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| Super-duper Joke Thread | |
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| Tweet Topic Started: February 21, 2014, 10:11 am (62,924 Views) | |
| Blackjack | February 21, 2014, 10:11 am Post #1 |
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After giving it some thought I have decided to create the Super-duper Joke Thread where all of the jokes can be posted rather than opening a new thread every day. This way you all can add jokes of your own too. Let's go! Emergency call. There was a hysterical call at the fire department, and it went like this: Caller: Help me, please help me; there is a cat meowing and yowling with frequency and urgency. It is going to hurt me, it's going to kill me; can you please help me, and send the fire squad right away? Fire Department:Take it easy, cats don’t hurt us, just relax wait until he leaves. Caller:You don’t understand it is going to bite me, it is going to kill me; it is going to be fatal! Fire Department: Cats aren’t like snakes or spiders that are poisonous, by the way who is calling? Caller: I’m Josephine’s parrot you jerk! Help me please, please help! |
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| Blackjack | April 30, 2016, 8:20 am Post #991 |
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According to a news report, a certain private school in Washington recently was faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints. Every night, the maintenance man would remove them and the next day, the girls would put them back. Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night. To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required. He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it. Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror. There are teachers, and then there are educators... |
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| Blackjack | May 2, 2016, 6:05 pm Post #992 |
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A priest, a minister, and a rabbi want to see who’s best at his job. So they each go into the woods, find a bear, and attempt to convert it. Later they get together. The priest begins: “When I found the bear, I read to him from the Catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Next week is his first communion.” “I found a bear by the stream,” says the minister, “and preached God’s holy word. The bear was so mesmerized that he let me baptize him.” They both look down at the rabbi, who is lying on a gurney in a body cast. “Looking back,” he says, “maybe I shouldn't have started with the circumcision.” |
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| cricket55 | May 2, 2016, 6:22 pm Post #993 |
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:lol |
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| Blackjack | May 4, 2016, 4:57 pm Post #994 |
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Three men are traveling on a ship, when they are accosted by the Devil. The Devil proposes that if each man drops something into the sea and he cannot find it, he will be that man's slave. If the Devil does find it, however, he will eat that man up. The first man drops a pure, clear diamond, and immediately gets eaten. The second drops an expensive watch, trying to impress the Devil, and gets eaten. The third man fills a bottle with water and pours it into the sea yelling, "You think I'm a fool? Try finding that!" |
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| Blackjack | May 6, 2016, 9:44 am Post #995 |
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“Hi, police department? I’ve lost my cat and … “Sorry lady, this is not a police job, we are too busy… “But you don’t understand… this is a very intelligent cat. He is almost human. He can practically talk.” “Well, you’d better hang up, lady. He may be trying to call you right now.” |
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| Blackjack | May 11, 2016, 4:35 pm Post #996 |
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Three old ladies are sitting around a table playing bridge and bragging about their sons. “My Freddie,” said Margaret, “Everyone should be so lucky to have a son like my Freddie. Once a week he brings me a huge bouquet of flowers, he’s constantly bringing me out to restaurants to eat, if I so much as hint that I want something the next morning it’s on my doorstep.” “That’s very nice about your Freddie”, says Gertrude. “But with all due respect, when I think about the way my Sammy takes care of me, it just can’t compare. Every morning as soon as I wake up he greets me with bacon and freshly brewed coffee. Every lunch he comes over and cooks me a gourmet lunch, and every supper he brings me to his house for supper, he truly treats me like a queen.” “WELL!” Says Barbara “I don’t want to make any of you feel bad or anything, but wait until you hear about my Harry, twice a week he pays someone $200 an hour just so he can lie on their couch and talk to them, and who do you think he speaks about at those prices? Asks Barbara with a big excited double chin smile, “I’ll tell you who he speaks about! ALL HE SPEAKS ABOUT IS ME!” |
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| Blackjack | May 12, 2016, 8:24 am Post #997 |
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After many years of studying at a university, I’ve finally become a PhD… or Pizza Hut Deliveryman as people call it. |
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| Blackjack | May 15, 2016, 2:57 pm Post #998 |
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We can teach kids there’s no i in team, but it’s way more important to teach them that there’s no a in definitely. |
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| Blackjack | May 16, 2016, 1:32 pm Post #999 |
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I was at the customer-service desk, returning a pair of jeans that was too tight. “Was anything wrong with them?” the clerk asked. “Yes,” I said. “They hurt my feelings.” |
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| Blackjack | May 17, 2016, 7:58 am Post #1000 |
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Mum comes to visit her son for 3 days in London where he is studying. She finds out that her son lives with Vicki, a young female roommate. Mum couldn't help but notice how pretty her son's roommate was. She suspects a relationship between the two, and this had only made her more curious. Reading his mum's thoughts, the son volunteered... "Mum, I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Vicki and I are just roommates." About a week later, Vicki came to the son saying... "Ever since your mother left, I've been unable to find the silver sugar bowl. You don't suppose she took it do you?" "Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her, just to be sure." So he sat down and wrote: "Dear Mother, I'm not saying that you "did" take the sugar bowl from my house, I'm not saying that you "did not" take it. But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you left and went back home. Your loving Son." Several days later, he received an email from his Mother which read: "Dear Son, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Vicki, I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with her. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her OWN bed, she would have found the sugar bowl by now. |
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| Blackjack | May 19, 2016, 1:03 pm Post #1001 |
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The new family in the neighborhood overslept and their six-year-old daughter missed her school bus. The father, though late for work himself, had to drive her. Since he did not know the way, he said that she would have to direct him to the school. They rode several blocks before she told him to turn the first time, several more before she indicated another turn. This went on for 20 minutes – but when they finally reached the school, it proved to be only a short distance from their home. The father, much annoyed, asked his daughter why she’d led him around in such a circle. The child explained, “That’s the way the school bus goes, Daddy. It’s the only way I know.” |
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| Blackjack | May 20, 2016, 4:59 pm Post #1002 |
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A mother invited some people to dinner. At the table, she turned to her six-year-old daughter and said, “Would you like to say the blessing?” “I wouldn’t know what to say,” the girl replied. “Just say what you hear mommy say,” the woman answered. The daughter bowed her head and said, “Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?” |
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| cricket55 | May 20, 2016, 5:21 pm Post #1003 |
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Why were the elephants asked to leave the public pull??? They kept dropping their trunks. |
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| Blackjack | May 21, 2016, 8:29 am Post #1004 |
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Kid logic. “Mary, why did you kick your brother in the stomach?!" “It was an accident, Mama. He turned around.” |
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| Blackjack | May 24, 2016, 3:45 pm Post #1005 |
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“Look at ME!!” boasted the fit old man, pounding a very flat and firm stomach, having just finished 100 situps before a group of young people. “Fit as a fiddle! And you want to know why? I don’t smoke, I don’t drink, I don’t stay up late, and I don’t chase after loose women!!” He smiled at them, teeth white, eyes aglitter, “And tomorrow — tomorrow, I’m going to celebrate my -90th- birthday!!” “Oh, really?” drawled one of the young onlookers, “How?” |
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