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Super-duper Joke Thread
Topic Started: February 21, 2014, 10:11 am (62,935 Views)
Blackjack

After giving it some thought I have decided to create the Super-duper Joke Thread where all of the jokes can be posted rather than opening a new thread every day. This way you all can add jokes of your own too. Let's go!

Emergency call.

There was a hysterical call at the fire department, and it went like this:
Caller: Help me, please help me; there is a cat meowing and yowling with frequency and urgency. It is going to hurt me, it's going to kill me; can you please help me, and send the fire squad right away?
Fire Department:Take it easy, cats don’t hurt us, just relax wait until he leaves.
Caller:You don’t understand it is going to bite me, it is going to kill me; it is going to be fatal!
Fire Department: Cats aren’t like snakes or spiders that are poisonous, by the way who is calling?
Caller: I’m Josephine’s parrot you jerk! Help me please, please help!


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Blackjack


I have a phobia of elevators

I’m currently taking steps to avoid it
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cricket55
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Blackjack
November 26, 2015, 1:46 pm
I have a phobia of elevators

I’m currently taking steps to avoid it
:laugh
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M. Hawbaker
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:spit
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Blackjack



The teenager lost a contact lens while playing basketball in his driveway. After a brief, fruitless search, he gave up. His mother took up the cause and within minutes found the lens.

"How did you do that?" he asked.

"We weren’t looking for the same thing," she explained. "You were looking for a small piece of plastic. I was looking for $150."
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Blackjack

I dressed my dog up as a cat for Halloween. Now he won’t come when I call him.
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Blackjack

Spotted outside a church in Michigan: Honk if you love Jesus. Keep on texting while you drive if you want to meet Him.
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Blackjack

After Marcy's niece returned from 
her second tour in Iraq, Marcy remarked how beautiful her complexion looked. “What do you use on your face to keep it so smooth?” she asked.

“Nothing,” she said. “I’ve been sandblasted.”
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cricket55
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Never eat prunes when you are hungry.
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cricket55
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Never accept a drink from a urologist.
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Blackjack

Ah, marriage. I was standing in front of the bathroom mirror one evening admiring my reflection, when I posed this question to my wife of 30 years: “Will you still love me when I’m old, fat, and balding?”

She answered, “I do.”
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cricket55
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:sumo


:lol
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Blackjack

Before beginning the service, our pastor read aloud a note he’d been handed moments earlier. “It says here that I should announce that there will be no B.S. tomorrow morning,” he said. He tucked the piece of paper into a pocket and added, “I’m hoping they mean ‘Bible Study.’”
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M. Hawbaker
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In a small Southern town there was a "Nativity Scene" that showed great skill and talent had gone into creating it. One small feature bothered me. The three wise men were wearing firemen's helmets. Totally unable to come up with a reason or explanation, I left. At a "Quick Stop" on the edge of town, I asked the lady behind the counter about the helmets. She exploded into a rage, yelling at me, "You Yankees never do read the Bible!" I assured her that I did, but simply couldn't recall anything about firemen in the Bible. She jerked her Bible from behind the counter and ruffled through some pages, and finally jabbed her finger at a passage. Sticking it in my face she said, "See, it says right here, 'The three wise man came from afar.'"

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Blackjack

M. Hawbaker
December 4, 2015, 9:36 am
"The three wise man came from afar."

:pound
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Blackjack

Don’t knock the weather. If it didn’t change once in a while, nine tenths of the people couldn’t start a conversation.
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