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| Super-duper Joke Thread | |
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| Tweet Topic Started: February 21, 2014, 10:11 am (62,942 Views) | |
| Blackjack | February 21, 2014, 10:11 am Post #1 |
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After giving it some thought I have decided to create the Super-duper Joke Thread where all of the jokes can be posted rather than opening a new thread every day. This way you all can add jokes of your own too. Let's go! Emergency call. There was a hysterical call at the fire department, and it went like this: Caller: Help me, please help me; there is a cat meowing and yowling with frequency and urgency. It is going to hurt me, it's going to kill me; can you please help me, and send the fire squad right away? Fire Department:Take it easy, cats don’t hurt us, just relax wait until he leaves. Caller:You don’t understand it is going to bite me, it is going to kill me; it is going to be fatal! Fire Department: Cats aren’t like snakes or spiders that are poisonous, by the way who is calling? Caller: I’m Josephine’s parrot you jerk! Help me please, please help! |
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| Blackjack | August 10, 2015, 7:08 am Post #721 |
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Little Johnny comes downstairs crying. His mother asked, “What’s the matter now?” “Dad was hanging pictures, and just hit his thumb with hammer,” said little Johnny through his tears. “That’s not so serious,” soothed his mother. “I know you are upset, but a big boy like you shouldn’t cry at something like that. Why didn’t you just laugh? “I did!” sobbed Johnny. |
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| Blackjack | August 11, 2015, 11:19 am Post #722 |
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Mom and Dad were trying to console Susie whose dog, Skipper, had recently died. "You know," Mom said, "it's not so bad. Skipper's probably up in Heaven right now, having a grand old time with God." Susie stopped crying and asked, "What would God want with a dead dog?" |
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| Blackjack | August 12, 2015, 5:05 am Post #723 |
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A farmer and his wife had just awakened one morning to the crowing of their rooster. While still in bed, the farmer's wife says, "Pa, you know our neighbor Mr. Jones?" "Yes Ma, I reckon I do," replied the sleepy farmer. "Well, every morning before he leaves the house for work, he gives his wife a big ol' kiss. Why don't you ever do that?" The farmer sighed and said, "Well, I reckon I can, but I just don't know her very well." |
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| Blackjack | August 12, 2015, 12:39 pm Post #724 |
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During basic army training, a sergeant was telling his group how a submachine gun sprayed bullets. He drew a circle on a blackboard and announced that it had 260 degree. “But, sergeant, all circles have 360 degrees,” called out a conscript. “Don’t be stupid,” the sergeant roared. “This is a small circle.” This reminds me of when I was a Fort Sill. One of the sergeants was explaining the torque (pronounced TORK) wrench which he pronounced as TORG. Before anybody could correct him he said that he was aware that everybody else pronounces it as TORK but he pronounces it as TORG and, dammit, the first person who said TORK was going to do pushups! You could have heard a pin drop after that. True story! :pound Edited by Blackjack, August 12, 2015, 12:44 pm.
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| Blackjack | August 13, 2015, 11:57 am Post #725 |
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A man comes home and sees a note on the refrigerator from his wife. She wrote, "This isn't working. I'm at my mother's." The man opens the fridge, the light turns on, and he says to himself, "What the heck? The fridge is working fine!" |
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| Blackjack | August 14, 2015, 12:21 pm Post #726 |
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A man went skydiving for the first time. After listening to the instructor for what seemed like days, he was ready to go. Excited, he jumped out of the airplane. About five seconds later, he pulled the ripcord. Nothing happened. He tried again. Still nothing. He started to panic, but remembered his back-up chute. He pulled that cord. Nothing happened. He frantically began yanking both cords to no avail. Suddenly he looked down, and he couldn't believe his eyes. Another man was in the air with him, but this guy was going up! Just as the other guy passed by, the skydiver yelled, "Hey, do you know anything about skydiving?" The other guy yelled back, "No! Do you know anything about gas stoves?" |
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| Blackjack | August 15, 2015, 11:07 am Post #727 |
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Scientific Philosophies When a cat is dropped, it always lands on its feet, and when toast is dropped, it always lands with the buttered side facing down. I propose to strap buttered toast to the back of a cat; the two will hover, spinning inches above the ground. With a giant buttered cat array, a high-speed monorail could easily link New York with Chicago. Why Yawning Is Contagious: You yawn to equalize the pressure on your eardrums. This pressure change outside your eardrums unbalances other people's ear pressures, so they must yawn to even it out. The earth may spin faster on its axis due to deforestation. Just as a figure skater's rate of spin increases when the arms are brought in close to the body, the cutting of tall trees may cause our planet to spin dangerously fast. The reason hot-rod owners raise the backs of their cars is that it's easier to go faster when you're always going downhill. The quantity of consonants in the English language is constant. If omitted in one place, they turn up in another. When a Bostonian "pahks" his "cah," the lost r's migrate southwest, causing a Texan to "warsh" his car and invest in "erl wells." |
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| Blackjack | August 16, 2015, 11:39 am Post #728 |
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The teacher said; “Take a pencil and paper, and write an essay with the title ‘If I Were a Millionaire.’” Everyone but Joe, who leaned back with arms folded, began to write feverishly. “What’s the matter,” the teacher asked. “Why don’t you begin?” “I’m waiting for my secretary,” Joe replied. |
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| Blackjack | August 17, 2015, 12:59 pm Post #729 |
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A woman went to a therapist to understand why she and her husband were fighting all the time. "I'm scared whenever he screams at me." "Has he ever hit you?" "No not but it's only a matter of time." "Okay I think I know how we can mitigate this. Whenever you two get into an argument, drink a half glass of water and swirl some in your mouth during the argument." "Wha..what?" "Just do it." Two weeks later, the lady came back to the therapist's office for a follow up. "I see you're beaming, I guess things turned out well?" "Oh yes, you could not imagine how much he changed. Our relationship is stronger than its ever been, how did you make this happen?" "Your mouth was kept shut whilst you were swirling the water." :bolt |
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| M. Hawbaker | August 17, 2015, 3:22 pm Post #730 |
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:spit :pound :rofl |
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| Blackjack | August 18, 2015, 9:18 am Post #731 |
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Two shoe salespeople were sent to Africa to open up new markets. Three days after arriving, one salesperson called the office and said, "I'm returning on the next flight. Can't sell shoes here. Everybody goes barefoot." At the same time the other salesperson sent an email to the factory, telling "The prospects are unlimited. Nobody wears shoes here!" |
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| Blackjack | August 19, 2015, 8:35 am Post #732 |
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An elderly gentleman... Had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100% The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again." The gentleman replied, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!" |
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| cricket55 | August 19, 2015, 8:24 pm Post #733 |
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HOW IS AN ORANGE TICKLED?? IN THE NAVAL. |
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| Blackjack | August 20, 2015, 7:50 am Post #734 |
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On New Year's Eve, Daniel was in no shape to drive, so he sensibly left his van in the parking lot and walked home. As he was wobbling along, he was stopped by a policeman. 'What are you doing out here at four o'clock in the morning?' asked the police officer. 'I'm on my way to a lecture,' answered Roger. 'And who on earth, in their right mind, is going to give a lecture at this time on New Year's Eve?' asked the cop sarcastically. 'My wife,' slurred Daniel grimly. |
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| Blackjack | August 21, 2015, 6:58 am Post #735 |
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A tough old cowboy once counseled his grandson that if he wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a little gunpowder on his oatmeal every morning. The grandson did this religiously and he lived to the age of 93. When he died, he left 14 children, 28 grandchildren, 35 great grandchildren and a fifteen foot hole in the wall of the crematorium. |
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