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Super-duper Joke Thread
Topic Started: February 21, 2014, 10:11 am (62,907 Views)
Blackjack

After giving it some thought I have decided to create the Super-duper Joke Thread where all of the jokes can be posted rather than opening a new thread every day. This way you all can add jokes of your own too. Let's go!

Emergency call.

There was a hysterical call at the fire department, and it went like this:
Caller: Help me, please help me; there is a cat meowing and yowling with frequency and urgency. It is going to hurt me, it's going to kill me; can you please help me, and send the fire squad right away?
Fire Department:Take it easy, cats don’t hurt us, just relax wait until he leaves.
Caller:You don’t understand it is going to bite me, it is going to kill me; it is going to be fatal!
Fire Department: Cats aren’t like snakes or spiders that are poisonous, by the way who is calling?
Caller: I’m Josephine’s parrot you jerk! Help me please, please help!


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Blackjack

A father tucks his 3 year old daughter to bed...

He tells her a story and listened to her prayers which ended by saying, "God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma and good-bye Grandpa."

The father asked, 'Why did you say good-bye Grandpa?'

The little girl said, "I don't know daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do."
The next day grandpa died. The father thought it was a strange coincidence.

A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers which went like this, "God bless Mommy, God Bless Daddy and good-bye Grandma."
The next day the grandmother died.

The father exclaims, "This kid is in contact with the other side."

Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say, "God bless Mommy and good-bye Daddy."

He practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch and watched the clock.. He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay. He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound. Finally midnight arrived; he breathed a sigh of relief and went home.

When he got home his wife said, "I've never seen you work so late. What's the matter?"

He said, "I don't want to talk about it, I've just spent the worst day of my life."

She said, "You think you had a bad day, you'll never believe what happened to me. This morning my boss died in the middle of a meeting.


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Blackjack

your groaner of the week.


How much room is needed for fungi to grow?

As mushroom as possible.
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Blackjack

An old man is on his death bed, and his family has come in from all over the country to be with him in his final hours.

He opens his eyes, and says "Is Ruthie here? My beautiful, loyal wife?"

"Oh yes, my handsome prince! I'm right here!" Ruthie replies

He continues, "...and what of my strapping boy, who always made me proud? Is he here, with that lovely wife of his?"

"Yeah pops, we're right here"

"...and what about those two grandkids of mine? The Michael and Sarah? Are my little angels here?"

"Of course grampa!"

The old man continues, "So everyone is here in the room with me right now?"

"Yes yes, of course!"

The old man lets out a sigh, and starts shouting, "THEN WHY ARE ALL THE LIGHTS ON IN THE HOUSE?!"
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Blackjack

One from soviet Russia in the 50s.


Who is your mother?

Our great Soviet country.

Who is your father?

Our dear comrade Stalin.

What's your greatest desire?

Becoming an orphan.
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Blackjack

I told my wife she was applying her eyebrows too high

She looked surprised.
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Blackjack

Three friends married women from different parts of the world.

The first man married a Greek girl. He told her that she was to do the dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple of days, but on the third day, he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away.

The second man married a Thai. He gave his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. The first day he didn't see any results, but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done, and there was a huge dinner on the table.

The third man married a girl from Canada. He ordered her to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, laundry washed, and hot meals on the table for every meal.

He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything either but by the third day, some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye and his arm was healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher.

He still has some difficulty when he pees.
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Blackjack

This one is older than dirt.


Math was easy for Romans X was always equal to 10.
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Blackjack

Trump, Peña Nieto and Putin come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it.


"I will give you each one wish, that's three wishes total," says the Genie.

Peña Nieto, the President of Mexico says, "I was a miner, my dad was a miner, and my son will also mine. I want the land to be forever filled with minerals and oil in Mexico."

With a blink of the Genies eye, "FOOM," the land in Mexico was forever filled to the brink with rare resources.

Trump was amazed, but he already made up his mind, "A rich Mexico? Not good. Not good at all. Give me a wall around the USA. A magnificent wall. A huge wall. Let me tell me how huge: so huge that nobody from out of states can come into our precious land."

Again, with the blink of the Genies eye,"POOF," there was a huge wall around the United States.

Putin thinks for a moment and says, "I'm very curious. Please tell me more about this wall."

The Genie explains, "Well, it is about 150 feet high, 50 feet thick and completely surrounds the States. Nothing can get in or out."

Putin says, "Fill it with water."
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Blackjack

One from Russia.


"Dmytry! I take my hat off to you! You and Svetlana have been married for 50 years. Whenever I see you walking around town you are still holding hands!"

"Well." Dmytry began, "If I let her go she will surely buy something!"
Edited by Blackjack, December 12, 2016, 7:54 am.
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Blackjack

Groaner of the week.


I know a guy who collects candy canes. They are all in mint condition.
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cricket55
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:pound
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M. Hawbaker
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:spit
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warrior-child
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Blackjack
December 13, 2016, 7:01 am
Groaner of the week.


I know a guy who collects candy canes. They are all in mint condition.
:hysterical
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cricket55
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What do you call a snowman with holes in him???

A holy roller.
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Blackjack

A husband had just finished reading a new book entitled, "You Can Be the Man of Your House." He went storming to his wife in the kitchen and announced, "From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is Law. You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm done eating my meal, you will serve me a scrumptious dessert.

"Afterwards, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax. You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe. Then, you will massage my feet and hands. Then tomorrow, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"

The wife replied, "The funeral director would be my first guess."
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