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Super-duper Joke Thread
Topic Started: February 21, 2014, 10:11 am (62,929 Views)
Blackjack

After giving it some thought I have decided to create the Super-duper Joke Thread where all of the jokes can be posted rather than opening a new thread every day. This way you all can add jokes of your own too. Let's go!

Emergency call.

There was a hysterical call at the fire department, and it went like this:
Caller: Help me, please help me; there is a cat meowing and yowling with frequency and urgency. It is going to hurt me, it's going to kill me; can you please help me, and send the fire squad right away?
Fire Department:Take it easy, cats don’t hurt us, just relax wait until he leaves.
Caller:You don’t understand it is going to bite me, it is going to kill me; it is going to be fatal!
Fire Department: Cats aren’t like snakes or spiders that are poisonous, by the way who is calling?
Caller: I’m Josephine’s parrot you jerk! Help me please, please help!


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cricket55
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What did the boy candy say to the girl candy??

We were Mint to be together.
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Blackjack

An efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution. "You don't want to try these techniques at home." "Why not?" asked somebody from the audience. "I watched my wife's routine at breakfast for years," the expert explained. "She made lots of trips between the refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets, often carrying a single item at a time. One day I told her, 'Hon, why don't you try carrying several things at once?'" "Did it save time?" the person in the audience asked. "Actually, yes," replied the expert. "It used to take her 20 minutes to make breakfast. Now I do it in seven."
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cricket55
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What did the envelope say to the stamp???

Stick with me and we will go places.
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M. Hawbaker
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What do you call a cowboy's clothes?

Ranch Dressing.
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Blackjack

One day a child at my four-year-old's preschool class told her classmates that she needed a 'damp towel.' Some of the other kids thought she said a naughty word and told on her. The teacher stepped in to explain, "If your mommy asked you to bring her a damp towel, what does she want?" A little girl blurted out, "She means she wants that towel right now!"
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M. Hawbaker
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:spit
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Blackjack

Noddy is 90 years old. He's played golf every day since his retirement 35 years ago. One day he arrives home looking downcast. "That's it," he tells his wife. "I'm giving up golf. My eyesight has become so bad that once I hit the ball I can't see where it went." His wife sympathises and makes him a cup of tea. As they sit down she says, "Why don't you take you old mate Milton, and give it one more try." "That's no good" sighs Noddy, "Milton's a hundred and three. He can't help." "He may be a hundred and three", says Noddy's wife, "but his eyesight is perfect." So the next day Noddy heads off to the golf course with Milton. He tees up, takes a mighty swing and squints down the fairway. He turns to Milton and says, "Did you see the ball?" "Of course I did!" replied Milton. "I have perfect eyesight". "Where did it go?" says Noddy. "I don't remember."
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Blackjack

A Mormon Family, one Monday evening, sat around the fire place and was discussing Church Finances, that included paying Tithing to the Bishop. Their little five year old boy heard this, than ran to his bedroom, grabbed his piggy bank, went to the Mormon Bishop's home and poured the contents of the piggy bank onto the Bishop's desk. The Bishop asked, "Is this your tithing?" the little boy said, "No Bishop." The Bishop than asked him, "Is this your Fast Offering?" The little boy again said, "No Bishop." The Mormon Bishop had a puzzled look about him, and than asked, "If this is not your tithing or not your Fast Offering, than What is it?" The little boy said, "It's for you, Bishop, Mommy and Daddy just told me that you are the poorest Bishop that we have had."
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M. Hawbaker
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:spit
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Blackjack

Why can't Cinderella get on the basketball team?

Because she keeps running away from the ball.
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Blackjack

Been there, done that, and I didn't even have to go to the jungle!



A man was fishing in the jungle. After a while another angler came to join him. "Have you had any bites?" asked the second man. "Yes, lots," replied the first one, "but they were all mosquitoes."
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Blackjack

My son asked me today, "Dad, what music did you like growing up?"
"Led Zeppelin," I replied.
"Who?" he said.
"Yeah, I liked them too."
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Blackjack

Joe, a college student, was taking a course in ornithology, the study of birds. The night before the biggest test of the semester, Joe spent all night studying. He had the textbook nearly memorized. He knew his class notes backward and forward. Joe was ready.The morning of the test, Joe entered the auditorium and took a seat in the front row. On the table in the front was a row of ten stuffed birds. Each bird had a sack covering its body, and only the legs were showing. When class started, the professor announced that the students were to identify each bird by looking at its legs and give its common name, species, habitat, mating habits, etc. Joe looked at each of the birds' legs. They all looked the same to him. He started to get angry. He had stayed up all night studying for this test and now he had to identify birds by their LEGS? The more he thought about the situation, the angrier he got.Finally he reached his boiling point. He stood up, marched up to the professor's desk, crumpled up his exam paper and threw it on the desk. "What a ridiculous test!" he told the prof. "How could anyone tell the difference between these birds by looking at their legs? This exam is the biggest rip-off I've ever seen!"With that, Joe turned and stormed toward the exit. The professor was a bit shocked, and it took him a moment to regain his composure. Then, just as Joe was about to walk out the door, the prof shouted out, "Wait a minute, young man, what's your name?"Joe turned around, pulled up his pant legs and hollered, "You tell me, prof! You tell me!"
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Blackjack

Dr. Epstein was a renowned physician who earned his undergraduate, graduate, and medical degrees in his home town and then left for Manhattan, where he quickly rose to the top of his field. Soon he was invited to deliver a significant paper, at a conference, coincidentally held in his home town. He walked on stage and placed his papers on the lectern, but they slid off onto the floor. As he bent over to retrieve them, at precisely the wrong instant, he inadvertently passed gas. The microphone amplified his mistake resoundingly through the room and it reverberated down the hall! He was quite embarrassed but somehow regained his composure just enough to deliver his paper. He ignored the resounding applause and raced out the stage door, never to be seen in his home town again. Decades later, when his elderly mother was ill, he returned to visit her. He reserved a hotel room under the name of Levy and arrived under cover of darkness. The desk clerk asked him, "Is this your first visit to our city, Mr. Levy?" Dr. Epstein replied, "Well, young man, no, it isn't. I grew up here and received my education here, but then I moved away." Why haven't you visited?" asked the desk clerk. Actually, I did visit once, many years ago, but an embarrassing thing happened and since then I've been too ashamed to return." The clerk consoled him. "Sir, while I don't have your life experience, one thing I have learned is that often what seems embarrassing to me isn't even remembered by others. I bet that's true of your incident too." Dr. Epstein replied, "Son, I doubt that's the case with my incident." "Was it a long time ago?" "Yes, many years." The clerk asked, "Was it before or after the Epstein Fart?"
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warrior-child
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Blackjack
February 13, 2016, 9:46 am
Noddy is 90 years old. He's played golf every day since his retirement 35 years ago. One day he arrives home looking downcast. "That's it," he tells his wife. "I'm giving up golf. My eyesight has become so bad that once I hit the ball I can't see where it went." His wife sympathises and makes him a cup of tea. As they sit down she says, "Why don't you take you old mate Milton, and give it one more try." "That's no good" sighs Noddy, "Milton's a hundred and three. He can't help." "He may be a hundred and three", says Noddy's wife, "but his eyesight is perfect." So the next day Noddy heads off to the golf course with Milton. He tees up, takes a mighty swing and squints down the fairway. He turns to Milton and says, "Did you see the ball?" "Of course I did!" replied Milton. "I have perfect eyesight". "Where did it go?" says Noddy. "I don't remember."
:hysterical
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