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Super-duper Joke Thread
Topic Started: February 21, 2014, 10:11 am (62,925 Views)
Blackjack

After giving it some thought I have decided to create the Super-duper Joke Thread where all of the jokes can be posted rather than opening a new thread every day. This way you all can add jokes of your own too. Let's go!

Emergency call.

There was a hysterical call at the fire department, and it went like this:
Caller: Help me, please help me; there is a cat meowing and yowling with frequency and urgency. It is going to hurt me, it's going to kill me; can you please help me, and send the fire squad right away?
Fire Department:Take it easy, cats don’t hurt us, just relax wait until he leaves.
Caller:You don’t understand it is going to bite me, it is going to kill me; it is going to be fatal!
Fire Department: Cats aren’t like snakes or spiders that are poisonous, by the way who is calling?
Caller: I’m Josephine’s parrot you jerk! Help me please, please help!


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Replies:
Blackjack

Roses are #FF0000,
Violets are #0000FF.
If you can read this,
You're a nerd 2
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Blackjack

Instead of "the John," I call my toilet "the Jim." That way it sounds better when I say I go to the Jim first thing every morning.
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Blackjack

Two old guys, Rodger and Chuck, met in the park every day to feed the pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems. One day Rodger didn't show up. Chuck didn't think much about it and figured maybe he had a cold or something. But after Rodger hadn't shown up for a week or so, Chuck really got worried. However, since the only time they ever got together was at the park Chuck didn't know where Rodger lived, so he was unable to find out what had happened to him. A month had passed, and Chuck figured he had seen the last of Rodger. But one day, Chuck approached the park and lo and behold there sat Rodger! Chuck was very excited and happy to see him and told him so. Then he said, "For crying out loud Rodger, what in the world happened to you?" Rodger replied, "I have been in jail." "Jail?" cried Chuck. "What in the world for?" "Well," Rodger said, "You know Judy, that cute little waitress at the coffee shop?" "Yeah," said Chuck, "I remember her. What about her?" "Well, one day she filed rape charges against me and, at 89 years old, I was so proud that when I got into court, I pleaded guilty. The Judge gave me 30 days for perjury."
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Blackjack

I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.
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Blackjack

Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young lady on his arm. A couple of days later the doctor spoke to Morris and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?"
Morris replied, "Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.' " The doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said, 'You got a heart murmur. Be careful
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Blackjack

"We used to play spin the bottle when I was a kid. A girl would spin the bottle and if it pointed to you when it stopped, the girl could either kiss you or give you a dime. By the time I was 14, I owned my own home."
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Blackjack

A man applied for a job as an industrial spy. Together with several other applicants, he was given a sealed envelope and told to take it to the fourth floor. As soon as the man was alone, he stepped into an empty hallway and opened the envelope. Inside, a message read: "You're our kind of person. Report to the fifth floor Personnel Office."
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cricket55
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Blackjack
April 9, 2016, 4:42 am
Have you heard the story of the magic sandwich?

Never mind, it's just a bunch of bologna.
:fish
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Blackjack

The grizzled old sea captain was quizzing a young, tyro naval student. "What steps would you take if a sudden storm came up on the starboard?" "I'd throw out an anchor, sir." "What would you do if another storm sprang up aft?" "I'd throw out another anchor, sir." "But what if a third storm sprang up forward?" "I'd throw out another anchor, captain." "Just a minute, son. Where in the world are you getting all these anchors?" "From the same place you're getting all your storms, sir."
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Blackjack

You have a degree in Diversity Studies from the university. What are the first words you say after graduation?

"You want fries with that?"
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Blackjack

In the "can't make this stuff up" category:

Students at Brown University recently complained that their course load interfered with their extra curricular "social justice" campaigning on campus.

Their parents must be so proud and happy to see that their money has been well spent.
Edited by Blackjack, April 24, 2016, 8:01 am.
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Blackjack

My friends favorite joke with waiters that don't pay attention to customers. He gets in the restaurant, he sits down, and as the waiter passes by he asks him: Would you like a drink?
No, I'm working!
Well, then ask me the same question....
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Blackjack

We spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.
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Blackjack

A brilliant young boy was applying for a job with the railroad. The interviewer asked him: "Do you know how to use the equipment?"
"Yes", the boy replied.
"Then what would you do if you realized that 2 trains, one from this station and one from the next were going to crash because they were on the same track?"
The young applicant thought and replied "I'd pull the lever to throw the switch points without hesitation."
"What if the lever was frozen and wouldn't work?"
"I'd run outside and throw the switch manually"
"And if that lever was broken?"
"I'd get on the phone to the next station and tell them to throw the switch," he replied.
"And if the phone was broken and needed an electrician to fix it?"
The boy thought about that one. "I'd run into town and get my uncle"
"Is your uncle an electrician?"
"No, but he's never seen a train wreck before!"
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cricket55
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What do you get when you cross a kangaroo with a snake????

A jump rope.
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