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| Super-duper Joke Thread | |
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| Tweet Topic Started: February 21, 2014, 10:11 am (62,946 Views) | |
| Blackjack | February 21, 2014, 10:11 am Post #1 |
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After giving it some thought I have decided to create the Super-duper Joke Thread where all of the jokes can be posted rather than opening a new thread every day. This way you all can add jokes of your own too. Let's go! Emergency call. There was a hysterical call at the fire department, and it went like this: Caller: Help me, please help me; there is a cat meowing and yowling with frequency and urgency. It is going to hurt me, it's going to kill me; can you please help me, and send the fire squad right away? Fire Department:Take it easy, cats don’t hurt us, just relax wait until he leaves. Caller:You don’t understand it is going to bite me, it is going to kill me; it is going to be fatal! Fire Department: Cats aren’t like snakes or spiders that are poisonous, by the way who is calling? Caller: I’m Josephine’s parrot you jerk! Help me please, please help! |
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| Blackjack | June 24, 2015, 9:02 am Post #661 |
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I know I'm not going to understand women. I'll never understand how you can take hot wax, pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root, and still be afraid of a spider. |
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| Blackjack | June 25, 2015, 7:04 am Post #662 |
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An old, tired-looking dog wandered into the yard. I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home. He followed me into the house, down the hall, and fell asleep on the couch. An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out. The next day he was back, resumed his position on the couch and slept for an hour. This continued for several weeks. Curious, I pinned a note to his collar: 'Every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap.' The next day he arrived with a different note pinned to his collar: 'He lives in a home with four children -- he's trying to catch up on his sleep. Can I come with him tomorrow?' |
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| M. Hawbaker | June 25, 2015, 7:43 am Post #663 |
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:rofl |
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| M. Hawbaker | June 25, 2015, 7:51 am Post #664 |
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A physician, an engineer, and an attorney were discussing who among them belonged to the oldest of the three professions represented. The physician said, "Remember, on the sixth day God took a rib from Adam and fashioned Eve, making him the first surgeon. Therefore, medicine is the oldest profession." The engineer replied, "But, before that, God created the heavens and earth from chaos and confusion, and thus he was the first engineer. Therefore, engineering is an older profession than medicine." Then, the lawyer spoke up. "Yes," he said, "But who do you think created all of the chaos and confusion?" |
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| Blackjack | June 26, 2015, 7:49 am Post #665 |
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Funny fact. When Montenegro became independent from Yugoslavia, its internet domain name went from .yu to .me |
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| Blackjack | June 26, 2015, 11:54 am Post #666 |
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Two in one day. Oh well, I didn't want to wait until tomorrow for this one. A man walks to 5th Ave. & 42nd St. in New York City during a downpour and somehow manages to get a taxi immediately. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Sheldon." "Who?" "Sheldon Cohen. There's a guy who did everything right. Like my cab being vacant during a rainstorm. It would have happened like that for Sheldon every single time." "Well, no one is perfect. There are always a few clouds over everybody", stated the passenger. "Not Sheldon," said the cabbie. "He was a terrific athlete. He could have gone on the pro tour in tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star. Handsome and sophisticated, more than Cary Grant. He had a better body than Arnold in his prime. He was something!" "Somehow Sheldon just knew exactly how to make women happy," the cabbie continued. "He had a memory like a computer. Could remember everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which fork to eat with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole neighborhood blacks out." "Wow, incredible , no wonder you remember him!" said the passenger. "Well, I never actually met Sheldon," admitted the cabbie. "Then how do you know so much about him?" asked the passenger. "After he died, I married his wife." Edited by Blackjack, June 26, 2015, 11:55 am.
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| Blackjack | June 27, 2015, 5:26 am Post #667 |
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And now, just to prove that I'm not superstitious, I give you post number 666. A lady was walking down the street to work and she saw a Parrot on a perch in front of a pet store. The parrot said to Her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly." Well, the lady is furious! She stormed past the store to her work. On the way home she saw the same parrot and it said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly." She was incredibly angry now. The next day the same parrot again said to her, "Hey lady, You are really ugly." The lady was so ticked that she went into the store and said That she would sue the store and kill the bird. The store manager replied profusely and promised he would make sure The parrot didn't say it again. When the lady walked past the store that day after work the Parrot called to her, "Hey lady." She paused and said,"Yes?" The bird said, "You know." |
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| Blackjack | June 28, 2015, 12:06 pm Post #668 |
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The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids came back and one-by-one began to tell their stories. "Johnny, do you have a story to share?", the teacher asked. "Yes ma'am," Johnny replied. "My daddy told me a story about my Aunt Nancy. She was a pilot in Desert Storm and her plane got hit. "She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a small flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife. "She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break, and then her parachute landed right in the middle of 20 enemy troops. She shot 15 of them with the gun until she ran out of bullets, killed 4 more with the knife till the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands." "Good heavens," cried the horrified teacher. "What kind of moral did your daddy give you from this horrible story?" "Stay away from Aunt Nancy when she's drinking." |
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| Blackjack | June 29, 2015, 9:55 am Post #669 |
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Our teacher asked us what our favorite animal was, and I said, "Fried chicken." She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right, everyone else in the class laughed. My parents told me to always be truthful and honest, and I am. Fried chicken is my favorite animal. I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA. He said they love animals very much. I do, too. Especially chicken, pork and beef. Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office. I told him what happened, and he laughed too. Then he told me not to do it again. The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was. I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, just like she'd asked the other children. So I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken. She sent me back to the principal's office again. He laughed, and told me not to do it again. I don't understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn't like it when I am. Today, my teacher asked us to tell her what famous person we admire most. I told her, "Colonel Sanders". Guess where I am now... |
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| M. Hawbaker | June 29, 2015, 10:22 am Post #670 |
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:lol |
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| Blackjack | June 30, 2015, 8:31 am Post #671 |
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Seeing her friend Sally wearing a new locket, Meg asks if there is a memento of some sort inside. “Yes,” says Sally, “a lock of my husband’s hair.” “But Larry’s still alive.” “I know, but his hair is gone.” |
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| Blackjack | July 1, 2015, 9:05 am Post #672 |
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Modern times. 16 years old Peter goes to the priest: "Father, I came to confess!" "No need, I read your blog." |
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| Blackjack | July 2, 2015, 8:03 am Post #673 |
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Each Friday night after work, Bubba would fire up his outdoor grill and cook a venison steak. But, all of Bubba's neighbors were Catholic....And since it was Lent, they were forbidden from eating meat on Friday. The delicious aroma from the grilled venison steaks was causing such a problem for the Catholic faithful that they finally talked to their priest. The Priest came to visit Bubba, and suggested that he become a Catholic. After several classes and much study, Bubba attended Mass.....and as the priest sprinkled holy water over him, he said, "You were born a Baptist, and raised a Baptist, but now you are a Catholic." Bubba's neighbors were greatly relieved, until Friday night arrived, and the wonderful aroma of grilled venison filled the neighborhood. The Priest was called immediately by the neighbors, and, as he rushed into Bubba's yard, clutching a rosary and prepared to scold him, he stopped and watched in amazement. There stood Bubba, clutching a small bottle of holy water which he carefully sprinkled over the grilling meat and chanted: "You wuz born a deer, you wuz raised a deer, but now you is a catfish." |
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| Blackjack | July 3, 2015, 8:28 am Post #674 |
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Well, that's one reason! :pound This Guy Knows Math I was riding to work yesterday when I observed a female driver, who cut right in front of a pickup truck, causing the driver to drive onto the shoulder to avoid hitting her. This evidently angered the driver enough that he hung his arm out is window and gave the woman the finger. "Man, that guy is stupid," I thought to myself. I ALWAYS smile nicely and wave in a sheepish manner whenever a female does anything to me in traffic, And here's why: I drive 48 miles each way every day to work. That's 96 miles each day. Of these, 16 miles each way is bumper-to-bumper. Most of the bumper-to-bumper is on an 8 lane highway. There are 7 cars every 40 feet for 32 miles. That works out to 982 cars every mile, or 31,424 cars. Even though the rest of the 32 miles is not bumper-to-bumper, I figure I pass at least another 4000 cars. That brings the number to something like 36,000 cars that I pass every day.. Statistically, females drive half of these. That's 18,000 women drivers! In any given group of females, 1 in 28 has PMS. That's 642. According to Cosmopolitan, 70% describe their love life as dissatisfying or unrewarding. That's 449. According to the National Institute of Health, 22% of all females have seriously considered suicide or homicide. That's 98. And 34% describe men as their biggest problem. That's 33. According to the National Rifle Association, 5% of all females carry weapons and this number is increasing. That means that EVERY SINGLE DAY, I drive past at least one female that has a lousy love life, thinks men are her biggest problem, has seriously considered suicide or homicide, has PMS, and is armed. Give her the finger? I don't think so... |
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| Blackjack | July 4, 2015, 12:11 pm Post #675 |
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The little boy wasn’t getting good marks in school. One day he made the teacher quite surprised. He tapped her on the shoulder and said…. “I don’t want to scare you, but my daddy says if I don’t get better grades….. somebody is going to get a spanking…” |
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