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| Super-duper Joke Thread | |
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| Tweet Topic Started: February 21, 2014, 10:11 am (62,950 Views) | |
| Blackjack | February 21, 2014, 10:11 am Post #1 |
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After giving it some thought I have decided to create the Super-duper Joke Thread where all of the jokes can be posted rather than opening a new thread every day. This way you all can add jokes of your own too. Let's go! Emergency call. There was a hysterical call at the fire department, and it went like this: Caller: Help me, please help me; there is a cat meowing and yowling with frequency and urgency. It is going to hurt me, it's going to kill me; can you please help me, and send the fire squad right away? Fire Department:Take it easy, cats don’t hurt us, just relax wait until he leaves. Caller:You don’t understand it is going to bite me, it is going to kill me; it is going to be fatal! Fire Department: Cats aren’t like snakes or spiders that are poisonous, by the way who is calling? Caller: I’m Josephine’s parrot you jerk! Help me please, please help! |
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| cricket55 | April 18, 2015, 5:23 pm Post #601 |
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What do you call a belt made with wrist watches??? A Waist of time. |
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| cricket55 | April 21, 2015, 5:24 pm Post #602 |
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Why did the cowboy buy a weiner dog??? He wanted to get along little doggie. |
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| Blackjack | April 21, 2015, 5:42 pm Post #603 |
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Two beggars are sitting side by side on a street in Rome. One has a cross in front of him; the other one the Star of David. Many people go by and look at both beggars, but only put money into the hat of the beggar sitting behind the cross. A priest comes by, stops and watches throngs of people giving money to the beggar behind the cross, but none give to the beggar behind the Star of David. Finally, the priest goes over to the beggar behind the Star of David and says, "My poor fellow, don't you understand?? This is a Catholic country, this city is the seed of Catholicism. People aren't going to give you money if you sit there with a Star of David in front of you, especially when you're sitting beside a beggar who has a cross. In fact, they would probably give to him just out of spite." The beggar behind the 'Star of David' listened to the priest, turned to the other beggar with the cross and said: "Moishe, look who's trying to teach the Goldstein brothers about marketing." |
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| M. Hawbaker | April 21, 2015, 7:29 pm Post #604 |
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:heh |
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| Blackjack | April 22, 2015, 8:39 am Post #605 |
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Thoughts... The advice your son rejected is now being given by him to your grandson. Working mothers are guinea pigs in a scientific experiment to show that sleep is not necessary to human life. Parents often talk about the younger generations as if they didn't have anything to do with it. |
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| cricket55 | April 22, 2015, 6:03 pm Post #606 |
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:floor |
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| Blackjack | April 26, 2015, 5:47 pm Post #607 |
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A young woman was taking an afternoon nap. After she woke up, she told her husband, "I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine's Day. What do you think it means? You'll know tonight.... he said. That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife. Delighted, she opened it---only to find a book entitled "The meaning of dreams". |
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| Blackjack | April 29, 2015, 6:21 pm Post #608 |
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Marriage is a three-ring circus: Engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering. |
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| Blackjack | April 30, 2015, 10:01 am Post #609 |
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Games to play when we're older: 1. Sag, you're it. 2. Hide and go pee. 3. 20 questions shouted into your good ear. 4. Kick the bucket. 5. Red Rover, Red Rover, the nurse says Bend Over. 6. Musical recliners. 7. Simon says something incoherent. 8. Pin the Toupee on the Bald Guy. SIGNS OF MENOPAUSE: 1. You sell your home heating system at a yard sale. 2. You have to write post-it notes with your kids' names on them. 3. You change your underwear after a sneeze. OLD IS WHEN: 1. Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face. 2. You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along. 3. Getting a little action means you don't need fiber today. 4. Getting lucky means you find your car in the parking lot. 5. An all-nighter means not getting up to pee! Thoughts for the weekend Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press 'Ctr Alt Delete' and start all over? If raising children was going to be easy, it never would have started with something called labor! Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever. But Most Of All, Remember: A Good Friend Is Like A Good Bra: Hard to Find, Supportive, Comfortable, And Always Close To Your Heart. |
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| Blackjack | May 3, 2015, 11:59 am Post #610 |
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A magazine recently ran a "Dilbert Quotes" contest. They were looking for people to submit quotes from their real-life Dilbert-type managers. These were voted the top ten quotes in corporate America: "As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday, and employees will receive their cards in two weeks." (This was the winning quote from Fred Dales, Microsoft Corp. in Redmond WA) "What I need is an exact list of specific unknown problems we might encounter." (Lykes Lines Shipping) "E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be used only for company business." (Accounting manager, Electric Boat Company) "This project is so important we can't let things that are more important interfere with it." (Advertising/Marketing manager, United Parcel Service) "Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule." (Plant Manager, Delco Corporation) "No one will believe you solved this problem in one day! We've been working on it for months. Now go act busy for a few weeks and I'll let you know when it's time to tell them." (R&D supervisor, Minnesota Mining and Manufacturing/3M Corp.) Quote from the Boss: "Teamwork is a lot of people doing what I say." (Marketing executive, Citrix Corporation) My sister passed away and her funeral was scheduled for Monday. When I told my Boss, he said she died on purpose so that I would have to miss work on the busiest day of the year. He then asked if we could change her burial to Friday. He said, "That would be better for me." (Shipping executive, FTD Florists) "We know that communication is a problem, but the company is not going to discuss it with the employees." (Switching supervisor, AT&T Long Lines Division) |
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| Blackjack | May 4, 2015, 4:34 pm Post #611 |
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The Lone Ranger and Tonto stopped in the desert for the night. After they got their tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep. Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says, "Kemo Sabe, look towards sky, what you see?" The Lone Ranger replies, "I see millions of stars." "What that tell you?" asked Tonto. The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute the says, "Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning. Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically , it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What's it tell you,Tonto?" Tonto is silent for a moment, then says, "Kemo Sabe, you dumbest white man I know. It means someone stole tent." |
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| Blackjack | May 5, 2015, 4:57 pm Post #612 |
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This past fall semester, at Duke University, there were two sophomores who were taking Organic Chemistry and who did pretty well on all of the quizzes, midterms, labs, etc. Going into the final exam, they had solid "A's." These two friends were so confident going into the final that the weekend before finals week (even though the Chem. final was on Monday), they decided to go up to University of Virginia to a party with some friends. So they did this and had a great time. However, they ended up staying longer than they planned, and they didn't make it back to Duke until early Monday morning. Rather than taking the final then, they found Professor Aldric after the final and explained to him why they missed it. They told him that they went up to Virginia for the weekend, and had planned to come back in time to study, but that they had a flat tire on the way back and didn't have a spare and couldn't get help for a long time. So they were late getting back to campus. Aldric thought this over and agreed that they could make up the final on the following day. The two guys were elated and relieved. So, they studied that night and went in the next day at the time that Aldric had told them. He placed them in separate rooms, handed each of them a test booklet and told them to begin. They looked at the first problem, which was something simple about free radical formation and was worth 5 points. "Cool" they thought, "this is going to be easy." They did that problem and then turned the page. They were unprepared, however, for what they saw on the next page. It said: (95 points) "Which tire?" |
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| Blackjack | May 6, 2015, 5:06 pm Post #613 |
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3 guys were riding in a car: a hardware technician, a systems analyst, and a programmer. The systems analyst is driving and when they come to a steep hill he finds that the brakes have failed and the car is accelerating out of control. So, the driver pumps the emergency brake, downshifts the gears, and rubs the wheels' rims against the curb. He finally wrestles the car to a stop. The three climb out and assess the situation. Hardware tech: "Let's try and fix it. I'll crawl under the car and take a look. " Systems analyst: "No. I think we should get someone qualified to fix it, a specialist in brakes." Programmer: "Why don't we just get back in and see if it happens again?" |
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| Blackjack | May 9, 2015, 5:16 pm Post #614 |
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Here's one I heard from a kid recently. Q: Why did the green tomato turn red? A: It saw the salad dressing! |
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| Blackjack | May 12, 2015, 3:59 pm Post #615 |
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With a nod toward all of my friends and relatives in Arkansas. Arkansas's Rules 1. Pull your droopy pants up. You look like an idiot. 2. Let's get this straight; it's called a "gravel road." I drive a Pickup truck because I want to. No matter how slow you drive, you're going to get dust on your Lexus. Drive it or get out of the way. 3. They are cattle & fishing lakes. That's what they smell like to you. They smell like money to us. Get over it. 4. So you have a $60,000 car. We're impressed. We have $250,000 combines that are driven only 3 times a year. 5. So every person in every pickup waves. It's called being friendly. Try to understand the concept. 6. If that cell phone rings while a bunch of ducks are coming in, we WILL shoot it out of your hand. You better hope you don't have it up to your ear at the time. 7. Yeah, we eat Crappie and Catfish and love it. You really want sushi & caviar? It's available at the corner bait shop. 8. The "Opener" refers to the first day of deer season. It's a Religious holiday held the closest Saturday to the first of November. 9. We open doors for women. That is applied to all women, regardless of age. 10. No, there's no "vegetarian special" on the menu. Order steak. Or you can order the Chef's Salad and pick off the pound of ham & turkey. 11. When we fill out a table, there are three main dishes: meats, meats, and meats. 12. You bring "coke" into my house, it better be brown, wet, and served over ice. You bring "Mary Jane" into my house, she better be cute, know how to shoot, drive a truck, and have long hair. 13. Yeah, we have golf courses. But don't hit the water hazards --it spooks the fish. |
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