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Super-duper Joke Thread
Topic Started: February 21, 2014, 10:11 am (62,943 Views)
Blackjack

After giving it some thought I have decided to create the Super-duper Joke Thread where all of the jokes can be posted rather than opening a new thread every day. This way you all can add jokes of your own too. Let's go!

Emergency call.

There was a hysterical call at the fire department, and it went like this:
Caller: Help me, please help me; there is a cat meowing and yowling with frequency and urgency. It is going to hurt me, it's going to kill me; can you please help me, and send the fire squad right away?
Fire Department:Take it easy, cats don’t hurt us, just relax wait until he leaves.
Caller:You don’t understand it is going to bite me, it is going to kill me; it is going to be fatal!
Fire Department: Cats aren’t like snakes or spiders that are poisonous, by the way who is calling?
Caller: I’m Josephine’s parrot you jerk! Help me please, please help!


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Blackjack

A minister waited in line to have his car filled with gas just before a long holiday weekend. The attendant worked quickly, but there were many cars ahead of him in front of the service station. Finally, the attendant motioned him toward a vacant pump. "Reverend," said the young man, "Sorry about the delay. It seems as if everyone waits until the last minute to get ready for a long trip." The minister chuckled, "I know what you mean. It's the same in my business."
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Blackjack

A man had been crossing a street when a car slammed into him. The pedestrian sued the motorist, whose lawyer made the following statement at the end of the trial. “Your honor, my client was not at fault. He has been driving a car for thirty years, and has never had an accident, nor gotten so much as a speeding ticket. I do not think I need to say any more.”

Unimpressed, the lawyer for the plaintiff rose. “Your honor, since counsel insists on bringing up the matter of experience, may I remind the court that my client has been walking for over seventy years…”
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Blackjack

Lem and Ephus, two down east Mainers, were in the middle of their vacation at Wells Beach, waist deep in the water, when suddenly...

"OOH-AAAH! One of them shahks just bit my leg off, Ephus!"

"Oh no! Which one?"

"I don't know! All-a them shahks look alike to me."

For the record Wells Beach is pretty nice!




Edited by Blackjack, July 30, 2015, 7:30 am.
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Blackjack

Why, Why, Why
Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting dead?
Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there is not enough money?
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
Why doesn't glue stick to the bottle?
Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?
Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lisp"?
If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?
Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?
Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?
Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?
Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?
Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?
How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?
When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, "It's all right?" Well, it isn't all right, so why don't we say, "That hurt, you stupid idiot?" Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?
In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat? How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?

The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends -- if they're okay, then it's you.
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Blackjack

Finally - - An answer I can Understand.

A visiting tourist asks an diving instructor: "Why do Scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?" To which he replies: "If they fell forwards, they'd still be in the boat."
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Blackjack

A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party. Their conversation was constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice. After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asked the lawyer, "What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you're out of the office?" "I give it to them," replied the lawyer, "and then I send them a bill." The doctor was shocked, but agreed to give it a try. The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepared the bills. When he went to place them in his mailbox, he found a bill from the lawyer.
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Blackjack

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
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cricket55
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She walked up and tied her old mule to the hitching post.
As she stood there, brushing some of the dust from her face and clothes. A young gunslinger stepped out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and bottle of whiskey in the other.
The young gunslinger looked at the old woman and laughed. "Hey old woman, have you ever danced.?"

The old woman looked up at the gunslinger and said, "No, I never did. Dance....never really wanted to."

A crowd had gathered as the gunslinger grinned and said , "Well, you old bag your're gonna dance now." and started shooting at the old woman's feet.

The old woman prospector- not wanting to get her toe blown off - started hopping around. Everybody was laughing. When his last buullet had been fired, the young gunslinger, still laughing, holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon.

The old woman turned to her pack mule, pulled out a double-barreled shotgun, and ****ed both hammers. The loud clicks carried clearly through the desert air. The crowd stopped laughing immediately.

The young gunslinger heard the sounds, too, and he turned around very slowly. The silence was almost deafening. The crowd watched as the young gunslinger stared at the old woman and the large gaping holes in those twin barrels. The barrels of the shotgun never wavered in the old woman's hands. As she quietly said, "Son, have you ever kissed a mule's butt?"

The gunslinger swallowed hard and said, "No m'am...but...I've always wanted to."

Lessons Learned For all of Us:
Never be arrogant.
Don't waste ammunition.
Whiskey makes you think your smarter than what you are.
Always, always make sure you know who has the power.
Don't mess with old women; they did not get old by being stupid.


Just love a story that has a happy ending, don't you?

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Blackjack

Quote:
 
Don't mess with old women; they did not get old by being stupid.

Ain't that the truth!



A kindergarten teacher handed out a coloring page to her class. On it was a picture of a duck holding an umbrella. The teacher told her class to color the duck in yellow and the umbrella green, however, Bobby, the class rebel, colored the duck in a bright fire truck red. After seeing this, the teacher asked him: "Bobby, how many times have you see a red duck?" Young Bobby replied with "The same number of times I've seen a duck holding an umbrella."
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cricket55
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Why did the scaregrow get a promotion??
Because he was outstanding in his fiedl.

What do you call a deer with no eyes??
No Idea--r!!!

Two antennas meant of the roof, fell inlove and got married.
The ceremony was not much but the reception was great.
Edited by cricket55, August 4, 2015, 4:19 pm.
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Blackjack

A schoolteacher was taking her first golfing lesson. "Is the word spelled p-u-t or p-u-t-t?" she asked the instructor. "P-u-t-t is correct," he replied. "Put means to place a thing where you want it. Putt means merely a vain attempt to do the same thing."
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Blackjack

In a saloon in the old West, a large crowd of cowboys was drinking and carousing with the dance hall girls. In walked a greenhorn Easterner, a dry goods supplier from New York. He sat down at the bar and ordered a beer. Just then a boy ran in from outside through the swinging doors, completely out of breath. The crowd stopped what they were doing and stared at him. “Big John’s in town,” the boy said, gasping. In less than a minute, the entire crowd, except for the greenhorn, tumbling over one another, rushed out, including the bartender and everyone else who worked at the saloon, leaving the place completely empty and in disarray. The greenhorn realized that he should probably go, too. So he quickly downed the remainder of his beer, grabbed ahold of his sample case and started for the door. Unfortunately, before he could reach it, another cowboy walked in, blocking his way. The man was huge, almost seven feet tall and muscular, with a face that was menacing, rugged and scarred. Hanging from his belt were two large six-shooters that had obviously seen plenty of action. The Easterner, frozen in fear, stood glued to the spot, unable to speak. The huge man, towering over him, then glared at the greenhorn and said in a, deep, gravelly voice, “You drink with me.” The greenhorn saw this as an order, not an invitation. So he walked over with the man, his heart pounding, fearing for his life, then sat down at the bar next to the cowboy, who then proceeded to pour each of them a whiskey. The massive cowpoke quickly downed his drink, wiped his face with his sleeve then stood up and started walking towards the door. “Can’t stay,” he said, “ Big John’s in town.”
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Blackjack

Not a joke today but a personal observation. Don't beat me up, Kevin Costner!


Did you ever notice that the start of Dances With Wolves is a rip off of the old TV series, F-Troop?

"The end of the Civil War was near..." True of both.

"When quite accidentally a hero who sneezed abruptly seized retreat and turned it to victory." Dances with Wolves was very similar. Lt. Dumbar rode in front of the confederates daring them to shoot. A suicide attempt, which distracted them to the point where the Union troops were able to attack and overcome them.

"His Medal of Honor...." The hero in both was decorated.

And both were posted to the Frontier!


Like King Solomon wrote, "The thing that hath been, it is that which shall be; and that which is done is that which shall be done: and there is no new thing under the sun."

Ayuh! :pound

Edit to add: After posting I decided to search the net to see if anybody else came to the same conclusion. Lots of people noticed it too! :hysterical
Edited by Blackjack, August 7, 2015, 10:44 am.
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Blackjack

I feel it is my duty to warn everyone of a major problem, one that endangers lives, damages property and causes untold misery, a growing menace that can be summed up in three words: Men Doing Laundry. At first glance, MDL may not seem like a big problem, especially to members of the female species, who generally prefer MDL to WDL. But the evidence is overwhelming. MDL has resulted in millions of discolored clothes, billions of missing socks, and countless broken relationships. Wife: "Did you remember to separate the clothes before washing them?" Husband: "Yes, of course I did. I put the whites at the bottom and the colors on top." Wife: "You idiot, you were supposed to wash them separately. You obviously don't know what separation means, but trust me, you're about to find out!"


Comment: Well hardy-har! You know what's wrong with this? I have dozens of pairs of briefs that are either pink or pastel blue. I'm NOT the one who washed them! Neither am I the one who managed to give a pair of jeans white leopard spots. That's because somebody's mama taught him right. :lol
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Blackjack

A man is trying to catch the bus. He's running and every time he almost makes it he stumbles and falls. The crowd on the bus is laughing their butts off. A lady opens a window and tells the man, "Please stop it, we will wet our pants," to which the man replies, "That's nothing, soon you will do more than wet your pants because I'm the bus driver!"
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