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| Super-duper Joke Thread | |
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| Tweet Topic Started: February 21, 2014, 10:11 am (62,932 Views) | |
| Blackjack | February 21, 2014, 10:11 am Post #1 |
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After giving it some thought I have decided to create the Super-duper Joke Thread where all of the jokes can be posted rather than opening a new thread every day. This way you all can add jokes of your own too. Let's go! Emergency call. There was a hysterical call at the fire department, and it went like this: Caller: Help me, please help me; there is a cat meowing and yowling with frequency and urgency. It is going to hurt me, it's going to kill me; can you please help me, and send the fire squad right away? Fire Department:Take it easy, cats don’t hurt us, just relax wait until he leaves. Caller:You don’t understand it is going to bite me, it is going to kill me; it is going to be fatal! Fire Department: Cats aren’t like snakes or spiders that are poisonous, by the way who is calling? Caller: I’m Josephine’s parrot you jerk! Help me please, please help! |
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| Blackjack | January 2, 2016, 11:47 am Post #871 |
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Father O'Malley answers the phone. 'Hello, is this Father O'Malley?' 'It is!' 'This is the IRS Can you help us?' 'I can!' 'Do you know a Ted Houlihan?' 'I do!' 'Is he a member of your congregation?' 'He is!' 'Did he donate $10,000 to the church?' 'He will.' Edited by Blackjack, January 2, 2016, 11:51 am.
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| cricket55 | January 2, 2016, 6:40 pm Post #872 |
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:heh |
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| Blackjack | January 3, 2016, 12:37 pm Post #873 |
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Recently a teacher, a garbage collector, and a lawyer wound up together at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter informed them that in order to get into Heaven, they would each have to answer one question. St. Peter addressed the teacher and asked, "What was the name of the ship that crashed into the iceberg? They just made a movie about it." The teacher answered quickly, "That would be the Titanic." St. Peter let him through the gate. St. Peter turned to the garbage man and, figuring Heaven didn't *really* need all the odors that this guy would bring with him, decided to make the question a little harder: "How many people died on the ship?" Fortunately for him, the trash man had just seen the movie. "1,228," he answered. "That's right! You may enter." St. Peter turned to the lawyer. "Name them." |
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| cricket55 | January 4, 2016, 7:44 pm Post #874 |
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A guy was sitting at the bar and needed to go use the restroom, he did not really want anyone messing with his drink so he left a message saying he had spit in it. When he returned from using the restroom, someone had written he had spit in it also. |
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| Blackjack | January 6, 2016, 11:12 am Post #875 |
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Paula Poundstone says, "We need a 12-step group for compulsive talkers. They could call it 'On Anon Anon.' " |
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| Blackjack | January 7, 2016, 2:10 pm Post #876 |
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A young girl who was writing a paper for school came to her father and asked, "Dad, what is the difference between anger and exasperation?" The father replied, "It is mostly a matter of degree. Let me show you what I mean." With that the father went to the telephone and dialed a number at random. To the man who answered the phone, he said, "Hello, is Melvin there?" The man answered,"There is no one living here named Melvin. Why don't you learn to look up numbers before you dial". "See," said the father to his daughter. "That man was not a bit happy with our call. He was probably very busy with something and we annoyed him. Now watch..." The father dialed the number again. "Hello, is Melvin there?" asked the father. "Now look here!" came the heated reply. "You just called this number and I told you that there is no Melvin here! You've got lot of guts calling again!" The receiver slammed down hard. The father turned to his daughter and said,"You see, that was anger." The father dialed the same number three more times, with increasingly furious responses. Finally, he said,"Now I'll show you what exasperation means." He dialed the same number, and when a violent voice roared,"Hello!" The father calmly said, "Hello, this is Melvin. Have there been any calls for me?" |
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| Blackjack | January 8, 2016, 8:57 am Post #877 |
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A teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class. She came to the part of the story where first pig was trying to gather the building materials for his home. She read. 'And so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of straw and said: 'Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?' The teacher paused then asked the class: 'And what do you think the man said?' One little boy raised his hand and said very matter-of-factly... 'I think the man would have said - 'I'll be damned!! A talking pig!' The teacher had to leave the room. |
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| Blackjack | January 9, 2016, 10:00 am Post #878 |
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Astute Observations *The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in college was my blood alcohol content.* *I saw a very large woman wearing a sweatshirt with "Guess" on it. I said, "Left Tackle?"* *I don't do drugs. I find I get the same effect just by standing up really fast.* *I don't like political jokes. I've seen too many get elected.* *The most precious thing we have is life, yet it has absolutely no trade-in value.* *If life deals you lemons, make lemonade. If life deals you tomatoes, make Bloody Mary's.* *Shopping tip: You can get shoes for a buck at bowling alleys.* *Every day I beat my previous record of consecutive days I've stayed alive.* *No one ever says, "It's only a game!" when their team's winning.* *Ever notice that people who spend money on beer, cigarettes and lottery tickets are always complaining about being broke and not feeling well?* *Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?* *Marriage changes passion . . . suddenly you're in bed with a relative.* *Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?* *Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.* *Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants.* *I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose fitting clothing, I wouldn't need the class!* *Don't argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able to tell the difference.* *Wouldn't you know it! Brain cells come and brain cells go, but FAT cells live forever.* |
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| Blackjack | January 11, 2016, 7:23 am Post #879 |
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Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven. When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven: don't step on the ducks!" So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one. Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw. St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!" The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman. The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps. She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on ... very tall, long eyelashes, muscular, and thin. St. Peter chains them together without saying a word. The happy woman says, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?" The guy says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck!" |
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| M. Hawbaker | January 11, 2016, 5:58 pm Post #880 |
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Posted Image |
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| Blackjack | January 11, 2016, 6:45 pm Post #881 |
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The floor's still wet. :pound |
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| M. Hawbaker | January 12, 2016, 7:20 am Post #882 |
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Posted Image |
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| Blackjack | January 12, 2016, 10:54 am Post #883 |
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A man in the Florida supermarket tries to buy half a head of lettuce. The very young produce assistant tells him that they sell only whole heads of lettuce. The man persists and asks to see the manager. The boy says he'll ask his manager about it. Walking into the back room, the boy said to his manager, "Some idiot wants to buy half a head of lettuce." As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, "And this gentleman has kindly offered to buy the other half." The manager approved the deal, and the man went on his way. Later the manager said to the boy, "I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from, son?" "Canada, sir," the boy replied. "Well, why did you leave Canada?" the manager asked. The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing but mean women and hockey players up there." "Really?" said the manager. "My wife is from Canada." "No kidding?" replied the boy. "Who'd she play for?" |
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| Blackjack | January 13, 2016, 8:32 am Post #884 |
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I think this was here before. If so, sorry. It's still funny. Wife : 'Do you want dinner?' Husband: 'Sure! What are my choices?' Wife: 'Yes or no.' |
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| cricket55 | January 13, 2016, 8:03 pm Post #885 |
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:rofl |
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