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| Super-duper Joke Thread | |
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| Tweet Topic Started: February 21, 2014, 10:11 am (62,951 Views) | |
| Blackjack | February 21, 2014, 10:11 am Post #1 |
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After giving it some thought I have decided to create the Super-duper Joke Thread where all of the jokes can be posted rather than opening a new thread every day. This way you all can add jokes of your own too. Let's go! Emergency call. There was a hysterical call at the fire department, and it went like this: Caller: Help me, please help me; there is a cat meowing and yowling with frequency and urgency. It is going to hurt me, it's going to kill me; can you please help me, and send the fire squad right away? Fire Department:Take it easy, cats don’t hurt us, just relax wait until he leaves. Caller:You don’t understand it is going to bite me, it is going to kill me; it is going to be fatal! Fire Department: Cats aren’t like snakes or spiders that are poisonous, by the way who is calling? Caller: I’m Josephine’s parrot you jerk! Help me please, please help! |
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| Blackjack | April 5, 2015, 7:31 am Post #586 |
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Oldie, but goody. May be a repeat. Happy Easter! He is risen. A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was. The girl replied, "I'm drawing God." The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like." Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, "They will in a minute." |
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| cricket55 | April 5, 2015, 5:05 pm Post #587 |
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:lol |
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| Blackjack | April 7, 2015, 10:17 am Post #588 |
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Here's a groaner. A bear walks into a bar and says, "I want a bourbon and............... coke" The bartender asks "what's with the huge pause?" The bear says, "I've had them all my life." |
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| M. Hawbaker | April 7, 2015, 11:20 am Post #589 |
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:groan |
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| Blackjack | April 8, 2015, 8:56 am Post #590 |
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Sayings Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself "'Lillian, you should have remained a virgin." -- Lillian (mother of Jimmy) Carter I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue: 'No good in a bed, but fine against a wall.' -- Eleanor Roosevelt Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement. -- Mark Twain The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible. -- George Burns Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year. - - Victor Borge Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint. -- Mark Twain By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher. -- Socrates I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury -- Groucho Marx Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat. -- Alex Levine I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap. -- Bob Hope I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it. -- W.C. Fields We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress. -- Will Rogers Don't worry about avoiding temptation as you grow older, it will avoid you. -- Winston Churchill Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty, but everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out. -- Phyllis Diller By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere. -- Billy Crystal Edited by Blackjack, April 8, 2015, 8:57 am.
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| Blackjack | April 9, 2015, 9:44 am Post #591 |
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A busload of politicians were driving down a country road, when suddenly the bus ran off the road and crashed into an old farmer''s barn. The old farmer got off his tractor and went to investigate. Soon he dug a hole and buried the politicians. A few days later, the local sheriff came out, saw the crashed bus and asked the old farmer where all the politicians had gone. The old farmer told him he had buried them. The sheriff asked the old farmer, "Lordy, were they ALL dead?" The old farmer said, "Well, some of them said they weren''t, but you know how them crooked politicians lie." |
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| cricket55 | April 9, 2015, 5:28 pm Post #592 |
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What do you call a bear without teeth??? a gummy bear. |
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| Blackjack | April 11, 2015, 7:53 am Post #593 |
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My wife said "What you doing today?" I said "Nothing" She said "You did that yesterday!" I said "I wasn't finished" |
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| M. Hawbaker | April 11, 2015, 1:47 pm Post #594 |
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:lol |
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| Blackjack | April 12, 2015, 7:06 am Post #595 |
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Little Nancy was in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was doing, he politely asked, "What are you up to there, Nancy?" "My goldfish died," replied Nancy tearfully, without looking up, "and I've just buried him." The neighbor was concerned, "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish isn't it?" Nancy patted down the last heap of earth then replied, "That's because he's inside your cat." |
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| Blackjack | April 13, 2015, 12:01 pm Post #596 |
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Mildred, the church gossip, and self-appointed monitor of the church's morals, kept sticking her nose in to other people's business. Several members did not approve of her extra-curricular activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence. She made a mistake, however, when she accused George, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his old pickup parked in front of the towns only bar one afternoon. She emphatically told George (and several others) that everyone seeing it there would know what he was doing. George, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just turned and walked away. He didn't explain, defend, or deny ... He said nothing. Later that evening, George quietly parked his pickup in front of Mildred's house ... walked home ... and left it there all night. You got to love George! |
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| Blackjack | April 15, 2015, 11:56 am Post #597 |
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A lady complained to the builder of the house and told him that whenever a train passes by in the nearby station, the house shook and that day she almost feel off the bed. The builder thought that she was exaggerating things and went to her house to find out. The train was due in a few minutes and she asked the builder to lie on the bed to experience it. Just then the door opened and her boxing husband entered the room to see a man on the bed. He asked his wife: "What is the meaning of this? What is this man doing in the bed with you in the room?" His wife told him: "Would you believe he is waiting for a train?" |
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| M. Hawbaker | April 16, 2015, 7:11 am Post #598 |
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Posted Image |
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| Blackjack | April 18, 2015, 6:30 am Post #599 |
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When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three year old came into the room when I was just getting ready to get into the shower. She said, "Mommy, you are getting fat!". I replied, "Yes, honey, remember Mommy has a baby growing in her tummy". "I know", she replied, "but what's growing in your bum?" |
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| cricket55 | April 18, 2015, 1:50 pm Post #600 |
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What did one hat say to the other hat?? You stay here and I will go on a head. |
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