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Super-duper Joke Thread
Topic Started: February 21, 2014, 10:11 am (62,915 Views)
Blackjack

After giving it some thought I have decided to create the Super-duper Joke Thread where all of the jokes can be posted rather than opening a new thread every day. This way you all can add jokes of your own too. Let's go!

Emergency call.

There was a hysterical call at the fire department, and it went like this:
Caller: Help me, please help me; there is a cat meowing and yowling with frequency and urgency. It is going to hurt me, it's going to kill me; can you please help me, and send the fire squad right away?
Fire Department:Take it easy, cats don’t hurt us, just relax wait until he leaves.
Caller:You don’t understand it is going to bite me, it is going to kill me; it is going to be fatal!
Fire Department: Cats aren’t like snakes or spiders that are poisonous, by the way who is calling?
Caller: I’m Josephine’s parrot you jerk! Help me please, please help!


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Replies:
M. Hawbaker
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:lol
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Blackjack

I bought a universal remote the other day and I thought to myself "Wow, this changes everything!"
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Blackjack

Husband: My wife is missing. She went shopping yesterday and has not come home.
Sergeant: What is her height?
Husband: Gee, I’m not sure. A little over five-feet tall.
Sergeant: Weight?
Husband: Don’t know. Not slim, not really fat.
Sergeant: Color of eyes?
Husband: Never noticed.
Sergeant: Color of hair?
Husband: Changes a couple times a year. Maybe dark brown.
Sergeant: What was she wearing?
Husband: Could have been a skirt or shorts. I don’t remember exactly.
Sergeant: What kind of car did she go in?
Husband: She went in my truck.
Sergeant: What kind of truck was it?
Husband: Brand new 2015 Ford F150 King Ranch 4X4 with eco-boost 5.0L V8 engine special ordered with manual transmission. It has a custom matching white cover for the bed. Custom leather seats and “Bubba” floor mats. Trailering package with gold hitch. DVD with navigation, 21-channel CB radio, six cup holders, and four power outlets. Added special alloy wheels and off-road Michelins. Wife put a small scratch on the drivers door. At this point the husband started choking up.
Sergeant: Don’t worry buddy. We’ll find your truck.
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Blackjack

The wife came home with four cases of beer, three boxes of wine, a litre of vodka, two litres of gin, two bottles of whisky and two loaves of bread

"Are we expecting guests?" He asked.

"No," she replied.

*"Then why did you buy so much bread..!!
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Blackjack

An eccentric philosophy professor gave a one question final exam after a semester dealing with a broad array of topics.

The class was already seated and ready to go when the professor picked up his chair, plopped it on his desk and wrote on the board: "Using everything we have learned this semester, prove that this chair does not exist."

Fingers flew, erasers erased, notebooks were filled in furious fashion. Some students wrote over 30 pages in one hour attempting to refute the existence of the chair. One member of the class however, was up and finished in less than a minute.

Weeks later when the grades were posted, the rest of the group wondered how he could have gotten an A when he had barely written anything at all. His answer consisted of two words:

"What chair?"
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Blackjack

What's the difference between an arts graduate and a pizza?

A pizza can feed a family.
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cricket55
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What do you call a fake noodle??


An Impasta
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Blackjack

Wife: Why do you go out in the balcony, when I start singing.

Husband: Because the people would think I am beating you.
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Blackjack

My wife believes in compromise. If we agree on something we do it my way, and if we disagree we do it her way.
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Blackjack

If I got 50 cents for every failed math exam

I’d have $ 6.30 now
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Blackjack

What did the lactose intolerant guy say after having a glass of milk?

Please excuse my dairy air.
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Blackjack

When I see lovers' names carved in a tree, I don't think it's sweet.

I'm just surprised by how many people bring a knife on a date.
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Blackjack

Why did the geologist get divorced?

He took his wife for granite.
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Blackjack

The early bird might get the worm but the second mouse always gets the cheese.
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Blackjack

Two tugboat captains who had been friends for years, would always cry “Aye!” and blow their whistles whenever they passed each other.

A new crewman asked his boat’s mate, “What do they do that for?”

The mate looked surprised and replied, “You mean that you’ve never heard of an aye for an aye and a toot for a toot?”
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