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Super-duper Joke Thread
Topic Started: February 21, 2014, 10:11 am (62,921 Views)
Blackjack

After giving it some thought I have decided to create the Super-duper Joke Thread where all of the jokes can be posted rather than opening a new thread every day. This way you all can add jokes of your own too. Let's go!

Emergency call.

There was a hysterical call at the fire department, and it went like this:
Caller: Help me, please help me; there is a cat meowing and yowling with frequency and urgency. It is going to hurt me, it's going to kill me; can you please help me, and send the fire squad right away?
Fire Department:Take it easy, cats don’t hurt us, just relax wait until he leaves.
Caller:You don’t understand it is going to bite me, it is going to kill me; it is going to be fatal!
Fire Department: Cats aren’t like snakes or spiders that are poisonous, by the way who is calling?
Caller: I’m Josephine’s parrot you jerk! Help me please, please help!


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Blackjack

A little boy walks down the cereal aisle in a store. When he sees cheerios, he yells, “donut seeds!”
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Blackjack



Q: What do you call an Amish guy with his hand in a horse’s mouth?

A: A mechanic.
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Blackjack

A neutron walks into a bar. "I'd like a beer" he says.
The bartender promptly serves up a beer.
"How much will that be?" asks the neutron.
"For you?" replies the bartender, "no charge"
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Blackjack

A shopkeeper was dismayed when a store opened next door with a huge sign that said, BEST DEALS!” To make things worse, another store opened on the other side with a huge sign reading “LOWEST PRICES!” He nearly panicked until he had the idea to put up his own sign, bigger that the other two, that read, “MAIN ENTRANCE.”
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Blackjack

“Mister, why doesn’t this cow have any horns?” asked the young lady from a nearby city.
The farmer ****ed his head for a moment, then began in a patient tone, “Well, ma’am, cattle can do a powerful lot of damage with horns. Sometimes we keep’em trimmed down with a hacksaw. Other times we can fix up the young ‘uns by puttin’ a couple drops of acid where their horns would grow in, and that stops ‘em cold. Still, there are some breeds of cattle that never grow horns.But the reason this cow don’t have no horns, ma’am, is ’cause it’s a horse.”
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M. Hawbaker
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:spit
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Blackjack

One for the kids.

Q: What did the ocean say to the beach?
A: Nothing. It just waved.
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Blackjack

Mom was preparing the two children for bed and was telling bedtime stories. She remarked that God made eyes to see, ears to hear, noses to smell and feet to run.
The little girl sat up and said, “But, Momma, I guess God got kinda mixed up with Tom, here, because Tom’s nose runs and his feet smell!”
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Blackjack

Mr. Brown was working in his garden when on the other side of the fence, he heard his neighbor crying. Mr. Brown popped his head over the fence and asked, "What's the matter Mary? What has upset you?" The blonde neighbor replied, "My dog has died and I'm going to bury it here." Mr. Brown said, "You only have one dog, so why have you dug three holes?" She answered, "The first two were too small."
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M. Hawbaker
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:faint
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Blackjack

To prove his love for her, he swam the deepest river, crossed the widest desert and climbed the highest mountain. She divorced him. He was never home.
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Blackjack

Possible repeat. Still funny.


An elderly couple were killed in an accident and found themselves being given a tour of heaven by Saint Peter.

"Here is your oceanside condo, over there are the tennis courts, swimming pool, and two golf courses. If you need any refreshments, just stop by any of the many bars located throughout the area."

"Heck, Gloria," the old man hissed when Saint Peter walked off, "we could have been here ten years ago if you hadn't heard about all that stupid oat bran, wheat germ, and low-fat diets!"
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Blackjack

A bunch of knock-knocks for the kids.



Knock-knock.
Who’s there?
Hatch.
Hatch who?
God bless you.

Knock-knock.
Who’s there?
Cereal.
Cereal who?
Cereal pleasure to meet you.

Knock-knock
Who’s there?
Opportunity.
Don’t be silly-
opportunity doesn’t knock twice!

Knock-knock.
Who’s there?
Madam.
Madam who?
Madam foot got caught in the door!

Knock-knock!
Who’s there?
A little girl.
A little girl who?
A little girl who can’t reach the doorbell!

Knock-knock!
Who’s there?
Value.
Value who?
Value be my Valentine?

Knock-knock!
Who’s there?
Figs!
Figs who?
Figs the doorbell, it’s broken.

Knock-knock!
Who’s there?
Banana!
Banana who?
Banana split so ice creamed!

Knock-knock!
Who’s there?
Hawaii.
Hawaii who?
I’m fine, Hawaii you?

Knock-knock!
Who’s there?
Harry!
Harry who?
Harry up and answer the door!

Knock-knock!
Who’s there?
Keith!
Keith who?
Keith me, my thweet preenth!
(Kiss me, my sweet prince)

Knock-knock!
Who’s there?
Aardvark!
Aardvark who?
Aardvark a hundred miles for one of your smiles!

Knock-knock!
Who’s there?
Nobel.
Nobel who?
No bell so I’ll knock.

Knock-knock!
Who’s there?
I scream.
I scream who?
I scream tastes cool on a hot day.
Knock-knock.
Who’s there?
Pencil.
Pencil who?
Pencil fall down if you don’t wear a belt!

Knock-knock.
Who’s there?
Oswald.
Oswald who?
Oswald my bubble gum.

Knock-knock!
Who’s there?
Orange.
Orange who?
Orange you going to answer the door?

Knock-knock!
Who’s there?
Boo.
Boo who?
Stop crying you little baby!

I know a great knock-knock joke.
Ok, tell me.
All right. You start.
Ok, knock, knock!
Who’s there?

Knock-knock!
Who’s there?
Bless!
Bless who?
I didn’t sneeze!

Knock-knock!
Who’s there?
Tank.
Tank who?
You’re welcome!

Knock-knock!
Who’s there?
Atch!
Atch who?
I’m sorry I didn’t know you had a cold!

Knock-knock!
Who’s there?
Doris.
Doris, who?
Doris locked, that’s why I had to knock!

Knock-knock!
Who’s there?
Dwayne.
Dwayne who?
Dwayne the tub, I’m dwowning.

Knock-knock!
Who’s there?
Clear.
Clear who?
Clear this hallway for delivery.

Knock-knock!
Who’s there?
Butter!
Butter who?
I butter not tell you!

Knock-knock!
Who’s there?
I love.
I love who?
I don’t know, you tell me!

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Blackjack

“Hi Sarah, listen I only have a minute. I’m about to get picked up for a blind date, can you call me in a half hour just in case it’s going bad? Yes? Ok great! We’ll speak.” Raquel gave herself a quick spray of perfume, checked herself out one more time in the mirror, and headed outside to wait for the guy. Sure enough after twenty minutes Raquel was discreetly checking her watch. After ten more long minutes her phone finally buzzed. Raquel listened for a few seconds, grimly pursed her lips, and turned to her date, “I feel terrible, but my Grandmother is terribly sick, and I must go home now .” “No problem!” Said her date with a big grin, “in a few more minutes my dog was going to get run over!”
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Blackjack

There were no two ways about it. Rosie was fat. Very fat. “Martha”, said Rosie to her best friend, “it was terrible what happened yesterday after the birthday party. You know how half of the birthday cake was left over? Well, I knew Bob would be fuming at me for eating it,with my diet and all, but I couldn’t help myself, it started with just a small nibble and before I knew it the whole cake was gone!.” “Oh my!” clucked Martha, “was Bob really upset?” “He never found it”, responded Rosie with a full double chin smile, “I just baked another cake and ate half of it!”
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