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Super-duper Joke Thread
Topic Started: February 21, 2014, 10:11 am (62,936 Views)
Blackjack

After giving it some thought I have decided to create the Super-duper Joke Thread where all of the jokes can be posted rather than opening a new thread every day. This way you all can add jokes of your own too. Let's go!

Emergency call.

There was a hysterical call at the fire department, and it went like this:
Caller: Help me, please help me; there is a cat meowing and yowling with frequency and urgency. It is going to hurt me, it's going to kill me; can you please help me, and send the fire squad right away?
Fire Department:Take it easy, cats don’t hurt us, just relax wait until he leaves.
Caller:You don’t understand it is going to bite me, it is going to kill me; it is going to be fatal!
Fire Department: Cats aren’t like snakes or spiders that are poisonous, by the way who is calling?
Caller: I’m Josephine’s parrot you jerk! Help me please, please help!


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Blackjack

Getting away from their high-stress jobs, a couple spends relaxing weekends in their motor home. When they found their peace and quiet disturbed by well-meaning, but unwelcome, visits from other campers, they devised a plan to assure themselves some privacy. Now, when they set up camp, they place this sign on the door of their RV: “Insurance agent. Ask about our term-life package.”
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Blackjack

A man goes to see the Rabbi. 'Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it.'
The Rabbi asked, 'What's wrong?'
The man replied, 'My wife is poisoning me.'
The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, 'How can that be?'
The man then pleads, 'I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me, what should I do?'
The Rabbi then offers, 'Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know.' A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, 'Well, I spoke to your wife. I spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?'
The man said yes and the Rabbi replied,'Take the poison..'
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Blackjack

Dad & Dave saw an ad in the Daily Newspaper and bought a mule for $100. The farmer agreed to deliver the mule the next day. The next morning the farmer drove up and said, "Sorry, fellows, I have some bad news, the mule died last night.."
Dad & Dave replied, "Well, then just give us our money back."
The farmer said, "Can't do that. I went and spent it already."
They said, "OK then, just bring us the dead mule."
The farmer asked, "What in the world are you gonna do with a dead mule?"
Dad said, "We're gonna raffle him off."
The farmer said, "You can't raffle off a dead mule!"
Dad said, "We shore can! We don't hafta tell nobody he's dead!"
A couple of weeks later, the farmer ran into Dad & Dave at the local grocery store and asked. "What'd you fellers ever do with that dead mule?"
They said, "We raffled him off like we said we wuz gonna do." Dad said,"We sold 500 tickets fer two dollars apiece and made a profit of $898."
The farmer said, "My goodness, didn't anyone complain?"
Dave said, "Well, the feller who won got upset. So we gave him his two dollars back."

Dad & Dave now work for the government.
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Blackjack

Q: If a cowboy rides into town on Friday, and three days later, he leaves on Friday, how does he do it?.
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A: The horse's name is Friday.
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Blackjack

Pedro drives up to the border and is stopped by border patrol. "Name?" asks the customs officer gruffly,
"Pedro Hernandez senor."
"Sir, I'm going to have to search your vehicle for contraband.Do you have any objections."
"No senor."
The customs agent searches the truck from top to bottom but cant find anything. As Pedro drives away, the agent cant shake the feeling that something is wrong and he missed something. This repeats several times, each time Pedro's truck is searched, nothing is found, but the agent can't shake the feeling that something is being smuggled across the border. One day, Pedro drives up in a truck, the agent takes him aside, and says, " Listen up Pedro, I know you're taking something across the border."
"Me senor? No senor."
"Don't give me that Pedro, I know you're smuggling something, I don't know what it is, but tell you what, if you tell me what you're smuggling,you have my word, I'll let you off."
"Really senor?"
"Yes! I'm sick of this feeling in my gut, I just want to know!"
"Trucks ,senor."
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Blackjack

A woman who died found herself standing outside the Pearly Gates, being greeted by St. Peter. She asked him, "Oh, is this place what I really think it is? It's so beautiful. Did I really make it to heaven?"
To which St. Peter replied, "Yes, my dear, these are the Gates to Heaven. But you must do one more thing before you can enter."
The woman was very excited, and asked of St. Peter what she must do to pass through the gates. "Spell a word," St. Peter replied.
"What word?" she asked.
"Any word," answered St. Peter. "It's your choice."
The woman promptly replied, "Then the word I will spell is love.L-o-v-e." St. Peter congratulated her on her good fortune to have made it to Heaven, and asked her if she would mind taking his place at the gates for a few minutes while he went to the bathroom.
"I'd be honored," she said, "but what should I do if someone comes while you are gone?"
St. Peter reassured her, and instructed the woman to simply have any newcomers to the Pearly Gates to spell a word as she had done. So the woman is left sitting in St. Peter's chair and watching the beautiful angels soaring around her when a man approaches the gates. She realizes it is her loser husband.
"What happened?" she cried, "Why are you here?"
Her husband stared at her for a moment, then said, "I was so drunk when I left your funeral, I was in an accident. And now I am here? Did I really make it to Heaven?"
To which the woman replied, "Not yet. You must spell a word first."
"What word?" he asked. The woman responded, "Czechoslovakia."
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Blackjack

F16 vs. C-130
A C-130 was lumbering along when a ****y F-16 flashed by. The jet jockey decided to show off. The fighter jock told the C-130 pilot, 'watch this!' and promptly went into a barrel roll followed by a steep climb. He then finished with a sonic boom as he broke the sound barrier. The F-16 pilot asked the C-130 pilot what he thought of that?
The C-130 pilot said, 'That was impressive, but watch this!' The C-130 droned along for about 5 minutes and then the C-130 pilot came back on and said: 'What did you think of that?'
Puzzled, the F-16 pilot asked, 'What the heck did you do?'
The C-130 pilot chuckled. 'I stood up, stretched my legs, walked to the back, took a leak, then got a cup of coffee and a cinnamon roll.'

When you are young & foolish - speed & flash may seem a good thing !!!

When you get older & smarter - comfort & dull is not such a bad thing !!!

Us older folks understand this one.
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Blackjack

"My girlfriend and I are talking about getting married. She keeps asking me if I can support her, but she knows I can...she's always on my back."
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Blackjack

I had a 2nd reminder from the property tax office the other day saying that my taxes were overdue. I went to pay it right away, saying that I didn't remember getting a first reminder. "We don't send first reminders" said the clerk "the 2nd one's are more effective"
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Blackjack

A strained voice called out through the darkened theater, "Please, is there a doctor in the house?!" Several men stood up as the lights came on. An older lady pulled her daughter to stand next to her, "Good, are any of you doctors single and interested in a date with a nice, Jewish girl?"
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Blackjack

My mom has a lead foot, so I was not surprised when a state trooper pulled us over as we were driving through Georgia. Hoping to get off with a warning, Mom tried to appear shocked when he walked up to the car. "I have never been stopped like this before," she said to the officer. "What do they usually do, ma'am," he asked, "shoot the tires out?"
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cricket55
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WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU SIT IN THE SNOW TOO LONG???


POLAROIDS
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warrior-child
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cricket55
November 22, 2015, 7:49 pm
WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU SIT IN THE SNOW TOO LONG???


POLAROIDS
:hysterical
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Blackjack

The trouble with quotes on the internet is that you can never know if they are genuine.

Abraham Lincoln
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cricket55
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Where does a snowman keep his money??

A snowbank.
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