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| Super-duper Joke Thread | |
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| Tweet Topic Started: February 21, 2014, 10:11 am (62,957 Views) | |
| Blackjack | February 21, 2014, 10:11 am Post #1 |
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After giving it some thought I have decided to create the Super-duper Joke Thread where all of the jokes can be posted rather than opening a new thread every day. This way you all can add jokes of your own too. Let's go! Emergency call. There was a hysterical call at the fire department, and it went like this: Caller: Help me, please help me; there is a cat meowing and yowling with frequency and urgency. It is going to hurt me, it's going to kill me; can you please help me, and send the fire squad right away? Fire Department:Take it easy, cats don’t hurt us, just relax wait until he leaves. Caller:You don’t understand it is going to bite me, it is going to kill me; it is going to be fatal! Fire Department: Cats aren’t like snakes or spiders that are poisonous, by the way who is calling? Caller: I’m Josephine’s parrot you jerk! Help me please, please help! |
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| Blackjack | December 3, 2014, 12:34 pm Post #496 |
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Two elderly women were out driving in a large car--both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself, "I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light". After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection and the light was red again. Again, they went right through. The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous and decided to pay very close attention to the road and the next intersection. At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was red and they went on through. So, she turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred, did you know you went three red lights in a row...you could have killed us both!" Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh foo, am I driving?" |
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| M. Hawbaker | December 3, 2014, 12:40 pm Post #497 |
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:rofl |
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| M. Hawbaker | December 3, 2014, 12:43 pm Post #498 |
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Farmer Joe was in an accident with a semi-truck. He decided his injuries from the accident were serious enough to take the trucking company responsible for the accident to court. In court, the trucking company's lawyer was questioning farmer Joe, "Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine.'" Joe responded, "Well I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the...." "I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted. "Just answer the question. Did you not say at the scene of the accident, you were fine?" Farmer Joe said, "Well I had just got Bessie into the trailer, and I was driving down the road . . . " The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. Please tell him to simply answer the question." But by this time, the judge was fairly interested in Joe's answer and said, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule Bessie." Joe thanked the judge and proceeded. "Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown out of the truck and into the ditch and Bessie was thrown in next to me. I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident a highway patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me. He said, 'Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her. How are you feeling?''' |
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| Blackjack | December 5, 2014, 4:28 pm Post #499 |
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Just wanted to send you this Warning and to be on the Lookout ! There's absolutely no cause for Alarm. This is just to prepare you for the Event. I thought you would want to know about this e-mail virus. Even the most advanced programs from Norton or McAfee cannot take care of this one. It appears to affect those who were born prior to 1960. Symptoms: 1. Causes you to send the same e-mail twice. 2. Causes you to send a blank e-mail. 3. Causes you to send e-mail to the wrong person. 4. Causes you to send it back to the person who sent it to you. 5. Causes you to forget to attach the attachment. 6. Causes you to hit "SEND" before you've finished. 7. Causes you to hit "DELETE" instead of "SEND." 8. Causes you to hit "SEND" when you should " DELETE." IT IS CALLED THE "C-NILE VIRUS." |
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| Blackjack | December 7, 2014, 10:35 am Post #500 |
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A math student and a computer science student are jogging together in a park when they hear a voice: “Please, help me!” They stop and look. The voice belongs to a frog sitting in the grass. “Please, help me!” the frog repeats. “I’m not really a frog: I’m an enchanted, beautiful princess. Kiss me, and the spell will be broken – and I will be yours forever…” The CS student picks up the frog and examines it carefully from all sides – making not even an attempt to kiss it. “You don’t have to marry me”, the frog continues frantically, “if you’re afraid of the commitment. I’ll do whatever you wish me to do if you just kiss me…” The frog’s voice is silenced, when the CS student puts the animal into the right pocket of his pants. “But why don’t you kiss her?!” the math student asks. “You know”, the CS student replies, “I simply don’t have time for a girlfriend – but a frog that talks makes a really cool pet…” |
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| Blackjack | December 8, 2014, 9:52 am Post #501 |
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A Texas Cattle Rancher and an Illinois Farmer were debating on who had the biggest spread of land. The Texas Cattle Rancher said, "I'll tell ya what son, my ranch is so big that I can get in my pickup truck and start out at the western entrance to my ranch and drive straight east all dog-gone day and still not reach the eastern entrance to my ranch". The Illinois Farmer scratched his head and spit out his chewin' tobacco and replied, "Ya know......I used to have an old pickup truck just like that". |
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| Blackjack | December 10, 2014, 7:59 pm Post #502 |
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Older people have learned that... 1. Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-O to a tree. 2. Wrinkles don't hurt. 3. Families are like fudge . . .mostly sweet, with a few nuts. 4. Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground. 5. Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside. 6. Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy. |
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| Blackjack | December 11, 2014, 11:52 am Post #503 |
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Sign seen in a local diner. "No, we don't have Wi-fi. Talk to each other." |
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| M. Hawbaker | December 11, 2014, 8:34 pm Post #504 |
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:lol |
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| Blackjack | December 14, 2014, 9:07 am Post #505 |
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The teacher of the earth science class was lecturing on map reading. After explaining about latitude, longitude, degrees and minutes the teacher asked, “Suppose I asked you to meet me for lunch at 23 degrees, 4 minutes north latitude and 45 degrees, 15 minutes east longitude…?” After a confused silence, a voice volunteered, “I guess you’d be eating alone.” |
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| M. Hawbaker | December 14, 2014, 11:31 am Post #506 |
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Saudi Arabia seems rather far to go just for lunch. :shrug |
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| Blackjack | December 15, 2014, 8:05 am Post #507 |
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Ayuh! That's clearly why she is eating alone. |
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| Blackjack | December 15, 2014, 8:10 am Post #508 |
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Little Davie watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. "Why do you do that, mommy?" he asked. "To make myself beautiful," said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue. "What's the matter?" asked Little Davie. "Giving up?" |
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| cricket55 | December 15, 2014, 9:05 am Post #509 |
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:lol |
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| M. Hawbaker | December 15, 2014, 9:59 am Post #510 |
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:heh |
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6:37 PM Jul 10