too." The van owner peers out. "You got me out of the shower to tell me that?" |
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| M. Hawbaker | December 19, 2016, 11:26 am Post #1266 |
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PRESS RELEASE: Amazon.com to acquire rights to Christmas NORTH POLE (API) - Amazon announced an agreement with Santa Claus Industries to acquire Christmas at a press conference held via satellite from Santa's summer estate somewhere in the southern hemisphere. In the deal, Amazon would gain exclusive rights to Christmas, Reindeer, and other unspecified inventions. In addition, Amazon will gain access to millions of households through the Santa Sleigh. The announcement also included a notice that beginning Dec 24, 2016, Christmas and the Reindeer names would be copyrighted by Amazon. This unprecedented move was facilitated by the recently acquired North Pole Court. Amazon stated its commitment to "all who have made Christmas great," and vowed to "make licensing of the Christmas and Reindeer names available to all." It is believed that the guidelines for licensing these names, due before Halloween, will be very strict. When asked "Why buy Christmas?" Jeff Bezos replied "Amazon has been working on a more efficient delivery mechanism for all of our products for some time, but recognized that the Santa Sleigh has some immediate benefits. We'll use it first for the next release of the Kindle Fire." In a multimedia extravaganza, the attendees were shown a seemingly endless video stream of products that make up the deal. It ended with a green and red version of the Amazon logo, and a new Christmas 2016 trademark, leading into the announcement of the first product from the deal. Vixen, the new Director of Holidays and Celebrations said, "The first step is to assimilate Christmas within the Amazon Organization. This will take some time, so don't expect any changes this year." He continued, "our big plans are for next year, when we release Christmas 2017. It will be bigger and better than last year." He further elaborated that "Amazon users who sign up with Amazon Prime will get sneak previews of Christmas 2017 as early as November first." Christmas 2016 is scheduled for release in December of 2016, though one unnamed source said that it is dangerously close to the end of the year and may slip into the first half of 2017. An economist at Goldman Sachs explained that a slip would be catastrophic to next year's economy and the nation's tax revenue, possibly requiring the IRS to move the deadline for filing income tax returns to three months after Christmas, whenever that was. "But it could be good in the long term," he explained. "With Amazon controlling Christmas, we may see it move to May or June, which are much slower months for retailers. This may serve to even out the economy over the year." When asked if other holidays are being considered, Mr. Bezos explained that "Christmas is the flagship of holidays, so we wanted to start there. Not all holidays are available for sale, and the remaining will have to show a good long-term business," suggesting that holidays with a short history may not be in the plans. Though specific terms of the agreement were withheld, a Santa official confirmed that the deal was "sizeable, even for a man of Santa's stature." Some analysts think that Santa has saturated the Holiday market, and is looking for a means to expand his business to year 'round products and services. Others contend that the Jolly Red Man is looking to retire in Seattle. A spokesperson for the most famous Reindeer could not be reached for comment. source: http://www.jokes4us.com/holidayjokes/christmasjokes/amazonjoke.html |
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| Blackjack | December 20, 2016, 8:30 am Post #1267 |
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A thief broke into my house last night. He started searching for money so I woke up and searched with him. |
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| cricket55 | December 20, 2016, 7:54 pm Post #1268 |
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:spit |
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| Blackjack | December 21, 2016, 5:28 pm Post #1269 |
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A woman stands before a judge accused of murdering her husband with his guitar collection. Judge, "First offender?" Woman, "No sir. First a Gibson then a Fender." Edited by Blackjack, December 21, 2016, 5:28 pm.
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| M. Hawbaker | December 21, 2016, 8:25 pm Post #1270 |
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:rofl |
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| Blackjack | December 22, 2016, 11:34 am Post #1271 |
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Yesterday I was at Wal-Mart buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for the puppies, Dallas and Smokey. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog. On impulse, I told her no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again although I probably shouldn't because I had ended up in the hospital last time. I lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms. I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet. How it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story.) Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no; I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter's butt and a car hit us both. I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack, he was laughing so hard! WAL-MART won't let me shop there anymore!!! |
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| cricket55 | December 22, 2016, 7:09 pm Post #1272 |
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:rofl |
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| Blackjack | December 23, 2016, 11:46 am Post #1273 |
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From the "you can't make this stuff up" department. A true story from England. Around a week ago I was waiting in queue behind an old lady at KFC. She placed her order, paid in cash, and all was well until she received one of those new plastic £5 notes as change from the cashier. She vocally expressed her dislike about the presence of animal products in the new £5 bills, saying that it was unethical and disgusting. She politely requested the cashier to swap it for an old one, but without a new purchase, the cashier couldn't open the till. As I just so happened to have an old £5 bill on hand, I stepped in to offer the old lady an exchange, and she seemed suitably content afterwards. I thought to myself, "Ah, that resolved itself rather nicely. I managed to make a person's life a bit brighter, and in turn I feel happier myself too." ...Then it hit me. What was she doing at KFC?!?! |
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| M. Hawbaker | December 24, 2016, 5:45 am Post #1274 |
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Seen on Facebook: Posted Image |
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| Blackjack | December 24, 2016, 10:20 am Post #1275 |
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I changed my password to "incorrect". So whenever I forget what it is the computer will say "Your password is incorrect". |
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