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| Super-duper Joke Thread | |
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| Tweet Topic Started: February 21, 2014, 10:11 am (62,913 Views) | |
| Blackjack | February 21, 2014, 10:11 am Post #1 |
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After giving it some thought I have decided to create the Super-duper Joke Thread where all of the jokes can be posted rather than opening a new thread every day. This way you all can add jokes of your own too. Let's go! Emergency call. There was a hysterical call at the fire department, and it went like this: Caller: Help me, please help me; there is a cat meowing and yowling with frequency and urgency. It is going to hurt me, it's going to kill me; can you please help me, and send the fire squad right away? Fire Department:Take it easy, cats don’t hurt us, just relax wait until he leaves. Caller:You don’t understand it is going to bite me, it is going to kill me; it is going to be fatal! Fire Department: Cats aren’t like snakes or spiders that are poisonous, by the way who is calling? Caller: I’m Josephine’s parrot you jerk! Help me please, please help! |
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| cricket55 | September 24, 2016, 3:30 pm Post #1156 |
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What kind of shoes does a frog wear??? Open toad shoes. |
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| Blackjack | September 25, 2016, 8:42 am Post #1157 |
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I really think Hillary Clinton will be the first f president Oops. I meant female but the emale got deleted |
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| Blackjack | September 26, 2016, 7:41 am Post #1158 |
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A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, “My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?” The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound. The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, “We can’t tell you. You’re not a monk.” The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way. Some years later, the same man breaks down in front of the same monastery. The monks accept him, feed him, even fix his car. That night, he hears the same strange noise that he had heard years earlier. The next morning, he asks what it is, but the monks reply, “We can’t tell you. You’re not a monk.” The man says, “All right, all right. I’m dying to know. If the only way I can find out what that sound was is to become a monk, how do I become a monk?” The monks reply, “You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles. When you find these numbers, you will become a monk.” The man sets about his task. Forty-five years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery. He says, “I have traveled the earth and have found what you have asked for. There are 145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth.” The monks reply, “Congratulations. You are now a monk. We shall now show you the way to the sound.” The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, “The sound is right behind that door.” The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked. He says, “Real funny. May I have the key?” The monks give him the key, and he opens the door. Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone. The man demands the key to the stone door. The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. He demands another key from the monks, who provide it. Behind that door is another door, this one made of sapphire. So it went until the man had gone through doors of emerald, silver, topaz, and amethyst. Finally, the monks say, “This is the last key to the last door.” The man is relieved to no end. He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is amazed to find the source of that strange sound. But I can’t tell you what it is because you’re not a monk |
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| Blackjack | September 27, 2016, 6:07 am Post #1159 |
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Late one night a mugger wearing a mask stopped a well-dressed man and stuck a gun in his ribs. "Give me your money," he demanded. Scandalized, the man replied, "You can’t do this – I’m a US Congressman!" "Oh! In that case," smiled the robber, "Give me MY money!" |
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| Blackjack | September 28, 2016, 6:11 am Post #1160 |
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Saw an old couple arguing at each other in public yesterday Apparently one of them is going to be president |
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| Blackjack | September 29, 2016, 8:09 am Post #1161 |
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My sister bet me a hundred dollars I couldn’t build a car out of spaghetti: You should've seen the look on her face as I drove pasta! |
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| Blackjack | September 30, 2016, 6:57 am Post #1162 |
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My girlfriend treats me like God She ignores my existence and only talks to me when she needs something. |
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| Blackjack | October 1, 2016, 7:22 am Post #1163 |
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Here's a groaner for y'all. What did the DNA say to the other DNA? “Do these genes make me look fat?” |
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| Blackjack | October 2, 2016, 7:02 am Post #1164 |
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A Harley Biker is riding by the zoo in Washington, DC when he sees a little girl leaning into the lion’s cage. Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the collar of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her, under the eyes of her screaming parents. The biker jumps off his Harley, runs to the cage and hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch. Whimpering from the pain the lion jumps back letting go of the girl, and the biker brings the girl to her terrified parents, who thank him endlessly. A reporter has watched the whole event. The reporter addressing the Harley rider says, “Sir, this was the most gallant and bravest thing I’ve seen a man do in my whole life.” The Harley rider replies, “Why, it was nothing, really. The lion was behind bars. I just saw this little kid in danger, and acted as I felt right.” The reporter says, “Well, I’ll make sure this won’t go unnoticed. I’m a journalist, you know, and tomorrow’s paper will have this story on the front page. So, what do you do for a living, and what political affiliation do you have?” The biker replies “I’m a U.S. Marine, a Republican and I’m voting for Trump.” The journalist leaves. The following morning the biker buys the paper to see if it indeed brings news of his actions, and reads, on the front page: “U.S. MARINE ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT & STEALS HIS LUNCH” |
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| Blackjack | October 3, 2016, 6:48 am Post #1165 |
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An authentic, from Cuba, Cuban joke. Fidel Castro dies and because he thinks he is so great he goes to Heaven. Once past the gates though, Saint Peter stops him and throws him out being the the watchful eye he is. In hell, the devil meets Castro and gives him a warm welcome and tells his demons to get Castro's bags and bring them to his room. Castro however forgot them in Heaven and the demons promptly go to retrieve the bags. They get to Heaven but the gates have already shut and the demons have to start climbing the fence to get the bags. Two angels see this occurring and one remarks, "Man, Castro isn't in hell for 5 minutes and we're already getting refugees" |
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| Blackjack | October 4, 2016, 7:38 am Post #1166 |
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It annoys me that Engineering students call themselves engineers.. You don’t hear medical students calling themselves doctors, or art students calling themselves unemployed. |
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| Blackjack | October 5, 2016, 6:03 am Post #1167 |
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The genie tells the man "I can only grant you one wish. What is it that you would like?" The carpenter responds: "You know, carpentry is my passion. I would love to be able to talk to my tools. They are my friends, after all". The genie makes it so. Later, the carpenter is working on the frame of a house when he sees his hammer next to him. The carpenter says to the hammer, "Well, I can talk to my tools now. What would you like to say?" The hammer replies, "I'm hammer" "Yes, I know that" says the carpenter. "Is that it?" "I'm hammer" says the hammer. The carpenter is frustrated and turns to his trusty wrench. The carpenter says, "What about you? What can you say?" "I'm wrench", says the wrench. Now the carpenter is really frustrated. He asks his saw, ladder, tape measure, and screw driver the same questions, only to receive "I'm saw, I'm ladder, I'm tape measure, I'm screw driver". The carpenter is starting to lose it and gives up for the day. He drives home, knowing that he may be able to forget his wish and relax in front of the television. He walks through the front door and heads to his computer to check his emails, when he comes across a plank of wood sitting in front of his computer. Across further inspection, the carpenter sees that the plank is typing a very long joke into Prophesy Fellowship. "What in the world is going on?!", exclaims the carpenter. "I'm board" |
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| M. Hawbaker | October 5, 2016, 11:44 am Post #1168 |
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:faint |
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| Blackjack | October 5, 2016, 8:42 pm Post #1169 |
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Did you hear about the restaurant on Mars?? Great food, horrible atmosphere. |
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| Blackjack | October 6, 2016, 6:23 pm Post #1170 |
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In keeping with recent news. If you get robbed by a bunch of clowns Go for the juggler |
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6:36 PM Jul 10