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Super-duper Joke Thread
Topic Started: February 21, 2014, 10:11 am (62,918 Views)
Blackjack

After giving it some thought I have decided to create the Super-duper Joke Thread where all of the jokes can be posted rather than opening a new thread every day. This way you all can add jokes of your own too. Let's go!

Emergency call.

There was a hysterical call at the fire department, and it went like this:
Caller: Help me, please help me; there is a cat meowing and yowling with frequency and urgency. It is going to hurt me, it's going to kill me; can you please help me, and send the fire squad right away?
Fire Department:Take it easy, cats don’t hurt us, just relax wait until he leaves.
Caller:You don’t understand it is going to bite me, it is going to kill me; it is going to be fatal!
Fire Department: Cats aren’t like snakes or spiders that are poisonous, by the way who is calling?
Caller: I’m Josephine’s parrot you jerk! Help me please, please help!


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Replies:
Blackjack

My poor knowledge of Greek mythology has been my Achilles elbow.
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Blackjack

An American, a Briton, and a North Korean look at a picture of Adam and Eve in the garden of Eden and try to figure out what nationality they are.

The American says, "Look at how free and independent they are, they must be Americans."

The Briton says, "What are you talking about, look at how calm and reserved they are, the are obviously British."

The North Korean says, "You two are both missing the point. They have no clothes, no shelter, they only have an apple to eat between them and yet they are being told that they live in paradise. They're clearly North Korean."
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Blackjack

Why couldn't the hippie be saved from drowning?



He was too far out, man.
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Blackjack

When you have an "I hate my job" day, try this out:

Stop at your pharmacy and go to the thermometer section and purchase a rectal thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson.

Be very sure you get this brand.

When you get home, lock your doors, draw the curtains and disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed.

Change into very comfortable clothing and sit in your favorite chair. Open the package and remove the thermometer.

Now, carefully place it on a table or a surface so that it will not become chipped or broken.

Now the fun part begins.

Take out the literature from the box and read it carefully.

You will notice that in small print there is a statement:

"Every Rectal Thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson is personally tested and then sanitized."

Now, close your eyes and repeat out loud five times, "I am so glad I do not work in the thermometer quality control department at Johnson & Johnson."

HAVE A NICE DAY; AND REMEMBER, THERE IS ALWAYS SOMEONE ELSE WITH A JOB THAT IS MORE OF A PAIN IN THE BUTT THAN YOURS!
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Blackjack

What's the difference between a social justice warrior (SJW) and a gun?

A gun has only one trigger.
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Blackjack

I tried to start up a business as a Ford dealership but I lost my Focus.
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Blackjack

A Chinese man and a Jewish man are in an elevator...

..As they ascend floors, the Jewish man turns to the Chinese man and blurts out "You know what.. I don't like Chinese people too much." Taken back, the Chinese man asks him why. "Because you guys were responsible for Pearl Harbor!" Shocked, the Chinese man responds "That was the Japanese.." The Jew snapped back "Chinese, Japanese, Taiwanese, you're all the same."

Understandably perturbed, the Chinese man retorts: "Well you know what? I don't really like Jews too much.." Expectedly, the Jewish man asks him why. "Because you guys sunk the Titanic!" Flabbergasted, the Jewish man exclaims, "What are you talking about!? That was an iceberg.."

"Iceberg, Greenberg, Steinberg, you're all the same!"
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Blackjack

I make apocalypse jokes...like there's no tomorrow.
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Blackjack

After the Great Britain Beer Festival, in London, all the Presidents of the breweries decide to go to the pub for a drink.
The Coors President said "I'll have the only beer made with Rocky Mountain Spring Water: a Coors, please." The bartender gave him the drink.
Then the Budweiser President orders, "The King Of Beers -- Budweiser." The bartender proceeds with the order.
The Amstel President walks in and orders "The Finest Beer ever." The bartender gives him an Amstel.
Then the Guinness President says, "I'll have a coke please."
The bartender is taken aback by this but gives the coke to him anyway. All the Presidents looked over at him and said, "Why have you ordered a coke?"
He replied, "Well if you all aren't drinking beer, then neither shall I."
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Blackjack

Why is it so hard to get into a relationship with an SJW (Social Justice Warrior?)

Because they have high double standards.
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M. Hawbaker
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Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He’s not breathing, so his friend calls 911.

“I think my friend is dead, what should I do?” he says.

The operator replies, “Calm down, sir, I can help. First make sure that he’s really dead.”

There’s a silence, then a loud bang.

Back on the phone, the guy says, “Ok, now what?”
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Blackjack

Last night, my wife woke me up Darling...! Darling...! There's a burglar downstairs...!!! So I go down, check every room and don't find anyone. Then I realized I don't have a wife and when I went back upstairs my bed and TV were gone.
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Blackjack

Today, a special treat. A real Chinese joke actually from China.


Xi went to Guangxi and spoke with the governor about the fine people of China.

The governor: Fine people...I don't know.

Xi: I will show you. Hey you! Come here! What do you do?

Farmer: I'm a farmer.

Xi: Let me ask you, if you had two houses, would you give one to the government?

Without hesitation the farmer says yes.. Xi turns to the governor who isn't convinced.

Xi asks: if you had two cars, would you give one to the government? Immediate yes from the farmer. The governor asks if he may asks a question and Xi says, of course.

Governor: if you had two cows, would you give one to the government.

Farmer: No. Never. Please don't ask.

Xi is confused: But you'd give a house and car, why not a cow?

Farmer: I actually have two cows.
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barb43
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Wish Martha Stewart was My Sister!
Dyslexic man walks into a bra . . .
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Blackjack

A Jew and an Arab walk into a bakery...

Once inside the Arab grabs three pastries and swiftly stashes them in his pocket. He then looks at the Jew with a prideful smile and says "See how sly I am?" The Jew, being determined to crush the Arab's pride, walks up to the baker and says "If you give me a pastry I will show you a magic trick." The baker's curiosity got the best of him and he agreed. The Jew ate the pastry and then asked for another. The Jew ate the second one and asked for a third. After the Jew ate the third one the baker's patience began to run low. The baker asked "Okay, so where are the pastries?"

The Jew smiled and answered "Look in the Arabs back pocket."
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