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Super-duper Joke Thread
Topic Started: February 21, 2014, 10:11 am (62,910 Views)
Blackjack

After giving it some thought I have decided to create the Super-duper Joke Thread where all of the jokes can be posted rather than opening a new thread every day. This way you all can add jokes of your own too. Let's go!

Emergency call.

There was a hysterical call at the fire department, and it went like this:
Caller: Help me, please help me; there is a cat meowing and yowling with frequency and urgency. It is going to hurt me, it's going to kill me; can you please help me, and send the fire squad right away?
Fire Department:Take it easy, cats don’t hurt us, just relax wait until he leaves.
Caller:You don’t understand it is going to bite me, it is going to kill me; it is going to be fatal!
Fire Department: Cats aren’t like snakes or spiders that are poisonous, by the way who is calling?
Caller: I’m Josephine’s parrot you jerk! Help me please, please help!


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Blackjack

"Daddy," a little girl asked her father, "do all fairy tales begin with 'Once upon a time'? "

"No, sweetheart," he answered. "Some begin with 'If I am elected.'"
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Blackjack

Girlfriend: "I'm sick of you pretending you're a detective. I think we should split up."

Me: "Good idea. We can cover more ground that way."
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Blackjack

There was a young pregnant woman whose dream was for her baby to grow up with perfect manners.

So everyday, she would gently rub her belly whilst repeating the line, "Be polite. Be polite."

But a strange thing happened.

After 9 months, the baby showed no signs of coming out.

After a year the woman was still pregnant, and she still kept up the practice of gently rubbing her belly and saying, "Be polite. Be polite."

The woman`s pregnancy continued and continued.

It lasted years.

She refused to let doctors check out the situation with ultrasound and she refused to listen to any advice that they tried to give her.

But all the while she continued to gently rub her belly and say,"Be polite. Be polite."

She finally died at the age of 80 without giving birth.

The mystery of the unborn baby was finally solved when doctors finally opened her up.

Inside her womb were two little men with long white beards saying to each other, "No, my friend. I must insist. After you."
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Blackjack

Burnt my Hawaiian pizza last night, should have put it on aloha heat.
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Blackjack

There’s that moment when you put your steak on the grill and your mouth waters all over from that amazing smell. Do you vegans feel the same when you mow the grass?

(An aside: When I smell freshly mowed grass my Army training kicks in. My first thought is "nerve gas.")
Edited by Blackjack, November 3, 2016, 10:04 am.
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Blackjack

Give a man a fish and you will feed him for a day

Teach a man to fish and he will spend hundreds of dollars on equipment he will use 3 times a year
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Blackjack

While I was living in Japan a woman approached me on the train. She said to me, "What's black and white and red all over?"

"Wow," I said, "You can speak English?"

"Just a riddle," she said.
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Blackjack

Girl: You would be a good dancer except for two things

Boy: What are the two things?

Girl: Your feet
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Blackjack

Did you hear about the bike race that goes all the way across Norway and Sweden?

It ends at the Finnish line.
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Blackjack

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog vendor and tells him, "Make me one with everything."

The vendor gives him a hot dog and the Buddhist gives him a twenty dollar bill. After a moment of waiting, the Buddhist asks, "Where's my change?"

The vendor smiles and says, "Ahh, change must come from within."
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Blackjack

When a man opens the car door for his wife, you can be sure of one thing...

...either the car is new or the wife is.
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Blackjack

Women who are short are called "petite." What are short men called?

Friends.
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Blackjack

Now I'm not saying I'm a good businessman but I spent $534 million less than Hillary Clinton to not become President.
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cricket55
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Blackjack
November 6, 2016, 9:02 am
Did you hear about the bike race that goes all the way across Norway and Sweden?

It ends at the Finnish line.
:groan
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Blackjack

Two antennas get married. The ceremony was ok, But the reception was great!
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