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Super-duper Joke Thread
Topic Started: February 21, 2014, 10:11 am (62,914 Views)
Blackjack

After giving it some thought I have decided to create the Super-duper Joke Thread where all of the jokes can be posted rather than opening a new thread every day. This way you all can add jokes of your own too. Let's go!

Emergency call.

There was a hysterical call at the fire department, and it went like this:
Caller: Help me, please help me; there is a cat meowing and yowling with frequency and urgency. It is going to hurt me, it's going to kill me; can you please help me, and send the fire squad right away?
Fire Department:Take it easy, cats don’t hurt us, just relax wait until he leaves.
Caller:You don’t understand it is going to bite me, it is going to kill me; it is going to be fatal!
Fire Department: Cats aren’t like snakes or spiders that are poisonous, by the way who is calling?
Caller: I’m Josephine’s parrot you jerk! Help me please, please help!


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Replies:
Blackjack

One for the kids.


Knock knock
Who is there?
Etch
Etch Who?
Bless You
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Blackjack

What's 50 Cent's name in Zimbabwe?

400 Billion Dollars.
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Blackjack

A vegetarian looked at my burger and said, "You know, a cow died so you could have that burger."

Mid-bite, I looked at his salad and responded, "Maybe he died because you keep eating all of its food!"
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Blackjack

A wife comes home late one night and quietly opens the door to her bedroom. From under the blanket, she sees four legs instead of just her husband's two. She reaches for a baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as she can. Once she's done, she goes to the kitchen to have a drink. As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine. He says, "Hi darling, your parents have come to visit us, so I let them stay in our bedroom. Did you say hello?"
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Blackjack

Will glass coffins be a success?

Remains to be seen.
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Blackjack

Bonus joke. I heard this one today. No way I'll still remember it tomorrow.


One day an i-Phone will explode and Samsung owners will be like...

Samsung has had that feature for years.
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Blackjack

People make such a big deal about vegans, but I don't get it.
I never had a beef with one.
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M. Hawbaker
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A guy is at his job interview when the employer says, "Well your resume looks great but I see here there was a 7 year gap since your last job, what happened there?"

The guy says, "Oh I went to Yale".

The employer says, "Yale, that's great!! Well you're hired, you can start Monday."

The guy replies, "Yay! I got a yob!"
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Blackjack

:pound Finally, a joke that Maria understood!
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Blackjack

How many Vietnam Veterans does it take to screw in a light bulb?

YOU DON'T KNOW, MAN, BECAUSE YOU WEREN'T THERE...!
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Blackjack

One from England.

Three middle-aged women are sitting on a park bench discussing their children.

"My son William studied Architecture at Cambridge. He's 25 years old now and he makes £70,000 a year at Bregmann and Hamann," the first woman says.

"My son Charlie read Law at Oxford. He'll be turning 23 in October and he makes £100,000 a year at Shoe Lane Chambers," says the second woman.

"My son Max didn't go to uni. He left school at the age of 16, as a matter of fact. He's 30 now, but he makes half a million a year working as a sports mechanic in London," the third woman says.

"I've heard of car mechanics, plane mechanics, and typewriter mechanics, but not a sports mechanic. What's that?" the first woman asks.

"Well, you know, he fixes rugby matches, football matches, tennis matches..."
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Blackjack

One for the kids. Or maybe not! How many kids today know what old timey trains sounded like?


What is the difference between a teacher and a train?

One goes "Spit out your gum" while the other goes "Choo. Choo. Choo"
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Blackjack

Researchers for the Massachusetts Turnpike Authority found over 200 dead crows near greater Boston recently, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu. A Bird Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone’s relief, confirmed the problem was definitely NOT Avian Flu. The cause of death appeared to be vehicular impacts. However, during the detailed analysis it was noted that varying colors of paints appeared on the bird’s beaks and claws. By analyzing these paint residues it was determined that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with trucks, while only 2% were killed by an impact with a car. MTA then hired an Ornithological Behaviorist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of truck kills versus car kills. The Ornithological Behaviorist very quickly concluded the cause: when crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow in a nearby tree to warn of impending danger. They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout “Cah“, not a single one could shout “Truck.”
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Blackjack

As I was watching my dog chasing his tail I thought "Wow. Dogs are easily amused." Then I realized I was watching a dog chasing his tail.
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Blackjack

Two beggars in London

Ali and Habib are beggars. They beg in different areas of London ...

Habib begs just as long as Ali does, but only collects £2 to £3 every day.

Ali brings home a suitcase FULL of £10 notes, drives a Mercedes, lives in a mortgage-free house and has a lot of money to spend.

Habib asks Ali :- 'I work just as long and hard as you do but how is it that you bring home a suitcase full of £10 notes every day?'

Ali says, 'Look at your sign, what does it say'?

Habib's sign reads 'I have no work, a wife and 6 kids to support'.

Ali says No wonder you only get £2- £3

Habib says... 'So what does your sign say'?

Ali shows Habib his sign.... It reads,

'I only need another £10 to move back to Pakistan'.
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