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Super-duper Joke Thread
Topic Started: February 21, 2014, 10:11 am (62,911 Views)
Blackjack

After giving it some thought I have decided to create the Super-duper Joke Thread where all of the jokes can be posted rather than opening a new thread every day. This way you all can add jokes of your own too. Let's go!

Emergency call.

There was a hysterical call at the fire department, and it went like this:
Caller: Help me, please help me; there is a cat meowing and yowling with frequency and urgency. It is going to hurt me, it's going to kill me; can you please help me, and send the fire squad right away?
Fire Department:Take it easy, cats don’t hurt us, just relax wait until he leaves.
Caller:You don’t understand it is going to bite me, it is going to kill me; it is going to be fatal!
Fire Department: Cats aren’t like snakes or spiders that are poisonous, by the way who is calling?
Caller: I’m Josephine’s parrot you jerk! Help me please, please help!


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Blackjack

You can tell Monopoly is an old game because there’s a luxury tax and rich people can go to jail.
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Blackjack

One for the kids.


Why do French people eat snails ?

They don't like fast food.
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Blackjack

An oldie.


Five atheists are driving in a car when they pass a church. Two priests are tending the lawns outside the church.

A sign outside the church says "Beware! The End is Near! Turn yourself around Right Now before it's too late!"

The atheists shout at the priests "Leave us alone you miserable religious fanatics!" and speed away!

Suddenly there is the sound of screeching breaks and a splash!

One priest turns to the other and says "Do you think the sign should simply read 'Bridge out'?"
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Blackjack

One from Finland


Putin lands at Helsinki airport and the immigration officer says "Name?"

"Vladimir Vladimirovich Putin"

"Address?"

"Kremlin, Moscow, Russia"

"Occupation?"

"No, this time just visiting".
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Blackjack

An anti-semite is drinking in a bar. He notices a Jew sitting at a table nearby and doesn't like it. "Bartender!" he says, nodding at the Jew, "A round of the good stuff for everyone except him!"

Everyone happily receives a glass of premium scotch. The anti-semite looks over at the Jew with a smug grin. The Jew smiles back. The anti-semite loses his satisfied expression. "Bartender! Give everyone a drink of your finest, plus an appetizer!" He looks directly at the Jew and adds, "Everyone except the Jew."

The Jewish man looks at the anti-semite, and smiles again. Furious, the anti-semite says, "Is that Jew just stupid or pretending to be?"

"Oh no, sir, he's the owner."
Edited by Blackjack, October 21, 2016, 10:02 am.
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Blackjack

Crazy ex-girlfriends are like a box of chocolates...



They'll kill your dog.
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Blackjack

Pushing the PF envelope a little bit. Too risque? Let me know.


A woman in a bikini reveals about 90% of her body.... and yet most men are so polite they only look at the covered parts.
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Blackjack

Y'all have probably figured out by now that most of these jokes are simple cut and paste jobs from across the web. Sometimes I clean them up a bit or make a small alteration. This one is exactly the way I found it. By itself it isn't particularly funny but it is hilarious to me. See, two of my younger brothers are named Craig and Eric!

The phone rings at the local police station. “Hello? I’m calling to report my neighbor, Craig. He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood!”
“Thank you very much for the call, sir.” The next day, policemen descend on the neighbor’s house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They swear at the neighbors and leave. The phone rings at the neighbors house. Hey, Craig, did the police come?” “Yep.” “Did they chop your firewood?” “Sure did, Eric. Thanks!” “Great, now it’s your turn to call. I need my garden plowed.”
Edited by Blackjack, October 24, 2016, 6:53 am.
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Blackjack

One translated from Arabic. Not by me, obviously!


One day , The ice cream shop has a visitor , It is a little boy , The shop keeper says "Welcome , You came to the right place for your ice cream needs young man!"

The little boy shouts while he is still at the door : "Do you guys have onion flavoured ice cream?"

The man is suprised and said: "No ,we don't sorry" the boy leaves.

The next day at the same time the boy comes in , The shop keeper out of habit says "Welcome" but he sees that it is the boy and silences him self thinking the boy is mad.

The boy says :"Do you have onion flavoured ice cream?"

The man says :"No , We dont".

That keeps going for 2 or 3 weeks until the man thought to himself:"You know , Why dont i make onion flavoured Ice cream for the little guy?" and he stood up all night to make it great . The boy comes the next day.

"Welcome" says the shop keeper,

The boy says the usual lines :"Do you have onion flavoured Ice cream?"

The man excitingly says : "Yes we do"

The boy then says : "Wow you guys must be crazy. Who would buy that swill"
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Blackjack

Men 1845: I just killed a buffalo.

Men 1952: I just fixed the roof.

Men 2016: I just shaved my legs.
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Blackjack

I love eBay!

Sold my homing pigeons 4 times this month.
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Blackjack

Groaner of the week.


A Clown held the door open for me today. It was a nice jester.
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Blackjack

"So what are you doing today?"
"Nothing."
"What the heck, you were doing nothing the whole day yesterday!"
"That's right, and I'm not finished yet."
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Blackjack

A Greek, a Spaniard and a Portuguese all walk into a bar. Who pays?
Germany.
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Blackjack

Why aren't there Walmarts in Afghanistan?

Because there are Targets on every corner.
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