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| Super-duper Joke Thread | |
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| Tweet Topic Started: February 21, 2014, 10:11 am (62,934 Views) | |
| Blackjack | February 21, 2014, 10:11 am Post #1 |
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After giving it some thought I have decided to create the Super-duper Joke Thread where all of the jokes can be posted rather than opening a new thread every day. This way you all can add jokes of your own too. Let's go! Emergency call. There was a hysterical call at the fire department, and it went like this: Caller: Help me, please help me; there is a cat meowing and yowling with frequency and urgency. It is going to hurt me, it's going to kill me; can you please help me, and send the fire squad right away? Fire Department:Take it easy, cats don’t hurt us, just relax wait until he leaves. Caller:You don’t understand it is going to bite me, it is going to kill me; it is going to be fatal! Fire Department: Cats aren’t like snakes or spiders that are poisonous, by the way who is calling? Caller: I’m Josephine’s parrot you jerk! Help me please, please help! |
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| Blackjack | December 6, 2015, 7:32 am Post #841 |
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We’d finally built our dream home, but the contractor had a concern: the placement of an atrium window for our walk-in shower. "I’m afraid your neighbors might have a good view of you au naturel," he said. My middle-aged wife put him at ease. "Don’t worry," she said. "They’ll only look once." |
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| Blackjack | December 7, 2015, 9:24 am Post #842 |
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I’m driving with this guy, and he runs right through a Stop sign. So I say, “Hey, that was a Stop sign.” And he says, “I drive like my brother!” A few blocks later, he plows right through a red light. I say, “You just ran a red light.” And he says, “I drive like my brother!” So now we’re coming up on a green light, and he slows down. I’m confused, so I say, “It’s green; why are you slowing down?” He says, “My brother might be coming.” |
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| Blackjack | December 8, 2015, 9:30 am Post #843 |
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Just proof that our world was very different from the one our kids live in. :freaked I was visiting a friend who could not find her cordless phone. After several minutes of searching, her young daughter said, “You know what they should invent? A phone that stays connected to its base so it never gets lost.” |
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| cricket55 | December 8, 2015, 9:00 pm Post #844 |
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:rofl |
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| Blackjack | December 9, 2015, 4:38 pm Post #845 |
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Hate cops? Next time you're in trouble call a crack head. |
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| Blackjack | December 10, 2015, 10:01 am Post #846 |
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So what if I can’t spell Armageddon? It’s not the end of the world. |
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| Blackjack | December 11, 2015, 6:42 am Post #847 |
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Teacher to a student: "Can you think of a solution to end unemployment?" "Yes, sir! I'd put all the men on one island and the women on another." "And what would they be doing then?" "Building boats!" |
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| Blackjack | December 12, 2015, 10:26 am Post #848 |
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If you throw a cat out a car window, does it become kitty litter? If you choke a Smurf, what color does it turn? If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented? Is it OK to use the AM radio after noon? What do chickens think we taste like? What do people in China call their good plates? What do you call a male ladybug? What hair color do they put on the driver's license of a bald man? When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it? When they first invented the clock, how did they know what time it was to set it? Which is the other side of the street? Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes? Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections? Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle? Why don't they call mustaches "mouthbrows"? Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them? Edited by Blackjack, December 12, 2015, 3:45 pm.
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| Blackjack | December 13, 2015, 1:00 pm Post #849 |
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It’s been raining so much in Los Angeles that the Chia Pet I threw in the garbage is now blocking my entire driveway. Jay Leno |
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| Blackjack | December 14, 2015, 12:19 pm Post #850 |
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I rear ended a car this morning... I knew it was going to be a REALLY bad day. The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF! He looked up at me and said, "I am NOT happy". I said, "Well, which one ARE you then?" That's when the fight started!!! |
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| Blackjack | December 15, 2015, 7:40 am Post #851 |
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Can you believe it? I found this wonderful tale on a joke site! It's too good to pass up. Back to the funny tomorrow. Woman and a Fork There was a young woman who had been diagnosed with a terminal illness and had been given three months to live. So as she was getting her things 'in order,' she contacted her Pastor to discuss certain aspects of her final wishes. She told him which songs she wanted sung at the service, what scriptures she would like read, and what outfit she wanted to be buried in. Everything was in order and the Pastor was preparing to leave when the young woman suddenly remembered something very important to her. 'There's one more thing,' she said excitedly. 'What's that?' came the Pastor's reply. 'I want to be buried with a fork in my right hand.' The Pastor stood looking at the young woman, not knowing quite what to say. That surprises you, doesn't it?' the young woman asked. I'm puzzled by the request,' said the Pastor. The young woman explained. 'My grandmother once told me this story, and from that time on I have always tried to pass along its message to those I love and those who are in need of encouragement. In all my years of attending socials and dinners, I always remember that when the dishes of the main course were being cleared, someone would inevitably lean over and say, 'Keep your fork.' It was my favorite part because I knew that something better was coming...like velvety chocol ate cake or deep-dish apple pie. Something wonderful, and with substance!' So, I just want people to see me there in that casket with a fork in my hand and I want them to wonder 'What's with the fork?' Then I want you to tell them: 'Keep your fork the best is yet to come.' The Pastor's eyes welled up with tears of joy as he hugged the young woman good-bye. He knew this would be one of the last times he would see her before her death. But he also knew that the young woman had a better grasp of heaven than he did. She had a better grasp of what heaven would be like than many people twice her age, with twice as much experience and knowledge. She KNEW that something better was coming. At the funeral people were walking by the young woman's casket andsaw the fork in her right hand. Over and over, the Pastor heard the question, 'What's with the fork?' And over and over he smiled. During his message, the Pastor told the people of the conversation he had with the young woman shortly before she died. He also told them about the fork and about what it symbolized to her. He told the people how he could not stop thinking about the fork and told them that they probably would not be able to stop thinking about it either. He was right. So the next time you reach down for your fork let it remind you, ever so gently, that the best is yet to come. |
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| Blackjack | December 16, 2015, 11:56 am Post #852 |
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Hey guys. If you think that women are the weaker sex, try pulling the blanket back to your side. |
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| cricket55 | December 17, 2015, 9:12 pm Post #853 |
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WHAT DO YOU CALL A SNOWMAN WITH A SIXPACK?? THE ABDOMINAL SNOWMAN. |
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| Blackjack | December 18, 2015, 9:00 am Post #854 |
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Her husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months yet she stayed by his bedside every single day. When he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he said, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business fell, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you gave me support. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. Well, now that I think about it, I think you bring me bad luck! |
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| Blackjack | December 19, 2015, 5:00 pm Post #855 |
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Being cremated is my last hope for a smoking hot body. |
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