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Super-duper Joke Thread
Topic Started: February 21, 2014, 10:11 am (62,933 Views)
Blackjack

After giving it some thought I have decided to create the Super-duper Joke Thread where all of the jokes can be posted rather than opening a new thread every day. This way you all can add jokes of your own too. Let's go!

Emergency call.

There was a hysterical call at the fire department, and it went like this:
Caller: Help me, please help me; there is a cat meowing and yowling with frequency and urgency. It is going to hurt me, it's going to kill me; can you please help me, and send the fire squad right away?
Fire Department:Take it easy, cats don’t hurt us, just relax wait until he leaves.
Caller:You don’t understand it is going to bite me, it is going to kill me; it is going to be fatal!
Fire Department: Cats aren’t like snakes or spiders that are poisonous, by the way who is calling?
Caller: I’m Josephine’s parrot you jerk! Help me please, please help!


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M. Hawbaker
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:groan
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Blackjack

The doorbell rang, and the lady of the house discovered a workman, complete with tool chest, on the front door. “Lady,” he announced, “I’m the piano tuner.” The lady exclaimed, “Why, I didn’t send for a piano tuner.” The man replied, “I know, but your neighbors did.”
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Blackjack

Grandpa was celebrating his 100th birthday and everybody complimented him on how athletic and well-preserved he appeared.
"Gentlemen, I will tell you the secret of my success," he cackled. "I have been in the open air day after day for some 75 years now."
The celebrants were impressed and asked how he managed to keep up his rigorous fitness regime.
"Well, you see my wife and I were married 75 years ago. On our wedding night, we made a solemn pledge. Whenever we had a fight, the one who was proved wrong would go outside and take a walk."
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Blackjack

I recently picked a new primary care doctor. After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing 'fairly well' for my age. (I just turned 65.) A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, 'Do you think I'll live to be 80?'

He asked, 'Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer or wine?'

'Oh no,' I replied.. 'I'm not doing drugs, either!'

Then he asked, 'Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs? 'I said, 'Not much... My former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!'

'Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?'

'No, I don't,' I said.

He asked, 'Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?'

'No,' I said.

He looked at me and said,... 'Then, why do you even care?'
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Blackjack

Wisdom according to Erma Bombeck (She was a really funny lady, rest in peace.)

Never be in a 
hurry to terminate a marriage. You 
may need this person to finish a sentence.
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Blackjack

The teacher said; “Take a pencil and paper, and write an essay with the title ‘If I Were a Millionaire.’” Everyone but Joe, who leaned back with arms folded, began to write feverishly. “What’s the matter,” the teacher asked. “Why don’t you begin?”
“I’m waiting for my secretary,” Joe replied.
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M. Hawbaker
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The Indians asked their Chief in Autumn if the Winter was going to be cold or not.

Not really knowing an answer, the chief replied that the Winter was going to be cold and that the members of the village were to collect wood to be prepared.

Being a good leader, he then went to the phone and called the National Weather Service and asked, "Is this winter to be cold?"

The man on the phone responded, "This Winter is going to be quite cold indeed."

So the Chief went back to speed up his people to collect even more wood to be prepared.

A week later he called the National Weather Service again, "Is it going to be a very cold winter?"

"Yes", the man replied, "it's going to be a very cold Winter."

So the Chief goes back to his people and orders them to go and find every scrap of wood they can find.

Two weeks later he calls the National Weather Service again:

"Are you absolutely sure that the Winter is going to be very cold?"

"Absolutely," the man replies, "the Indians are collecting fire wood like crazy!"

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Blackjack

Her class assignment was to interview an "old person" about his life, so my niece asked me, "What was the biggest historical event that happened during your childhood?"
"I’d have to say the moonwalk," I replied.
She looked disappointed. "That dance was so important to you?"
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Blackjack

So two guys walk into a building...you would think that one of them saw it!
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Blackjack

16 years old Peter goes to the priest: "Father, I came to confess!" "No need, I read your blog."
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Blackjack

According to a news story, if global warming continues, in 20 years the only chance we’ll have to see a polar bear is in a zoo. So in other words, nothing is going to change.
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Blackjack



A local charity had never received a donation from the town’s banker, so the director made a phone call.

“Our records show you make $500,000 a year, yet you haven’t given a penny to charity,” the director began. “Wouldn’t you like to help the community?”

The banker replied, “Did your research show that my mother is ill, with extremely expensive medical bills?”

“Um, no,” mumbled the director.

“Or that my brother is blind and unemployed? Or that my sister’s husband died, leaving her broke with four kids?”

“I … I … I had no idea.”

“So,” said the banker, “if I don’t give them any money, why would I give any to you?”
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M. Hawbaker
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Tonight the Mayor is dropping the ball in New York while Congress is dropping the ball in Washington.

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Blackjack

A waiter asks a man, "may I take your order, sir?" "Yes", the man replies. "I'm just wondering, exactly how do you prepare your chickens?" "Nothing special, sir. We just tell them straight out that they're going to die."
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Blackjack

Two blondes were going to Disneyland . They were driving on the Interstate when they saw the sign that said Disneyland LEFT. They started crying and turned around and went home.
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