Welcome Guest [Log In] [Register]
Welcome to Prophecy Fellowship! This message board is dedicated to the glorification of Christ Jesus and the edification of Christians through study and discussion of prophecy and life from a scriptural perspective.

Username:   Password:
Add Reply
Super-duper Joke Thread
Topic Started: February 21, 2014, 10:11 am (62,945 Views)
Blackjack

After giving it some thought I have decided to create the Super-duper Joke Thread where all of the jokes can be posted rather than opening a new thread every day. This way you all can add jokes of your own too. Let's go!

Emergency call.

There was a hysterical call at the fire department, and it went like this:
Caller: Help me, please help me; there is a cat meowing and yowling with frequency and urgency. It is going to hurt me, it's going to kill me; can you please help me, and send the fire squad right away?
Fire Department:Take it easy, cats don’t hurt us, just relax wait until he leaves.
Caller:You don’t understand it is going to bite me, it is going to kill me; it is going to be fatal!
Fire Department: Cats aren’t like snakes or spiders that are poisonous, by the way who is calling?
Caller: I’m Josephine’s parrot you jerk! Help me please, please help!


Offline Profile Quote Post Goto Top
 
Replies:
Blackjack

During a friendly argument, my husband asked me why I married him in the first place.
"I was just stupid," I teased.
When he said he was happy to hear that, I requested an explanation.
"People get divorced all the time because they fall out of love," he said. "But I've never heard of anybody falling out of stupid."
Offline Profile Quote Post Goto Top
 
Blackjack

A mechanic was removing a cylinder-head from the motor of a Harley motorcycle when he spotted a well-known cardiologist in his shop. The cardiologist was there waiting for the service manager to come take a look at his bike when the mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey Doc, want to take a look at this?" The cardiologist, a bit surprised, walked over to where the mechanic was working on the motorcycle. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, "So Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take the valves out, repair any damage, and then put them back in, and when I finish, it works just like new. So how come I make $39,675 a year and you get the really big bucks ($1,695,759) when you and I are doing basically the same work?" The cardiologist paused, smiled and leaned over, then whispered to the mechanic... ''Try doing it with the engine running."
Offline Profile Quote Post Goto Top
 
Blackjack

Having served his time with the Marine Corps, a man became a school teacher and before school started he injured his back. He was required to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body. Fortunately, the cast fit under his shirt and wasn't even noticeable. On the first day of class, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in the school. Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, he opened the window wide and sat down at his desk. When a strong breeze made his tie flap, he took a stapler and stapled the tie to his chest. He had no trouble with discipline that year... SEMPER FI
Offline Profile Quote Post Goto Top
 
warrior-child
Member Avatar

Blackjack
July 8, 2015, 7:36 am
Having served his time with the Marine Corps, a man became a school teacher and before school started he injured his back. He was required to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body. Fortunately, the cast fit under his shirt and wasn't even noticeable. On the first day of class, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in the school. Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, he opened the window wide and sat down at his desk. When a strong breeze made his tie flap, he took a stapler and stapled the tie to his chest. He had no trouble with discipline that year... SEMPER FI
:hysterical
Offline Profile Quote Post Goto Top
 
Blackjack

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, "Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly." The other man said, "What is the name of the restaurant?" The first man thought and thought and finally said, "What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know... The one that's red and has thorns." "Do you mean a rose?" "Yes, that's the one," replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?"
Offline Profile Quote Post Goto Top
 
Blackjack

Showing his friend around his home, Fred started to point out all of the collectibles he and his wife had acquired over their long years of marriage. "The day before I die, I'd like to sell every piece we've got just to see how much it's all worth." "But you couldn't possibly know the day before you were going to die, so how could you sell it." "Simple... If I sell it, my wife would kill me!"
Offline Profile Quote Post Goto Top
 
Blackjack

Idiot Sighting

IDIOT SIGHTING: Hubby and I had to have the garage door repaired. The Sears repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a large enough motor on the opener. I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one Sears made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower. He shook his head and said, "Lady, you need a 1/4 horsepower." I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4. He said, "NO, it's not. Four is larger than two." We haven't used Sears repair since.

IDIOT SIGHTING: I live in a semi rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road. The reason: "Too many deer are being hit by cars out here! I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore." From Kingman, KS

IDIOTS IN FOOD SERVICE: My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the person behind the counter for "minimal lettuce." He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg. From Kansas City!

IDIOT SIGHTING: I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?" To which I replied, "If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?" He smiled knowingly and nodded, "That's why we ask." Happened in Birmingham, Ala.

IDIOT SIGHTING: The stoplight on the corner buzzes when its safe to cross the street. I was crossing with a co-worker of mine. She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red. Appalled, she responded, "What on earth are blind people doing driving?!" She was a probation officer in Wichita, KS

IDIOT SIGHTING: At a good-bye luncheon for a dear coworker: She was leaving the company due to "downsizing." Our manager commented cheerfully, "This is fun. We should do this more often." Not another word was spoken. We all just looked at each other with that deer-in-the-headlights stare. This was at Texas Instruments.

IDIOT SIGHTING: I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself, and for the sake of her own life, couldn't understand why her system would not turn on. A deputy with the Dallas County Sheriffs office.

IDIOT SIGHTING: When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver's side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. "Hey," I announced to the technician, "Its open!" His reply, "I know - I already got that side." This was at the Ford dealership in Canton, Mississippi!
Offline Profile Quote Post Goto Top
 
Blackjack

A college pizza delivery boy arrived at the house of Mr.Smith. He delivered the pizza to his trailer. After giving it to him, Mr. Smith asked: "What is the usual tip?" "Well," replied the youth, "this is my first trip here, but the other guys say if I get a quarter out of you, I'll be doing great." "Is that so?" snorted Mr. Smith. "Well, just to show them how wrong they are, here's five dollars." "Thanks," replied the youth, "I'll put this in my school fund." "What are you studying in school?" asked Larry. The lad smiled and said: "Applied psychology."
Offline Profile Quote Post Goto Top
 
Blackjack

A young couple got married and went away on their honeymoon. After two weeks they came back and finally put away all of the presents they received from friends and family. Since this was a new home, the process took some time. A week later, they received in the mail two tickets for a popular show where tickets were impossible to get. They were very excited and warmed by the gesture of the person who sent this. Inside the envelope, however, was only a small piece of paper with a single line, "Guess who sent them." The pair had much fun trying to identify the donor, but failed in the effort. They went to the theater, and had a wonderful time. On their return home late at night, still trying to guess the identity of the unknown host, they found the house stripped of every article of value. And on the bare table in the dining room was a piece of paper on which was written in the same hand as the enclosure with the tickets: "Now you know!"
Offline Profile Quote Post Goto Top
 
Blackjack

While shopping in a food store, two Baptist ladies happened to pass by the beer,wine, and liquor section. It being a hot day one asked the other if she would like a beer. The second answered that, indeed, it would be very nice to have one, but that she would feel uncomfortable about purchasing it. The first lady replied that she would handle that without a problem. She picked up a six-pack and took it to the cashier. The cashier, knowing that they were Baptists, had a very surprised look, so the first lady said, 'This is for washing our hair.' Without blinking an eye, the cashier reached under the counter and put a package of pretzel sticks in the bag with the beer. 'The curlers are on me.'
Offline Profile Quote Post Goto Top
 
cricket55
Member Avatar

:heh
Offline Profile Quote Post Goto Top
 
Blackjack

An engineer who was unemployed for a long time decided to open his own medical clinic. "A cure for your ailment guaranteed at $500; we'll pay you $1,000 if we fail."

A doctor thinks this is a good opportunity to earn a $1,000, and goes to the clinic.

Doctor: "I have lost my sense of taste."

Engineer: "Nurse, please bring the medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth."

Doctor: "This is gasoline!"

Engineer: "Congratulations! You've got your taste back. That will be $500."

The doctor gets annoyed and goes back a couple of days later to recover his money.

Doctor: "I have lost my memory, I can't remember anything!"

Engineer: "Nurse please bring the medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth."

Doctor: "But that's gasoline!"

Engineer: "Congratulations! You've got your memory back. That will be $500."

The doctor leaves angrily, but returns several days later more determined than ever this time to make his money back.

Doctor: "I've lost my eyesight."

Engineer: "Well I don't have any medicine for this. Take this $1,000," passing the doctor $500.

Doctor: "But this is only $500!"

Engineer: "Congratulations! You've got your eyesight back. That will be $500."
Offline Profile Quote Post Goto Top
 
Blackjack

A patient awakened after a serious operation only to find himself in a room with all the blinds drawn. Why are all the blinds closed?" He asked her doctor. Well, the surgeon responded, "They're fighting a huge fire across the street, and we didn't want you to wake up and think the operation had failed."
Offline Profile Quote Post Goto Top
 
Blackjack

A hunting party is hopelessly lost. “I thought you said you were the best guide in Maine!” one of the hunters angrily said to their confused leader. “I am, “replied the guide. “But I think we’re in Canada now.”
Offline Profile Quote Post Goto Top
 
cricket55
Member Avatar

:lol
Offline Profile Quote Post Goto Top
 
Go to Next Page
« Previous Topic · Anything Goes! · Next Topic »
Add Reply