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Super-duper Joke Thread
Topic Started: February 21, 2014, 10:11 am (62,987 Views)
Blackjack

After giving it some thought I have decided to create the Super-duper Joke Thread where all of the jokes can be posted rather than opening a new thread every day. This way you all can add jokes of your own too. Let's go!

Emergency call.

There was a hysterical call at the fire department, and it went like this:
Caller: Help me, please help me; there is a cat meowing and yowling with frequency and urgency. It is going to hurt me, it's going to kill me; can you please help me, and send the fire squad right away?
Fire Department:Take it easy, cats don’t hurt us, just relax wait until he leaves.
Caller:You don’t understand it is going to bite me, it is going to kill me; it is going to be fatal!
Fire Department: Cats aren’t like snakes or spiders that are poisonous, by the way who is calling?
Caller: I’m Josephine’s parrot you jerk! Help me please, please help!


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Blackjack

Two fellers were in desparate need of cash, but admittedly were a bit cowardly. So the one suggested they break into the Amish market. The logic being that since the Amish were non-resistant, even if they were caught, no harm could befall them. Thus they carried out their plot.

However, just as they were breaking into the cash register, the owner turned on the lights and confronted them, a shotgun pointed directly at them.

Calmly, the Amishman said, Boys, I would never do thee any harm yet you are standing where I am about to shoot.
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M. Hawbaker
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:lol
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M. Hawbaker
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A kindergarten teacher gave her class a "show and tell" assignment. Each student was instructed to bring in an object to share with the class that represented their religion.

The first student got up in front of the class and said, "My name is Benjamin and I am Jewish and this is a Star of David."

The second student got up in front of the class and said, "My name is Mary. I'm a Catholic and this is a Rosary."

The third student got in up front of the class and said, "My name is Tommy. I am Baptist, and this is a casserole."
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Blackjack

Bwahaha! :hysterical
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cricket55
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:heh
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Blackjack

A collector of rare books ran into an acquaintance who told him he had just thrown away an old Bible that he found in a dusty, old box. He happened to mention that Guten-somebody-or-other had printed it.

"Not Gutenberg?" gasped the collector.

"Yes, that was it!"

"You idiot! You've thrown away one of the first books ever printed. A copy recently sold at auction for half a million dollars!"

"Oh, I don't think this book would have been worth anything close to that much," replied the man. "It was scribbled all over in the margins by some guy named Martin Luther."
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M. Hawbaker
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:rofl
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M. Hawbaker
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No matter how much you move a sheet of paper, it'll still be stationery.
Edited by M. Hawbaker, March 6, 2014, 12:27 pm.
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M. Hawbaker
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At a remote monastery deep in the woods, the monks followed a rigid vow of silence. This vow could only be broken once a year on Christmas, by one monk, and the monk could speak only one sentence.

One Christmas, Brother Thomas had his turn to speak and said, "I love the delightful mashed potatoes we have every year with the Christmas roast!" Then he sat down. Silence ensued for 365 days.

The next Christmas, Brother Michael got his turn, and said, "I think the mashed potatoes are lumpy and I truly despise them!" Once again, silence ensued for 365 days.

The following Christmas, Brother Paul rose and said, "I am fed up with this constant bickering!"
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Blackjack

:lol


Here's one from Readers Digest:

The day after visiting a fair, my wife was in agony. "You know you’re past your prime," she said, "when you hurt all over and all you rode was the massage chair."
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M. Hawbaker
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:heh
Edited by M. Hawbaker, March 7, 2014, 6:44 pm.
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cricket55
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Time is like a river. You cannot touch the water twice, because the flow that has passed will never pass again. Enjoy every single day of life. As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at the grave side service for a homeless man.

He had no friends or family, so the service was going to be at a pauper's cemetary in Nova Scotia in the back country. As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, did not ask for directions.

I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral director was gone and the hearse was no where in site. There was only the diggers and the crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly about being late and apologized to the men.

I went to the grave side and looked in, the vault lid had already been put in place. I did not know what to do so I started to play. The workers put their sandwiches down and gathered around the grave. I played my heart out for the homeless man who had no family or friends.

I played like I have never played before for this homeless man. And as I played "Amazing Grace", The workers began to weep. I wept, and wept. we all wept together. When I finished, I packed up and headed back to my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.

As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the guys say, "I have never seen anything like that before, and I have been putting septic tanks in for 20 years." Apparently, I am still lost....it's a man thing.

:hysterical
Edited by cricket55, March 7, 2014, 9:40 pm.
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M. Hawbaker
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:rofl
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barb43
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Wish Martha Stewart was My Sister!
:floor

Since the man of this house believes, and has taught our son, that "Real men don't ask for directions!", you know I had to run straight to him & tell him this joke!

Yes, he fell out laughing . . . didn't see the punchline coming.
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Blackjack

:rofl
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