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| Super-duper Joke Thread | |
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| Tweet Topic Started: February 21, 2014, 10:11 am (62,939 Views) | |
| Blackjack | February 21, 2014, 10:11 am Post #1 |
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After giving it some thought I have decided to create the Super-duper Joke Thread where all of the jokes can be posted rather than opening a new thread every day. This way you all can add jokes of your own too. Let's go! Emergency call. There was a hysterical call at the fire department, and it went like this: Caller: Help me, please help me; there is a cat meowing and yowling with frequency and urgency. It is going to hurt me, it's going to kill me; can you please help me, and send the fire squad right away? Fire Department:Take it easy, cats don’t hurt us, just relax wait until he leaves. Caller:You don’t understand it is going to bite me, it is going to kill me; it is going to be fatal! Fire Department: Cats aren’t like snakes or spiders that are poisonous, by the way who is calling? Caller: I’m Josephine’s parrot you jerk! Help me please, please help! |
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| M. Hawbaker | September 20, 2015, 2:31 pm Post #766 |
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:lol |
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| Blackjack | September 21, 2015, 10:37 am Post #767 |
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I was visiting my son and daughter-in-law last night when I asked if I could borrow a newspaper. "This is the 21st century, old man," he said. "We don't waste money on newspapers. Here, you can borrow my iPad." I can tell you, that fly never knew what hit it ... |
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| Blackjack | September 22, 2015, 9:00 am Post #768 |
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At one point during a game, the coach called one of his 9-year-old baseball players aside and asked, 'Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?' The little boy nodded in the affirmative. 'Do you understand that what matters is whether we win or lose together as a team?' The little boy nodded yes. 'So,' the coach continued, 'I'm sure you know, when an out is called, you shouldn't argue, curse, attack the umpire, or call him a :censored . Do you understand all that?' The little boy nodded again. He continued, 'And when I take you out of the game so another boy gets a chance to play, it's not good sportsmanship to call your coach a :censored is it?' Again, the little boy nodded. 'Good,' said the coach. 'Now go over there and explain all that to your grandmother! EDIT TO ADD: The censored words really weren't that bad but I didn't want to chance offending somebody. Cheers! Edited by Blackjack, September 22, 2015, 9:06 am.
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| Blackjack | September 23, 2015, 12:25 pm Post #769 |
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One for Barb. As a realtor, I deal with all types of people. Recently, I showed a home to a couple who seemed eager to check out the fantastic view from the living room. But when I dramatically pulled back the drapes, the disappointed husband asked, "Where is the view? Those mountains must be blocking it." |
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| Blackjack | September 24, 2015, 9:58 am Post #770 |
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An older man strode in to his doctors office and said, "Doc, my druggist said to tell you to change my prescription and to check the prescription you've been giving to Mrs. Smith." "Oh, he did, did he?" the doctor shot back. "And since when does a druggist second guess a doctor's orders?" The old man says, "Since he found out I've been on birth control pills since December." |
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| M. Hawbaker | September 24, 2015, 11:46 am Post #771 |
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:rofl |
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| Blackjack | September 26, 2015, 11:11 am Post #772 |
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A new bride was a bit embarrassed to be known as a honeymooner. So when she and her husband pulled up to the hotel, she asked him if there was any way that they could make it appear that they had been married a long time. He responded, "Sure. You carry the suitcases!" |
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| Blackjack | September 27, 2015, 8:43 am Post #773 |
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Boss: Who said that just because I tried to kiss you at last month's Christmas party, you could neglect to do your work around here? Secretary: My lawyer. |
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| Blackjack | September 28, 2015, 8:15 am Post #774 |
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An aged farmer and his wife were leaning against the edge of their pig-pen when the old woman wistfully recalled that the next week would mark their golden wedding anniversary. "Let's have a party, Homer," she suggested. "Let's kill a pig." The farmer scratched his grizzled head. "Gee, Ethel," he finally answered, "I don't see why the pig should take the blame for something that happened fifty years ago." |
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| Blackjack | September 29, 2015, 7:56 am Post #775 |
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After eight years in college, there is one Aggie student who still can't seem to get himself graduated. He got in five years on a football scholarship, and everyone likes him, but he just can't seem to make it through his classes. The professors and the board of regents at the school are beginning to be anxious about the possible damage to the school's reputation, and decide that graduate or not, Jethro has got to go. They are worried that the general public is going to hear about this student hasn't graduated after eight years. After conferring with each other, they give him the news: "Jethro, we've decided that this is going to be your last semester at A&M. So we're going to give you a test at graduation time. We're going to ask you just one question, and if you answer it correctly, you graduate. If you answer it incorrectly, you don't graduate. But either way, this is your last semester and it's time to leave the school." So graduation rolls around, and Jethro is the very last person to step up, because he still has to take the test. Everyone at school knows about it and each person in the audience holds his breath as the university president asks Jethro the Test Question. "Jethro, what's four plus three?" Jethro thinks hard for a moment, and then hesitantly answers, "Seven?" There is a brief moment of silence, and then another Aggie calls out from the audience: "Aw, gee, give him another chance!" |
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| Blackjack | September 30, 2015, 2:39 pm Post #776 |
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At an entrance: Woman: Did you open the door for me because I am a lady? Man: No, I did because I am a gentleman. |
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| Blackjack | October 1, 2015, 11:59 am Post #777 |
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I went to the bar the other night and told the 'keep, "A glass of your finest Less, please." 'Less'? Never heard of it," he said. "C'mon, sure you have." No, really, we don't stock it. What is it? Some kind of foreign beer?" "I'm not sure," I replied. "It was my doctor who mentioned it. He said I should 'drink Less.'" |
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| Blackjack | October 2, 2015, 7:49 am Post #778 |
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Lem and Ephus were in Three Dollar Dewey's having a few beers and getting caught up on the latest town gossip when Ephus looks across the room and says, "Lem, would you look at those two crotchety old buzzards over there. Suckin' down beers like there's no tomorrow." Lem answers, "Ayuh. Don't have half a brain between the two of them. We'll probably be like that in about 20 years." A few minutes go by and Ephus looks over again, "Hey! Wait a minute. That's a mirror. That is us!" |
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| cricket55 | October 3, 2015, 6:03 pm Post #779 |
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:lol |
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| Blackjack | October 4, 2015, 9:04 am Post #780 |
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Little Johnny was not paying attention in class so the math teacher called on him and said, “Johnny! What are 5, 2, 28 and 40?” Little Johnny quickly replied, “NBC, CBS, HBO, and Cartoon Network!” |
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