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Super-duper Joke Thread
Topic Started: February 21, 2014, 10:11 am (62,983 Views)
Blackjack

After giving it some thought I have decided to create the Super-duper Joke Thread where all of the jokes can be posted rather than opening a new thread every day. This way you all can add jokes of your own too. Let's go!

Emergency call.

There was a hysterical call at the fire department, and it went like this:
Caller: Help me, please help me; there is a cat meowing and yowling with frequency and urgency. It is going to hurt me, it's going to kill me; can you please help me, and send the fire squad right away?
Fire Department:Take it easy, cats don’t hurt us, just relax wait until he leaves.
Caller:You don’t understand it is going to bite me, it is going to kill me; it is going to be fatal!
Fire Department: Cats aren’t like snakes or spiders that are poisonous, by the way who is calling?
Caller: I’m Josephine’s parrot you jerk! Help me please, please help!


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cricket55
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:rofl
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M. Hawbaker
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When the TV repairman got married the reception was excellent.
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Blackjack

John was a firm believer of ‘the more the merrier’. After only 10 years of marriage he already had 8 kids. When John was forced to move because of his job he was having a very hard time finding an apartment where the landlord would be willing to rent to such a big family. Finally after being turned down one time too many John had an idea. “Listen hear Sally” said John to his wife, “go with the six little kids to the cemetery while I go see this apartment.” Later that day while checking out an apartment the landlord asked, “How many children do you have?” “I have 8 children,” John truthfully replied, “but 6 of them are with their Mother in the cemetery.”

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M. Hawbaker
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:heh
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M. Hawbaker
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What's the difference between a prince and a tennis ball?

One is heir to the throne and the other is thrown in the air.
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barb43
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Wish Martha Stewart was My Sister!
:heh I like that one!
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Blackjack

Disclaimer: My mother-in-law, God rest her soul, was the sweetest old lady. I regarded her as highly as I did my own mother.

That having been said!

Two women came before wise King Solomon, dragging between them a young man in a three-piece suit. "This young lawyer agreed to marry my daughter," said the first one.

"No! He agreed to marry MY daughter," said the other.

And so they haggled before the King until he called for silence.

"Bring me my biggest sword," said Solomon, "and I shall hew the young attorney in half. Each of you shall receive a half."

"Sounds good to me," said the first woman.

But the other woman said, "Oh Sire, do not spill innocent blood. Let the other woman's daughter marry him."

The wise King did not hesitate a moment. "The attorney must marry the first lady's daughter," he proclaimed.

"But she was willing to hew him in two!" exclaimed the King's court.

"Indeed," said wise King Solomon. "That shows she is the TRUE mother-in-law."
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M. Hawbaker
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:heh
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M. Hawbaker
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Ol' Fred had been a faithful Christian and was in the hospital, near death. The family called their preacher to stand with them.

As the preacher stood next to the bed, Ol' Fred's condition appeared to deteriorate and he motioned frantically for something to write on.

The pastor lovingly handed him a pen and a piece of paper, and Ol' Fred used his last bit of energy to scribble a note, then suddenly died.

The preacher thought it best not to look at the note at that time, so he placed it in his jacket pocket.

At the funeral, as he was finishing the message, he realized that he was wearing the same jacket that he was wearing when Ol' Fred died.

He said, "You know, Ol' Fred handed me a note just before he died. I haven't looked at it, but knowing Fred, I'm sure there's a word of inspiration there for us all."

He opened the note, and read, "Please step to your left--you're standing on my oxygen tube!"


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M. Hawbaker
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Posted Image
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cricket55
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:lol
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barb43
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Wish Martha Stewart was My Sister!
Sweetie taught that joke to ds when he was in junior high school & was doing a science fair project about 'which uses more water - a bath or a shower?' :heh
___________________

The family dog was on the internet when the neighbor's dog trotted up and woofed to ask what he was doing?

The family dog woofed in return: "I buried a bone around here somewhere. I'm looking for it on Google Earth."
_______________________
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Blackjack

When I go to a local discount store to get oil and filters for my car, I buy my wife a bouquet of flowers on display near the checkout counter.
During one trip, some women in line behind me were oohing and aahing about a husband getting flowers for his wife.
"How often do you do that?" one asked. Before I could answer, the cashier, more than familiar with my routine, said, "Every three months or 3,000 miles, whichever comes first."
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M. Hawbaker
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:heh
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M. Hawbaker
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Doctor: I have some bad news and some very bad news.
Patient: Well, might as well give me the bad news first.
Doctor: The lab called with your test results. They said you have 24 hours to live.
Patient: 24 HOURS! That's terrible!! WHAT could be WORSE? What's the very bad news?
Doctor: I've been trying to reach you since yesterday.
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