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| Super-duper Joke Thread | |
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| Tweet Topic Started: February 21, 2014, 10:11 am (62,956 Views) | |
| Blackjack | February 21, 2014, 10:11 am Post #1 |
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After giving it some thought I have decided to create the Super-duper Joke Thread where all of the jokes can be posted rather than opening a new thread every day. This way you all can add jokes of your own too. Let's go! Emergency call. There was a hysterical call at the fire department, and it went like this: Caller: Help me, please help me; there is a cat meowing and yowling with frequency and urgency. It is going to hurt me, it's going to kill me; can you please help me, and send the fire squad right away? Fire Department:Take it easy, cats don’t hurt us, just relax wait until he leaves. Caller:You don’t understand it is going to bite me, it is going to kill me; it is going to be fatal! Fire Department: Cats aren’t like snakes or spiders that are poisonous, by the way who is calling? Caller: I’m Josephine’s parrot you jerk! Help me please, please help! |
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| cricket55 | December 16, 2014, 11:36 am Post #511 |
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Howard dies and stands in line for Judgement. Howard notices that some go straight into Heaven. He watches as Satan tosses some poor souls into the burning pit and some others are tossed aside. Curious Howard asked Satan why he tossed some into the buring pit and others aside. Satan told him the ones tossed aside were from Seattle and were too wet to burn. |
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| Blackjack | December 18, 2014, 6:29 pm Post #512 |
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Here's a good kid joke. Teacher: “This essay on your dog is, word for word, the same as your brother’s.” Student: Yes, sir, it is the same dog.” |
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| barb43 | December 18, 2014, 8:25 pm Post #513 |
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Wish Martha Stewart was My Sister!
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What do you call an elf who steals gift wrap from rich people and gives it to poor people? Ribbon Hood. |
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| Blackjack | December 19, 2014, 12:56 pm Post #514 |
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A preacher was making his rounds on a bicycle, when he came upon a little boy trying to sell a lawn mower. 'How much do you want for the mower?' asked the preacher. 'I just want enough money to go out and buy me a bicycle,' said the little boy. After a moment of consideration, the preacher asked, Will you take my bike in trade for it?' The little boy asked if he could try it out first, and, after riding the bike around a little while, said, 'Mister, you've got yourself a deal.' The preacher took the mower and began to crank it. He pulled on the rope a few times with no response from the mower. The preacher called the little boy over and said, 'I can't get this mower to start.' The little boy said, 'That's because you have to cuss at it to get it started.' The preacher said, I can't cuss. It's been so long since I became a Christian that I don't even remember how to cuss.' The little boy looked at him happily and said, 'You just keep pulling on that rope. It'll come back to ya. |
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| Blackjack | December 20, 2014, 3:23 pm Post #515 |
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A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter "What are you doing?" She asked. "Hunting Flies" He responded. "Oh! Killing any?" She asked. "Yep, 3 males , 2 Females," he replied. "How can you tell them apart?" He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone. |
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| Blackjack | December 22, 2014, 9:48 am Post #516 |
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Your groaner of the week. A bear walks into a bar and says, "I want a bourbon and............... coke" The bartender asks "what's with the huge pause?" The bear says, "I've had them all my life. |
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| Blackjack | December 23, 2014, 5:27 pm Post #517 |
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A husband was in big trouble when he forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife told him "Tomorrow there better be something in the driveway for me that goes zero to 200 in 2 seconds flat." The next morning the wife found a small package in the driveway. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale. Funeral arrangements for the husband have been set for Saturday. |
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| cricket55 | December 23, 2014, 7:51 pm Post #518 |
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:rofl |
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| cricket55 | December 23, 2014, 7:53 pm Post #519 |
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What is a good reason for not buying a bicycle?? It gets tired. |
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| Blackjack | December 24, 2014, 5:17 pm Post #520 |
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A man's car stalled on a country road one morning. When the man got out to fix it, a cow came along and stopped beside him. "Your trouble is probably in the carburetor," said the cow. Startled, the man jumped back and ran down the road until he met a farmer. The amazed man told the farmer his story. "Was it a large red cow with a brown spot over the right eye?" asked the farmer. "Yes, yes," the man replied. "Oh! I wouldn't listen to Bessie," said the farmer. "She doesn't know a thing about cars." |
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| Blackjack | December 25, 2014, 12:29 pm Post #521 |
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What did the dog say to the hot dog bun? "Are you pure bred?" |
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| Blackjack | December 26, 2014, 11:28 am Post #522 |
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A woman walks up to an old man sitting in a chair on his porch. "I couldn't help but notice how happy you look," she said. "What's your secret for a long, happy life?" "I smoke three packs a day, drink a case of beer, eat fatty foods, and never, ever exercise," he replied. "Wow, that's amazing," she said, "How old are you?" "Twenty-six." |
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| Blackjack | December 27, 2014, 8:10 am Post #523 |
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A man was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said, 'You're beautiful.' Then he fell asleep again. His wife had never heard him say that before, so she stayed by his side. A few minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he said, 'You're cute.' The wife was disappointed because instead of 'beautiful,' it was now 'cute.' She asked, 'What happened to beautiful?' The man replied, 'The drugs are wearing off.' |
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| Blackjack | December 28, 2014, 1:02 pm Post #524 |
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A chemistry professor wanted to teach the 5th grade class a lesson about the evils of alcohol, so he produced an experiment that involved a glass of water, a glass of whiskey and two worms. “Now, class. Observe closely the worms,” said the professor putting a worm first into the water. The worm in the water writhed about, as happy as a worm in water could be. The second worm, he put into the whiskey. It writhed painfully, and quickly sank to the bottom, dead as a doornail. “Now, what lesson can we derive from this experiment?” the professor asked. Little Johnny, who naturally sits in back, raised his hand and wisely, responded… “Drink whiskey and you won’t get worms!” |
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| Blackjack | December 30, 2014, 11:42 am Post #525 |
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This married couple were sitting in a fine restaurant when the wife looks over at a nearby table and sees a man in a drunken stupor. The husband asks "I notice you've been watching that man for some time now. Do you know him?" "Yes" she replies, "He's my ex-husband, and has been drinking like that since I left him seven years ago." "That's remarkable" the husband replies, "I wouldn't think anybody could celebrate that long." |
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