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| Super-duper Joke Thread | |
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| Tweet Topic Started: February 21, 2014, 10:11 am (62,948 Views) | |
| Blackjack | February 21, 2014, 10:11 am Post #1 |
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After giving it some thought I have decided to create the Super-duper Joke Thread where all of the jokes can be posted rather than opening a new thread every day. This way you all can add jokes of your own too. Let's go! Emergency call. There was a hysterical call at the fire department, and it went like this: Caller: Help me, please help me; there is a cat meowing and yowling with frequency and urgency. It is going to hurt me, it's going to kill me; can you please help me, and send the fire squad right away? Fire Department:Take it easy, cats don’t hurt us, just relax wait until he leaves. Caller:You don’t understand it is going to bite me, it is going to kill me; it is going to be fatal! Fire Department: Cats aren’t like snakes or spiders that are poisonous, by the way who is calling? Caller: I’m Josephine’s parrot you jerk! Help me please, please help! |
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| Blackjack | May 30, 2015, 6:00 pm Post #631 |
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Can't argue with the logic. An executive was interviewing a young woman for a position in his company. He wanted to learn something about her personality, so he asked, "if you could have a conversation with anyone, living or dead, who would it be?" She quickly responded, "The living one." |
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| Blackjack | June 2, 2015, 12:33 pm Post #632 |
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I'm not this mean. :lol What do retired people do all day? Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting. Well, for example, the other day I went down town and into a shop. I was only there for about 5 minutes and when I came out there was a cop writing out a parking ticket. I said to him, "Come on, man, how about giving a retired person a break?" He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. I called him a "Nazi." He glared at me and wrote another ticket for having worn tires. So I called him a "doughnut eating Gestapo." He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he wrote a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more I abused him the more tickets he wrote. Personally, I didn't care. I came downtown on the bus, and the car that he was putting the tickets on had a bumper sticker that said "Hillary in '16." I try to have a little fun each day now that I'm retired. It's important to my health. |
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| Blackjack | June 3, 2015, 8:35 am Post #633 |
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Did you ever notice? When you put the two words "The" and "IRS" together it spells "THEIRS"? |
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| M. Hawbaker | June 3, 2015, 10:22 am Post #634 |
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:rofl |
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| Blackjack | June 4, 2015, 9:32 am Post #635 |
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Male fairy tale. Once upon a time, a Prince asked a beautiful Princess, "Will you marry me?" The Princess said, "No!!" And the Prince rode motorcycles, hunted, fished, raced cars and dated women half his age. He drank whiskey, beer, and Captain Morgan and never heard complaining. He never paid child support or alimony and and kept his house and guns. He ate spam and potato chips and beans and passed gas loudly. He never got cheated on while he was at work and all his friends and family thought he was cool as can be. He he had tons of money in the bank and left the toilet seat up. And lived happily ever after. |
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| M. Hawbaker | June 4, 2015, 9:43 am Post #636 |
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:heh |
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| cricket55 | June 4, 2015, 1:58 pm Post #637 |
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:floor |
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| cricket55 | June 6, 2015, 8:35 am Post #638 |
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Squirrels go to church: There were five houses of religion in a small town. The Presbyterian Church The Baptist Church The Methodist Church The Catholic Church and The Jewish Synagogue. Each church and synagogue was over run with pesky squirrels. One Day the Presbyterian Church called a meeting to decide what to do about the squirrels. After much prayer and consideration they determined the squirrels were predestined to be there and they should not interfere with God's devine will. In The Baptist Church the squirrels had taken up habitation in the baptistery. The Deacons met and decided to put a cover on the baptistery and drown the squirrels in it. The squirrels escaped somehow and were twice the number the following week. The Methodist Church got together and decided they were not in the position to harm any of God's creation. So, they humanely trapped the squirrels and set them free a few miles away. Three days later the squirrels were back. But -- The Catholic Church came up with the best and most effective solution. They baptized the squirrels and made them members of the church. Now they only see them on Christmas, Ash Wednesday, Palm Sunday and Easter. Not much was heard about the Jewish Synagogue, but they took one squirrel and had a short service with him, called circumcision and they haven't seen a squirrel on the property since. Edited by cricket55, June 6, 2015, 8:36 am.
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| Blackjack | June 6, 2015, 11:07 am Post #639 |
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:pound |
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| Blackjack | June 6, 2015, 11:09 am Post #640 |
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I remember when she said this! :hysterical "Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life," -- Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign |
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| M. Hawbaker | June 6, 2015, 1:21 pm Post #641 |
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:rofl |
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| Blackjack | June 7, 2015, 7:02 am Post #642 |
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"To be stupid, selfish, and have good health are three requirements for happiness, though if stupidity is lacking, all is lost." --Gustave Flaubert "The only way to avoid being miserable is not to have enough leisure to wonder whether you are happy or not." --George Bernard Shaw "When they discover the center of the universe, a lot of people will be disappointed to discover they are not it." --Bernard Bailey |
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| Blackjack | June 8, 2015, 10:16 am Post #643 |
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Two Yankees fans are on a train up to Boston to watch their team play the Red Sox. They start making fun of a couple of Red Sox supporters who only have one ticket between the two of them. Just before the conductor appears both Red Sox fans go into the bathroom and lock the door behind them. When the conductor knocks on the door they slip the ticket under the door, the conductor clips it and slides it back under the door and off he goes. On the return journey the Yankees fans decide to pull the same trick and purchase only one ticket for the two of them. They notice that yet again the two Red Sox supporters only have one ticket between them. The Yankees fans realize there is only one bathroom per car and quickly take the lead, locking themselves in first, leaving the Red Sox fans with nowhere to go. A minute later the Red Sox fan without a ticket strolls over to the bathroom and knocks on the door. |
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| Blackjack | June 9, 2015, 11:36 am Post #644 |
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The economy is so bad that I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail. The economy is so bad I ordered a burger at McDonalds and the kid behind the counter asked, "Can you afford fries with that?" The economy is so bad that CEO's are now playing miniature golf. The economy is so bad if the bank returns your check marked "Insufficient Funds," you call them and ask if they meant you or them. The economy is so bad Hot Wheels and Matchbox stocks are trading higher than GM. The economy is so bad McDonald's is selling the 1/4 ouncer. The economy is so bad parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children's names. The economy is so bad a truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico . he economy is so bad Motel Six won't leave the light on anymore. The economy is so bad Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen. |
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| Blackjack | June 10, 2015, 4:58 pm Post #645 |
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A young man hired by a supermarket reported for his first day of work. The manager greeted him with a warm handshake and a smile, gave him a broom, and said, "Your first job will be to sweep out the store." "But I'm a college graduate," the young man replied indignantly. "Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't realize that," said the manager. "Here, give me the broom -- I'll show you how." |
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