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Super-duper Joke Thread
Topic Started: February 21, 2014, 10:11 am (62,926 Views)
Blackjack

After giving it some thought I have decided to create the Super-duper Joke Thread where all of the jokes can be posted rather than opening a new thread every day. This way you all can add jokes of your own too. Let's go!

Emergency call.

There was a hysterical call at the fire department, and it went like this:
Caller: Help me, please help me; there is a cat meowing and yowling with frequency and urgency. It is going to hurt me, it's going to kill me; can you please help me, and send the fire squad right away?
Fire Department:Take it easy, cats don’t hurt us, just relax wait until he leaves.
Caller:You don’t understand it is going to bite me, it is going to kill me; it is going to be fatal!
Fire Department: Cats aren’t like snakes or spiders that are poisonous, by the way who is calling?
Caller: I’m Josephine’s parrot you jerk! Help me please, please help!


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Blackjack

An elementary school science teacher tells his class, "Oxygen is a must for breathing and life. It was discovered in 1773." A student responds, "Thank God I was born after 1773! Otherwise I would have died without it."
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Blackjack

When Magnesium and Oxygen started dating I was like, "O MG!"
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Blackjack

A woman was out golfing one day when she hit her ball into the woods. She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap. The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you 3 wishes." The woman freed the frog and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes-that whatever you wish for, your husbandwill get 10 times more or better!" The woman said, "That would be okay," and for her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world. The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis, that women will flock to." The woman replied, "That will be okay because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will only have eyes for me." So, KAZAM - she's the most beautiful woman in the world! For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world. The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world and he will be ten times richer than you." The woman said, "That will be okay because what is mine is his and what is his is mine." So, KAZAM she's the richest woman in the world! The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, I'd like a mild heart attack." Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them.
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Blackjack

My friend thinks he is smart. He told me an onion is the only food that makes you cry, so I threw a coconut at his head.
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Blackjack

"Do you believe in life after death?" the boss asked one of his employees. "Yes, sir," the clerk replied. "That's good," the boss said. "After you left early yesterday to go to your grandmother's funeral, she stopped in to see you."
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Blackjack

A young minister and an elderly parishoner were playing golf. The minister's game was off and the old man was beating him badly. At the end of the game, the old man tried to console his minister by saying, "don't worry, Reverend. One of these days you'll be burying me." "Yes," said the minister, "but even then, it will be your hole."
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Blackjack

A man goes to a Halloween party with a woman on his back.
The host asks him, "And what are you?"
The man says, "I'm a snail."
The host says, "And who's that on your back?"
And the man says, "That's Michelle!"
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M. Hawbaker
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:groan
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Blackjack

Wife – You hate my relatives!

Husband – No, I don’t! In fact, I like your mother-in-law more than I like mine.
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Blackjack

Q: Why did the witches' team lose the baseball game?

A: Their bats flew away.
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Blackjack

A father and son are out shopping for Christmas presents for their family. The son asks, "What present are my sister and I going to get?"
The dad answers, "I got you guys an iPad and iPod."
"Wow, thanks," the son replies, "What will you give mom?"
The dad says, "Your mom is getting an iRon."
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Blackjack

Two old friends crossed paths after not seeing one another for almost a decade. Bob: "What are you doing these days?"
Ralph: "PHD."
Bob: "Wow! You're a doctor!"
Ralph: "No, Pizza Home Delivery."
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cricket55
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What do you call a group of rabbits walking backwards???

A receding hare line.
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Blackjack

Music was better when ugly people were allowed to make it.
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Blackjack

Have you heard the story of the magic sandwich?

Never mind, it's just a bunch of bologna.
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