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Super-duper Joke Thread
Topic Started: February 21, 2014, 10:11 am (62,919 Views)
Blackjack

After giving it some thought I have decided to create the Super-duper Joke Thread where all of the jokes can be posted rather than opening a new thread every day. This way you all can add jokes of your own too. Let's go!

Emergency call.

There was a hysterical call at the fire department, and it went like this:
Caller: Help me, please help me; there is a cat meowing and yowling with frequency and urgency. It is going to hurt me, it's going to kill me; can you please help me, and send the fire squad right away?
Fire Department:Take it easy, cats don’t hurt us, just relax wait until he leaves.
Caller:You don’t understand it is going to bite me, it is going to kill me; it is going to be fatal!
Fire Department: Cats aren’t like snakes or spiders that are poisonous, by the way who is calling?
Caller: I’m Josephine’s parrot you jerk! Help me please, please help!


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Blackjack

Two Americans open a bungee jumping business in Mexico. They set up on the square of a small village. Bob jumps, bounces at the end of the cord and flies back up by the platform. Jeff isn't able to catch his friend, but he notices that Bob has a few cuts and scratches. Bob falls again, bounces, and comes back up. This time, he is bruised and bleeding. Again, Jeff misses pulling Bob up. The third time it happens, Bob comes back pretty messed up -- he's got a couple of broken bones and is almost unconscious. Luckily, Jeff finally catches him and says, "Holy cow, what happened? Was the cord too long?" "No," says Bob. "The cord was fine, but the birthday party down there thinks I'm a pinata!"
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Blackjack

My memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
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Blackjack

A wife asks her husband, a software engineer, "Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk, and if they have eggs, get six!" A short time later the husband comes back with six cartons of milk. The wife asks him, "Why the heck did you buy six cartons of milk?" He replied, "They had eggs."
Edited by Blackjack, July 20, 2016, 4:03 pm.
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Blackjack

Seen on the net somewhere.

Never criticize your husband's faults. It may have been those little imperfections which stopped him from getting a better wife.
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Blackjack

An 18th-century vagabond in England, exhausted and famished, came to a roadside Inn with a sign reading: "George and the Dragon." He knocked. The Innkeeper's wife stuck her head out a window.
"Could ye spare some victuals?" He asked.
The woman glanced at his shabby, dirty clothes. "No!" she shouted.
"Could I have a pint of ale?"
"No!" she shouted.
"Could I at least sleep in your stable?"
"No!" she shouted again.
The vagabond said, "Might I please...?"
"What now?" the woman screeched, not allowing him to finish.
"D'ye suppose," he asked, "that I might have a word with George?"
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Blackjack

John, had been a red cross responder for years, but there was still one incident that happened in his first year on the job, that he would never forget. They had been searching a rocky river for hours searching for a woman by the name of Wendy. After many fruitless attempts at calling “Wendy, it’s the Red Cross!”, they finally heard a faint response saying “I hear you, Red Cross, I gave already!”
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Blackjack

John was a firm believer of ‘the more the merrier’. After only 10 years of marriage he already had 8 kids. When John was forced to move because of his job he was having a very hard time finding an apartment where the landlord would be willing to rent to such a big family. Finally after being turned down one time too many John had an idea. “Listen hear Sally” said John to his wife, “go with the six little kids to the cemetery while I go see this apartment.” Later that day while checking out an apartment the landlord asked, “How many children do you have?” “I have 8 children,” John truthfully replied, “but 6 of them are with their Mother in the cemetery.”
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Blackjack

A group of prosperous businessmen were dining at the Sam’s Hotel in Las Vegas. “Seems to me you are getting a little slimmer,” remarked one. “I should be!” replied the other. “I went on one of those high protein diets. Nothing but expensive steaks and chops. And would you believe it?-in just two weeks I lost thirty dollars!”
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Blackjack

If you ever hear that building plastic models is silly, just remember there are people outside looking for Pokemon.
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cricket55
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:rofl
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Blackjack

If you ever start to feel useless just remember that it is somebody's job to install turn signals at BMW.
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Blackjack

Sandy and Norman were in despair. Their 3 year old son Timmy still had not learned how to talk. Not a word had escaped through those now 3 year old lips. One night at dinner, Timmy took a taste of his pie, and to their utter surprise and amazement, said: “You call this pie? It tastes like some tasteless mush!”. Sandy and Norman sat there in shock, for this was not just their son’s first sentence, but the first words he ever uttered! Once the initial shock had subsided, Norman asked “tell me Timmy, how come you never spoke until now?” “I never had any reason to” explained Timmy. “Everything was always fine.”
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Blackjack

"Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse. "So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked.
"No," she replied, "but my husband refused to come shopping with me, so I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him."
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Blackjack

Last day of July bonus picture. I love living in Massachusetts! :rofl

Posted Image
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Blackjack

A pregnant woman hobbles into a hospital with one hand on her back...

A nurse asks her what's wrong, and the pregnant woman screams, "Shouldn't! Wouldn't! Didn't!"

The nurse shakes her head and says, "I'm sorry…I don't understand."

The pregnant woman's face contorts in pain as she shouts, "Can't! Won't! Don't!"

The nurse, bewildered, turns to a doctor.

"Admit her," the doctor said. "She's having contractions."
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