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Super-duper Joke Thread
Topic Started: February 21, 2014, 10:11 am (62,954 Views)
Blackjack

After giving it some thought I have decided to create the Super-duper Joke Thread where all of the jokes can be posted rather than opening a new thread every day. This way you all can add jokes of your own too. Let's go!

Emergency call.

There was a hysterical call at the fire department, and it went like this:
Caller: Help me, please help me; there is a cat meowing and yowling with frequency and urgency. It is going to hurt me, it's going to kill me; can you please help me, and send the fire squad right away?
Fire Department:Take it easy, cats don’t hurt us, just relax wait until he leaves.
Caller:You don’t understand it is going to bite me, it is going to kill me; it is going to be fatal!
Fire Department: Cats aren’t like snakes or spiders that are poisonous, by the way who is calling?
Caller: I’m Josephine’s parrot you jerk! Help me please, please help!


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Blackjack

Bwahaha!
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Blackjack

A trucker came into a truck stop cafe and placed his order. He said, I want three flat tires, a pair of headlights and pair of running boards. The brand new blonde waitress, not wanting to appear stupid, went to the kitchen and said to the cook, This guy out there just ordered three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards. What does he think this place is, an auto parts store? No, the cook said. Three flat tires mean three pancakes, a pair of headlights is two eggs sunny side up, and running boards are 2 slices of crisp bacon. Oh, OK! said the blonde. She thought about it for a moment and then spooned up a bowl of beans and gave it to the customer. The trucker asked, What are the beans for, Blondie? She replied, I thought while you were waiting for the flat tires, headlights and running boards, you might as well gas up!
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Blackjack

Two drunks are walking along. One drunk says to the other, "What a beautiful night, look at the moon." The other drunk stops and looks at his drunk friend. "You're wrong, that's not the moon, that's the sun." They began to argue when they come upon another drunk. They asked, "Sir, could you please help settle our argument? Tell us what that thing is up in the sky that's shining. Is it the moon or the sun?" The third drunk looked at the sky and said, "Sorry, I don't live around here."
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Blackjack

A man left work one Friday afternoon. Being payday, instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend hunting with the boys and spent his entire paycheck. When he finally appeared at home, Sunday night, he was confronted by a very angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions. Finally, his wife stopped the nagging and simply said to him, "How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?" To which he replied, "That would be fine with me." Monday went by and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results. Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.
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M. Hawbaker
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:heh
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Blackjack

The human body is a machine that is full of wonder. This collection of human body facts will leave you wondering why in the heck we were designed the way we were. 1.. Scientists say the higher your I.Q. The more you dream. 2.. The largest cell in the human body is the female egg. 3.. The smallest is the male sperm. 4.. You use 200 muscles to take one step. 5.. The average woman is 5 inches shorter than the average man. 6.. Your big toes have two bones each while the rest have three. 7.. A pair of human feet contain 250,000 sweat glands. 8.. A full bladder is roughly the size of a soft ball. 9.. The acid in your stomach is strong enough to dissolve razor blades. 10.. The human brain cell can hold 5 times as much information as the Encyclopedia Britannica. 11.. It takes the food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach. 12.. The average human dream lasts 2-3 seconds. 13.. Men without hair on their chests are more likely to get cirrhosis of the liver than men with hair. 14.. At the moment of conception, you spent about half an hour as a single cell. 15.. There is about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet. 16.. Your body gives off enough heat in 30 minutes to bring half a gallon of water to a boil. 17.. The enamel in your teeth is the hardest substance in your body. 18.. Your teeth start developing (in your gums) 6 months before you are born. 19.. When you are looking at someone you love, your pupils dilate, they do the same when you are looking at someone you hate. 20.. Blondes have more hair than dark-haired people. 21.. Your thumb is the same length as your nose. 22.. At this very moment I know full well you are putting this last fact to the test ... now remove your thumb from your nose and pass this on to the friends you think might be interested in comparing their thumbs to their noses as well. You did it -- I KNOW you did !!!!!
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cricket55
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:lol
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Blackjack

A helicopter carrying passengers suddenly looses engine power and the aircraft begins to decent. The pilot safely performs an emergency landing in water, and tells the passengers to remain seated and to keep the doors closed, stating that in emergency situations, the aircraft is designed to stay afloat for 30 minutes, giving rescuers time to get to them. Just then a man gets out if his seat and runs over to open the door. The pilots screams at him, "Didn't you hear what I said, the aircraft is designed to stay afloat as long as the doors remain closed?!". "Of course I heard you", the man replied, "but it's also designed to fly, and look how good that one worked out!!"
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Blackjack

A woman applying for a job in a Florida lemon grove seemed too qualified for the job. 'Look Miss,' said the foreman, 'have you any actual experience in picking lemons?' 'Well, as a matter of fact, yes!' she replied.? 'I've been divorced three times.'
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Blackjack

When a woman wears a leather dress A man's heart beats quicker, He goes weak in the knees, And he begins to think irrationally. Ever wonder why? Because she smells like a new truck.
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cricket55
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:fish
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Blackjack

Dolphins are so intelligent that within a few weeks of captivity they can train a man to stand on the edge of their pool and throw them fish three times a day.
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M. Hawbaker
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:lol
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Blackjack

On their 50th wedding anniversary and during the banquet celebrating it, Tom was asked to give his friends a brief account of the benefits of a marriage of such long duration. "Tell us Tom, just what is it you have learned from all those wonderful years with your wife?" Tom responds, "Well, I've learned that marriage is the best teacher of all. It teaches you loyalty, meekness, forbearance, self-restraint, forgiveness -- and a great many other qualities you wouldn't have needed if you'd stayed single."
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M. Hawbaker
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What is the definition of a good farmer?

























































A man outstanding in his field!

:bolt
Edited by M. Hawbaker, February 26, 2015, 1:04 pm.
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