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Super-duper Joke Thread
Topic Started: February 21, 2014, 10:11 am (62,908 Views)
Blackjack

After giving it some thought I have decided to create the Super-duper Joke Thread where all of the jokes can be posted rather than opening a new thread every day. This way you all can add jokes of your own too. Let's go!

Emergency call.

There was a hysterical call at the fire department, and it went like this:
Caller: Help me, please help me; there is a cat meowing and yowling with frequency and urgency. It is going to hurt me, it's going to kill me; can you please help me, and send the fire squad right away?
Fire Department:Take it easy, cats don’t hurt us, just relax wait until he leaves.
Caller:You don’t understand it is going to bite me, it is going to kill me; it is going to be fatal!
Fire Department: Cats aren’t like snakes or spiders that are poisonous, by the way who is calling?
Caller: I’m Josephine’s parrot you jerk! Help me please, please help!


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Replies:
M. Hawbaker
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Posted Image
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warrior-child
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Oh Mel! :hysterical
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Blackjack

:rofl
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Blackjack

A doctor tells a group of patients, "The material we put into our stomachs is terrible. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High-fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?" An old man raises his hand and says, "Wedding cake."
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cricket55
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M. Hawbaker
November 23, 2016, 8:42 pm
:rofl :rofl :rofl

That is a good one Mel.
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Blackjack

Last night I dreamed of a beautiful walk on a sandy beach. At least that explains the footprints I found in the morning in the cat litter box.
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Blackjack

What do prime numbers and stoners have in common?
The higher they are, the more spaced out they get.
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Blackjack

What happens when you play a country song backwards? You get a new truck, a new wife, and a new dog.
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Blackjack

A pirate is selling some loot at a stand he has set up on the docks. A man approaches and is interested in hearing about how he lost his limbs.

Man: "How did you lose your leg?"

Pirate: "I was fighting off a shark in the sea. He got me leg, but I got one of his teeth. Now I use this wooden leg to replace me real one."

Man: "Is that how you lost your hand too?"

Pirate: "No, that was lost when I was attacking another boat of pirates. The captain got me hand, but I got his boat. Now I have this hook to replace me real hand."

Man: "Did you lose your eye in that battle as well?"

Pirate: "No, that was lost when a bird pooped in me eye and I tried to wipe it out. Twas the first day I had me hook."
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Blackjack

A man is fishing one day. After awhile, he runs out of bait. He sees a snake nearby with a frog in its mouth. Knowing that a frog will make good bait, he catches the snake. He removes the frog, and thinks to himself "How do I let the snake go without getting bit?". He ponders for a minute, then, with his free hand, reaches for his bottle of Jack Daniels whiskey. He pops it open and pours some in the snake's mouth. The snake goes limp and the man tosses it away. Later, as he is getting ready to go home, he feels something on his foot. The man looks down to see the snake next to the whiskey, this time with two frogs in its mouth.
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warrior-child
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Two frogs in his mouth ... :hysterical
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Blackjack

A boy was sitting in a park eating a bar of chocolate. After finishing it, he opened another one and started eating that too. Then the man sitting next to him said

"Do you know that you're damaging your teeth there son?"

"My grandfather lived for a 132 years" the boy replied.

"Was it because of eating chocolate?" the man asked curiously

"No. He knew how to mind his own business."
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Blackjack

A graduate with a science degree asks, “Why does it work?”

The graduate with an engineering degree asks, “How does it work?”

The graduate with an accounting degree asks, “How much will it cost?”

The graduate with a liberal arts degree asks, “Do you want fries with that?”
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Blackjack

A guy walks into a bar and sees 3 pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling.

The guy asks, "What's this about?"

The bartender replies, "Well, if you can jump up and slap the meat, you get free drinks for the rest of the night. If you miss, you pay for everyone's drinks for the next hour. You wanna do it?"

The guy replies, "Nah, the steaks are too high."
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Blackjack

The official dogs’ song?

“Every snack you take, every food you make, every can you shake, every seal you break, I’ll be watching you….
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