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Super-duper Joke Thread
Topic Started: February 21, 2014, 10:11 am (62,953 Views)
Blackjack

After giving it some thought I have decided to create the Super-duper Joke Thread where all of the jokes can be posted rather than opening a new thread every day. This way you all can add jokes of your own too. Let's go!

Emergency call.

There was a hysterical call at the fire department, and it went like this:
Caller: Help me, please help me; there is a cat meowing and yowling with frequency and urgency. It is going to hurt me, it's going to kill me; can you please help me, and send the fire squad right away?
Fire Department:Take it easy, cats don’t hurt us, just relax wait until he leaves.
Caller:You don’t understand it is going to bite me, it is going to kill me; it is going to be fatal!
Fire Department: Cats aren’t like snakes or spiders that are poisonous, by the way who is calling?
Caller: I’m Josephine’s parrot you jerk! Help me please, please help!


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Blackjack

:lol
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Blackjack

A local business was looking for office help. They put a sign in the window saying: "HELP WANTED. Must be able to type, must be good with a computer and must be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer."
A short time afterwards, a golden retriever dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it and whined. Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office manager. The office manager looked at the dog and was surprised, to say the least. However, the dog looked determined, so he led him into the office. Inside, the dog jumped up on the chair and stared at the manager.
The manager said, "I can't hire you. The sign says you have to be able to type."
The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter and proceeded to type out a perfect letter. He took out the page and trotted over to the manager and gave it to him, then jumped back on the chair.
The manager was stunned, but then told the dog, "The sign says you have to be good with a computer."
The dog jumped down again and went to the computer. The dog proceeded to demonstrate his expertise with various programs and produced a sample spreadsheet and database and presented them to the manager. By this time the manager was totally dumbfounded! He looked at the dog and said, "I realize that you are a very intelligent dog and have some interesting abilities. However, I *still* can't give you the job."
The dog jumped down and went to a copy of the sign and put his paw on the part about being an Equal Opportunity Employer.
The manager said, "Yes, but the sign *also* says that you have to be bilingual."
The dog looked at him straight in the face and said, "Meow."
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Blackjack

A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!" After a few seconds, Little Davie stood up. The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Little Davie?" "No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"
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Blackjack

There was this $20 dollar bill and a $1 dollar bill on the conveyor belt at the downtown Federal Reserve Building.
As they were lying there side by side the $1 dollar bill said to the $20 dollar bill, "Hey mannnnnn, where have you been. I haven't seen you in a long time ?"
The $20 dollar bill replied, "Man I have been having a ball! I been traveling to distant countries, going to the finest restaurants, to the biggest and best casinos, numerous boutiques, the mall uptown, the mall downtown, the mall across town and even a mall that I just newly built.
"In fact, just this week I've been to Europe, a professional NBA game, Rodeo Drive, the all-day retreat spa, the top-notch hair salon and the new casino! I have done it all!!!"
After describing his great travels, the $20 dollar bill asked the $1 dollar bill,
"What about you? Where have you been?"
The $1 dollar replied, "Well, I've been to the Baptist church, the Methodist church, the Presbyterian church, the Episcopalian church, the Church of God in Christ, the Catholic church, the Mormon church, the church of the Latter Day Saints, the A.M.E. church, the Disciple of Christ church, the..."
"WAIT A MINUTE! WAIT A MINUTE!!" shouted the $20 dollar bill to the $1 dollar bill. "What's a church?"
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Blackjack

Sorry, couldn't help it. I laughed out loud.

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I Realized that the Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole a bike and asked him to Forgive me.
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M. Hawbaker
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:faint
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Blackjack

M. Hawbaker
March 4, 2015, 8:51 pm
Yeah, I know. What is really sad is a number of atheists that I have encountered believe that we believe the Lord does work this way!

Back to the jokes.
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Blackjack

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

1. He does not have a 'BEER GUT' - He has developed a 'LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY.'
2. He is not a 'BAD DANCER' - He is 'OVERLY CAUCASIAN.'
3. He does not 'GET LOST ALL THE TIME' - He 'INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS.'
4. He is not 'BALDING' - He is in 'FOLLICLE REGRESSION.'
5. He is not a 'CRADLE ROBBER' - He prefers 'GENERATIONAL DIFFERENTIAL RELATIONSHIPS.'
6. He does not get 'FALLING-DOWN DRUNK' - He becomes 'ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL.'
7. He is not a 'MALE CHAUVINIST PIG' - He has 'SWINE EMPATHY.'
8. He is not afraid of 'COMMITMENT' - He is 'RELATIONSHIP CHALLENGED.'
9. Its not his 'CRACK' you see hanging out of his pants - It's 'REARCLEAVAGE'
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M. Hawbaker
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:rofl
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M. Hawbaker
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Why was the prison inmate's favorite punctuation mark the period?































It marked the end of his sentence.
Edited by M. Hawbaker, March 5, 2015, 12:56 pm.
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Blackjack

A man goes to the police station wanting to speak to the burglar who broke into his house the night before. ‘You’ll get your chance in court,’ says the desk sergeant. ‘No, no, no! says the man. ‘I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I’ve been trying to do that for years!’
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Blackjack

An old Indian chief sat in his hut on the reservation, smoking a ceremonial pipe and eyeing two U.S government officials sent to interview him. "Chief Two Eagles" asked one official, "You have observed the white man for 90 years. You've seen his wars and his technological advances You've seen his progress, and the damage he's done." The Chief nodded in agreement. The official continued, "Considering all these events, in your opinion, where did the white man go wrong?" The Chief stared at the government officials for over a minute and then calmly replied; "When white man found the land, Indians were running it. No taxes, no debt, plenty buffalo, plenty beaver, women did all the work,Medicine Man free, Indian man spent all day hunting and fishing, all night having sex." Then the chief leaned back and smiled ..... "Only white man dumb enough to think he could improve system like that."
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Blackjack


Temperature
60 above - Floridians wear coats, gloves, and wooly hats. Chicago people sunbathe.

50 above - New Yorkers try to turn on the heat. Chicago people plant gardens.

40 above - Italian cars won't start. Chicago people drive with the windows down.

32 above - Distilled water freezes. Lake Michigan's water gets thicker.

20 above - Californians shiver uncontrollably. Chicago people have the last cookout before it gets cold.

15 above - New York landlords finally turn up the heat. Chicago people throw on a sweatshirt.

0 degrees - Californians fly away to Mexico. Chicago people lick the flagpole and throw on a light jacket over the sweatshirt.

20 below - People in Miami cease to exist. Chicago people get out their winter coats.

40 below - Hollywood disintegrates. Chicago's Girl Scouts begin selling cookies door to door.

60 below - Polar bears begin to evacuate Antarctica. Chicago's Boy Scouts postpone "Winter Survival" classes until it gets cold enough.

80 below - Mount St. Helen's freezes. Chicago people rent some videos.

100 below - Santa Claus abandons the North Pole. Chicago people get frustrated when they can't thaw the keg.

297 below - Microbial life survives on dairy products. Illinois cows complain of farmers with cold hands.

460 below - ALL atomic motion stops. Chicago people start saying. . ."Cold 'nuff for ya??"

500 below - Hell freezes over. The Chicago Cubs win the World Series.
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cricket55
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What did the MaMa buffalo say to her son as he walked away????









Bison.
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Blackjack

A nun tells other nuns about how she was attacked the night before. She explains her escape, "I stopped and pulled my dress up." Shocked, the other nuns ask, "And then what?" "He pulled his pants down," the nun replies, "And then I ran. A nun with her dress up can run much faster than a man with his pants down."
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