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| Super-duper Joke Thread | |
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| Tweet Topic Started: February 21, 2014, 10:11 am (62,947 Views) | |
| Blackjack | February 21, 2014, 10:11 am Post #1 |
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After giving it some thought I have decided to create the Super-duper Joke Thread where all of the jokes can be posted rather than opening a new thread every day. This way you all can add jokes of your own too. Let's go! Emergency call. There was a hysterical call at the fire department, and it went like this: Caller: Help me, please help me; there is a cat meowing and yowling with frequency and urgency. It is going to hurt me, it's going to kill me; can you please help me, and send the fire squad right away? Fire Department:Take it easy, cats don’t hurt us, just relax wait until he leaves. Caller:You don’t understand it is going to bite me, it is going to kill me; it is going to be fatal! Fire Department: Cats aren’t like snakes or spiders that are poisonous, by the way who is calling? Caller: I’m Josephine’s parrot you jerk! Help me please, please help! |
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| Blackjack | June 11, 2015, 9:22 am Post #646 |
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I had moved to South Carolina from New York, and at that time a vehicle inspection was required to register my car. I was nervous; my car was in rough shape. I thought of New York State's rigorous inspections. Any number of problems might turn up that would be expensive to fix. I drove down a country road and found a garage that had an inspection sign. When I told the mechanic what I needed, he circled the car, turned on the lights and honked the horn. Then he attached a new sticker and asked me for the three-dollar fee. I was shocked. "Is that all you have to do?" I asked. He answered, "Well, you drove it here, didn't you?" |
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| Blackjack | June 12, 2015, 9:52 am Post #647 |
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The Texas Work Force Department claimed he was not paying proper wages to his help,and sent an agent out to interview him. "I need a list of your employees, and how much you pay them," demanded the agent. "Well," replied the rancher, "there's my farm hand, who's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $200 a week plus free ...room and board. The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $150 per week, plus free room and board. Then there's the half-wit. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally." "That's the guy I want to talk to.. to the half-wit," said the agent. The rancher replied, "That would be me." |
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| Blackjack | June 12, 2015, 2:17 pm Post #648 |
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I hope this isn't too vulgar. It's one of my all time favorites. One day Sister Catherine asked the students in her third grade class what they wanted to be when they grew up. When she got to one little girl she asked, " And what do you want to be, Mary Margaret?" Mary Margaret answered, "A prostitute, sister." Aghast, Sister Catherine stammered, "What did you say?" Mary Margaret replied, "I said that I want to be a prostitute, sister." Sister Catherine raised her arms heavenward and, nearly in tears, said, "Saints preserve us! I thought you said a protestant!" |
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| Blackjack | June 14, 2015, 9:11 am Post #649 |
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A quiet, polite man owns a disgusting, foul mouthed parrot. One day, it gets to be too much, so the man locks the bird in a kitchen cabinet. When the man finally lets him out, the bird cuts loose with a stream of vulgarities, so the man puts the bird into the freezer. After a few seconds of clawing and thrashing, it suddenly gets VERY quiet. The man opens the freezer door. The bird calmly climbs onto the man's outstretched arm and says, "I'm very sorry. I promise I'll never curse again." The man is astonished. Then the parrot says, "By the way, what did the chicken do?" |
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| Blackjack | June 15, 2015, 7:05 am Post #650 |
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One day our professor was discussing a particularly complicated concept. A pre-med student rudely interrupted to ask "Why do we have to learn this stuff?" "To save lives." the professor responded quickly and continued the lecture. A few minutes later, the same student spoke up again. "So how does physics save lives?" he persisted. "It keeps the ignoramuses out of medical school," replied the professor. |
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| Blackjack | June 16, 2015, 7:11 am Post #651 |
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In the beginning, God created the heaven and the earth... After that, everything else was made in China. |
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| M. Hawbaker | June 16, 2015, 9:52 am Post #652 |
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:rofl |
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| Blackjack | June 17, 2015, 8:41 am Post #653 |
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The farmer's son was returning from the market with the crate of chicken's his father had entrusted to him, when all of a sudden the box fell and broke open. Chickens scurried off in different directions, but the determined boy walked all over the neighborhood scooping up the wayward birds and returning them to the repaired crate. Hoping he had found them all, the boy reluctantly returned home, expecting the worst. "Pa, the chickens got loose," the boy confessed sadly, "but I managed to find all twelve of them." "Well, you did real good, son," the farmer beamed. "You left with seven." |
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| Blackjack | June 18, 2015, 8:10 am Post #654 |
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Luigi (father): 'I want you to marry a girl of my choice.' Son: 'I will choose my own bride!!!' Luigi: 'But the girl is Bill Gates' daughter..' Son: 'Well, in that case . . . ok' Next Luigi approaches Bill Gates. Luigi: 'I have a husband for your daughter...' Bill Gates: 'But my daughter is too young to marry!!' Luigi: 'But this young man is a vice-president of the World Bank' Bill Gates: 'Ah, in that case . . . ok' Finally Luigi goes to see the president of the World Bank. Luigi: 'I have a young man to be recommended as a vice-president.' President: 'But I already have more vice-presidents than I need!' Luigi : 'But this young man is Bill Gates' son-in-law.' President: 'Ah, in that case . . . ok' And that, my friends, is how Italians do business. Edited by Blackjack, June 18, 2015, 8:11 am.
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| Blackjack | June 19, 2015, 6:17 am Post #655 |
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On the first day, God created the dog and said: "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years." The dog said: "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?" So God agreed. On the second day, God created the monkey and said: "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span." The monkey said: "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the Dog did?" And God agreed. On the third day, God created the cow and said: "You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years." The cow said: "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?" And God agreed again. On the fourth day, God created man and said: "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years." But man said: "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?" "Okay," said God, "You asked for it." So that is why the first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone. Life has now been explained to you. |
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| Blackjack | June 20, 2015, 6:23 am Post #656 |
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...If I had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive they would eventually find me attractive! |
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| Blackjack | June 21, 2015, 7:36 am Post #657 |
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"Daddy," a little girl asked her father, "do all fairy tales begin with 'Once upon a time'? " "No, sweetheart," he answered. "Some begin with 'If I am elected.'" |
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| M. Hawbaker | June 21, 2015, 3:51 pm Post #658 |
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Bob was in a lot of trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was NOT HAPPY, and started to give him the business. She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!" The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale. BOB HAS BEEN MISSING SINCE FRIDAY... |
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| Blackjack | June 22, 2015, 5:26 am Post #659 |
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Grandpa was celebrating his 100th birthday and everybody complimented him on how athletic and well-preserved he appeared. "Gentlemen, I will tell you the secret of my success," he cackled. "I have been in the open air day after day for some 75 years now." The celebrants were impressed and asked how he managed to keep up his rigorous fitness regime. "Well, you see my wife and I were married 75 years ago. On our wedding night, we made a solemn pledge. Whenever we had a fight, the one who was proved wrong would go outside and take a walk." |
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| Blackjack | June 23, 2015, 11:01 am Post #660 |
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One day God was looking down at Earth and saw all of the wicked behavior going on..... He sent one of his angels to earth to look into it. When the angel returned, he told God, "Yes, it is bad on earth; 95% are misbehaving and only 5% are not." God was not pleased so he decided to e-mail the 5% that were good, because he wanted to encourage them and give them a little something to help keep them going... Do you know what the e-mail said? . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . NO? Okay, I was just wondering because I didn't get one either. |
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