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| Super-duper Joke Thread | |
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| Tweet Topic Started: February 21, 2014, 10:11 am (62,944 Views) | |
| Blackjack | February 21, 2014, 10:11 am Post #1 |
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After giving it some thought I have decided to create the Super-duper Joke Thread where all of the jokes can be posted rather than opening a new thread every day. This way you all can add jokes of your own too. Let's go! Emergency call. There was a hysterical call at the fire department, and it went like this: Caller: Help me, please help me; there is a cat meowing and yowling with frequency and urgency. It is going to hurt me, it's going to kill me; can you please help me, and send the fire squad right away? Fire Department:Take it easy, cats don’t hurt us, just relax wait until he leaves. Caller:You don’t understand it is going to bite me, it is going to kill me; it is going to be fatal! Fire Department: Cats aren’t like snakes or spiders that are poisonous, by the way who is calling? Caller: I’m Josephine’s parrot you jerk! Help me please, please help! |
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| Blackjack | July 18, 2015, 10:04 am Post #691 |
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I was testing children in my Sunday school class to see if they understood the concept of getting to heaven. I asked them, 'If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into heaven?' 'NO!' the children answered. 'If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the garden, and kept everything tidy, would that get me into heaven?' Again, the answer was 'NO!' By now I was starting to smile. 'Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave sweets to all the children, and loved my husband, would that get me into heaven?' Again, they all answered 'NO!'. I was just bursting with pride for them. I continued, 'Then how can I get into heaven?' A six year-old boy shouted out: "YOU GOTTA BE DEAD...." |
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| cricket55 | July 18, 2015, 6:27 pm Post #692 |
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:lol |
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| Blackjack | July 19, 2015, 7:44 am Post #693 |
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An 85-year-old widow went on a blind date with a 90-year-old man. When she returned to her daughter's house later that night, she seemed upset. "What happened, Mother?" the daughter asked. "I had to slap his face three times!" "You mean he got fresh?" "No," she answered. "I thought he was dead!" |
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| Blackjack | July 20, 2015, 8:32 am Post #694 |
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Immediately following this joke is a true story. A woman went to the doctor's office and was seen by one of the new young doctors. After about four minutes in the examination room, she started screaming and ran down the hall. An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was, and she told him her story. After listening, he told her to sit down and relax in another room. The older doctor marched down the hallway to the back where the first doctor was and demanded, "What's the matter with you? Mrs. Terry is 63 years old, she has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?" The new doctor continued to write on his clipboard and, without looking up, said, "Does she still have the hiccups?" Now for the story. One night DW and I were in bed and she had the hiccups real bad. It got to the point that after each hiccup she would whimper and cry. I had her try every trick I could think of (these usually work) like holding her breath, taking a spoonful of sugar or sipping water upside down. Nothing worked. Finally I went silent and just let her lay there in misery. After a few minutes I let loose with a blood curdling scream! Now she is really crying hysterically and pounding at me with closed fists. "Why did you do that!?" Just like the joke I asked, "Do you still have the hiccups?" THAT worked! |
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| Blackjack | July 21, 2015, 8:52 am Post #695 |
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One of Microsoft's finest technicians was drafted and sent to boot camp. At the rifle range, he was given some instruction, a rifle, and bullets. He fired several shots at the target. The report came from the target area that all attempts had completely missed the target. The technician looked at his rifle, and then at the target. He looked at the rifle again, and then at the target again. He put his finger over the end of the rifle barrel and squeezed the trigger with his other hand. The end of his finger was blown off, whereupon he yelled toward the target area, "It's leaving here just fine, the trouble must be at your end!" |
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| M. Hawbaker | July 21, 2015, 10:19 am Post #696 |
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:spit |
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| Blackjack | July 22, 2015, 6:01 am Post #697 |
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I hope this one isn't too risque. According to my mother, she and Dad decided to start a family soon after he became an officer in the Air Force. When months went by without success, they consulted the base physician, who chose to examine Mom right then and there. "Please disrobe," he told her. "With him in the room??" she yelled, pointing to my father. Turning to Dad, the doctor said, "Captain, I think I found the problem." |
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| Blackjack | July 23, 2015, 6:45 am Post #698 |
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Martin had just received his brand new driver's license. The family troops out to the driveway, and climbs in the car, where he is going to take them for a ride for the first time. Dad immediately heads for the back seat, directly behind the newly minted driver. "I'll bet you're back there to get a change of scenery after all those months of sitting in the front passenger seat teaching me how to drive," says the beaming boy to his father. "Nope," comes dad's reply, "I'm gonna sit here and kick the back of your seat as you drive, just like you've been doing to me all these years." |
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| Blackjack | July 24, 2015, 10:41 am Post #699 |
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The world's first fully computerized airliner was ready for its maiden flight without pilots or crew. The plane taxied to the loading area automatically, its doors opened automatically, the steps came out automatically. The passengers boarded the plane and took their seats. The steps retreated automatically, the doors closed, and the airplane taxied toward the runway. "Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen," a computer voice intoned. "Welcome to the debut of the world's first fully computerized airliner. Everything on this aircraft is run electronically. Just sit back and relax. Nothing can go wrong ... Nothing can go wrong...nothing can go wrong...." |
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| cricket55 | July 24, 2015, 1:44 pm Post #700 |
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:lol |
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| M. Hawbaker | July 24, 2015, 8:29 pm Post #701 |
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:rofl |
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| Blackjack | July 25, 2015, 5:34 am Post #702 |
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For today a bunch of corny jokes to tell to your kids! What do you call a pig that does karate? A pork chop. What did the ghost say to the wall? Hey, sorry just passing thru. How do you communicate with a fish? Drop him a line! What did one wall say to the other? Meet you at the corner. What do you call a bear without an ear? B. What do you call a boomerang that doesn’t come back? A stick. What’s worse than having a worm in your apple? Taking a bite and finding half of a worm in the apple! |
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| Blackjack | July 26, 2015, 6:58 am Post #703 |
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The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. "Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.' A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher, she's dead." |
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| Blackjack | July 27, 2015, 7:41 am Post #704 |
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An elderly priest made it a practice to visit the parish school once a week. he walked into the 4th grade class, where the children were studying the states, and asked them how many states could they name. They came up with about 40 names. He jokingly told them that in his day, students knew the names of ALL the states. One lad raised his hand and said, "yeah, but in those days there were only 13." |
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| M. Hawbaker | July 27, 2015, 9:35 am Post #705 |
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:heh |
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