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| Super-duper Joke Thread | |
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| Tweet Topic Started: February 21, 2014, 10:11 am (62,930 Views) | |
| Blackjack | February 21, 2014, 10:11 am Post #1 |
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After giving it some thought I have decided to create the Super-duper Joke Thread where all of the jokes can be posted rather than opening a new thread every day. This way you all can add jokes of your own too. Let's go! Emergency call. There was a hysterical call at the fire department, and it went like this: Caller: Help me, please help me; there is a cat meowing and yowling with frequency and urgency. It is going to hurt me, it's going to kill me; can you please help me, and send the fire squad right away? Fire Department:Take it easy, cats don’t hurt us, just relax wait until he leaves. Caller:You don’t understand it is going to bite me, it is going to kill me; it is going to be fatal! Fire Department: Cats aren’t like snakes or spiders that are poisonous, by the way who is calling? Caller: I’m Josephine’s parrot you jerk! Help me please, please help! |
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| M. Hawbaker | January 28, 2016, 3:55 pm Post #901 |
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Apologies in advance for this one: Posted Image |
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| Blackjack | January 29, 2016, 3:27 pm Post #902 |
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My parents never taught me how to be humble or modest.. I'm just naturally incredible at it. |
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| Blackjack | January 30, 2016, 9:40 am Post #903 |
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My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God, and I didn't. |
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| Blackjack | January 31, 2016, 9:33 am Post #904 |
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A salesman is driving toward home in northern Ontario when he sees an Indian thumbing for a ride on the side of the road. As the trip had been long and quiet, he stops the car and the Indian gets in. After a bit of small talk, the Indian notices a brown bag on the front seat. "What's in bag?", the Indian asks the driver. The driver says, "It's a bottle of wine. I got it for my wife." The Indian is silent for a moment then says, "Good trade." |
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| Blackjack | February 2, 2016, 10:14 am Post #905 |
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Cultural Difference? Japanese Wisdom? An American, a Japanese and a Chinese went for a hike one day. It was very hot. They were sweating and exhausted. When they came upon a small lake, they took off all their clothes and jumped into the water since it was fairly secluded. Feeling refreshed, the trio decided to pick a few berries while enjoying their "freedom." As they were crossing an open area, suddenly a group of ladies from town appeared. Unable to get to their clothes in time, the American and the Chinese quickly used their hands to cover their privates. But the Japanese covered his face while they ran for cover. After the ladies had left and the men got their clothes back on, the American and the Chinese asked the Japanese why he covered his face rather than his private part. The Japanese replied, "I don't know about you, but in my country, it's the face that people recognize." |
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| M. Hawbaker | February 2, 2016, 10:43 am Post #906 |
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:spit :rofl |
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| Blackjack | February 3, 2016, 5:13 pm Post #907 |
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Things To Ponder A good time to keep your mouth shut is when you're in deep water. How come it takes so little time for a child who is afraid of the dark to become a teenager who wants to stay out all night? Business conventions are important because they demonstrate how many people a company can operate without. Why is it that at class reunions you feel younger than everyone else looks? Scratch a dog and you'll find a permanent job. No one has more driving ambition than the boy who wants to buy a car. There are no new sins....the old ones just get more publicity. There are worse things than getting a call for a wrong number at 4 AM. It could be a right number. Think about this..., No one ever says "It's only a game" when his team is winning. Money will buy a fine dog, but only kindness will make him wag his tail. The nicest thing about the future is that it always starts tomorrow. If you don't have a sense of humor, you probably don't have any sense at all. Seat belts are not as confining as wheelchairs. I've reached the age where the happy hour is a nap. Be careful reading the fine print. There's no way you're going to like it. The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same size bucket. Do you realize that in about 40 years, we'll have thousands of old ladies running around with tattoos? Money can't buy happiness -- but somehow it's more comfortable to cry in a Corvette than in a Yugo. After a certain age, if you don't wake up aching in every joint, you are probably dead. |
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| Blackjack | February 4, 2016, 7:47 am Post #908 |
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The wife and I were sitting around the breakfast table one lazy Sunday morning. I said to her, "If I were to die suddenly, I want you to immediately sell all my stuff." "Now why would you want me to do something like that?" she asked. "I figure that you would eventually remarry and I don't want some other idiot using my stuff." She looked at me and said: "What makes you think I'd marry another idiot?" |
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| Blackjack | February 5, 2016, 7:06 pm Post #909 |
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Why did the top bun and bottom bun of the Big Mac get in a fight? There was bad beef between them. |
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| cricket55 | February 5, 2016, 7:28 pm Post #910 |
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:groan |
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| cricket55 | February 5, 2016, 7:29 pm Post #911 |
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Have you heard about the movie called Constipation??? It has not come out yet. |
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| Blackjack | February 6, 2016, 9:17 am Post #912 |
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The seven-year-old told her mother that a little boy in her class asked her to play doctor. "Oh, dear," the mother nervously sighed. "What happened, honey?" "Nothing," said the little girl, "he made me wait 45 minutes and then double-billed the insurance company." |
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| Blackjack | February 7, 2016, 11:27 am Post #913 |
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Since it's presidential debate season... "Daddy," a little girl asked her father, "do all fairy tales begin with 'Once upon a time'? " "No, sweetheart," he answered. "Some begin with 'If I am elected. |
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| Blackjack | February 8, 2016, 8:01 am Post #914 |
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A terrific explosion occurs in a gunpowder factory, and once all the mess has been cleared up, an inquiry begins. One of the few survivors is pulled up to make a statement. "Okay Simpson," says the investigator, "you were near the scene - what happened?" "Well, it's like this. Old Charley was in the mixing room, and I saw him take a cigarette out of his pocket and light up." "He was smoking in the mixing room?" the investigator said in stunned horror, "How long had he been with the company?" "About 20 years, sir" "20 years in the company, then he goes and strikes a match in the mixing room, I'd have thought it would have been the last thing he'd have done." "It was, sir." |
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| Blackjack | February 9, 2016, 7:18 am Post #915 |
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Air traffic controller: "Flight 1234, for noise abatement turn right 45 degrees." Airline pilot: "But Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?" Air Traffic controller: "Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 737?" |
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6:37 PM Jul 10