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| Super-duper Joke Thread | |
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| Tweet Topic Started: February 21, 2014, 10:11 am (62,958 Views) | |
| Blackjack | February 21, 2014, 10:11 am Post #1 |
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After giving it some thought I have decided to create the Super-duper Joke Thread where all of the jokes can be posted rather than opening a new thread every day. This way you all can add jokes of your own too. Let's go! Emergency call. There was a hysterical call at the fire department, and it went like this: Caller: Help me, please help me; there is a cat meowing and yowling with frequency and urgency. It is going to hurt me, it's going to kill me; can you please help me, and send the fire squad right away? Fire Department:Take it easy, cats don’t hurt us, just relax wait until he leaves. Caller:You don’t understand it is going to bite me, it is going to kill me; it is going to be fatal! Fire Department: Cats aren’t like snakes or spiders that are poisonous, by the way who is calling? Caller: I’m Josephine’s parrot you jerk! Help me please, please help! |
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| Blackjack | November 13, 2014, 10:36 am Post #481 |
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A woman, standing nude, looks in the bedroom mirror and says to her husband, "I feel horrible, I look fat and ugly. Pay me a compliment." The husband replies, "Your eyesight is perfect." He never heard the shot.... |
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| Blackjack | November 14, 2014, 11:48 am Post #482 |
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A highly timid little man, ventured into a biker bar in the Bronx and clearing his throat asked, "Um, err, which of you gentlemen owns the Doberman tied outside to the parking meter?" A giant of a man, wearing biker leathers, his body hair growing out through the seams, turned slowly on his stool, looked down at the quivering little man and said, "It's my dog. Why?" "Well," squeaked the little man, obviously very nervous, "I believe my dog just killed it, sir." "What?" roared the big man in disbelief. "What kind of dog do you have?" "Sir," answered the little man, "it's a little four week old female puppy." "Bull!" roared the biker, "how could your puppy kill my Doberman?" "It appears that your dog choked on her, sir." |
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| Blackjack | November 15, 2014, 8:41 am Post #483 |
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Bob, a handsome dude, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 pm. He sat down next to a blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV. The 10 pm news was coming on. The news crew was covering the story of a man on the ledge of a large building preparing to jump. The blonde looked at Bob and said, "Do you think he'll jump?" Bob said, "You know, I bet he'll jump.." The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't." Bob placed a $20 bill on the bar and said, "You're on!" Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy on the ledge did a swan dive off the building, falling to his death. The blonde was very upset, but willingly handed her $20 to Bob, saying, "Fair's fair. Here's your money." Bob replied, "I can't take your money. I saw this earlier on the 5 pm news, and so I knew he would jump." The blonde replied, "I did too, but didn't think he'd do it again." Bob took the money. |
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| Blackjack | November 20, 2014, 6:08 pm Post #484 |
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A friend and I were standing in line at a fast-food restaurant, waiting to place our order. There was a big sign posted. "No bills larger than $20 will be accepted." The woman in front of us, pointing to the sign, remarked, "Believe me, if I HAD a bill larger than $20, I wouldn't be eating here." |
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| Blackjack | November 22, 2014, 12:24 pm Post #485 |
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Two ninety-year old men, Moe and Sam, have been friends all their lives. It seems that Sam is dying, so Moe comes to visit him. "Sam," says Moe, "You know how we have both played and loved baseball all our lives. Sam, you have to do me one favor. When you go, somehow you've got to tell me if there's baseball in heaven." Sam looks up at Moe from his death bed and says, "Moe, you've been my friend many years. This favor I'll do for you." And with that, Sam passes on. It is midnight a couple nights later. Moe is sound asleep when a distant voice calls out to him, "Moe.... Moe...." "Who is it?" says Moe sitting up suddenly. "Who is it?" "Moe, it's Sam." "Come on. You're not Sam. Sam died." "I'm telling you," insists the voice. "It's me, Sam!" "Sam? Is that you? Where are you?" "I'm in heaven," says Sam, "and I've got to tell you, I've got some good news and some bad news." "Tell me the good news first," says Moe. "The good news," says Sam "is that there is baseball in heaven." "Really?" says Moe, "That's wonderful! What's the bad news?" "You're pitching Tuesday!!!" |
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| M. Hawbaker | November 22, 2014, 2:47 pm Post #486 |
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:lol |
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| Blackjack | November 23, 2014, 5:55 pm Post #487 |
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“I was in the restaurant yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately needed to pass gas. The music was really, really loud, so I timed my gas with the beat of the music. After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my coffee, and noticed that everybody was staring at me…. Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod.” |
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| Blackjack | November 24, 2014, 12:23 pm Post #488 |
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“Don’t you agree that ‘time’ is the greatest healer?” “He maybe, but he’s certainly no beauty specialist.” |
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| cricket55 | November 26, 2014, 7:15 pm Post #489 |
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Why was the noodle arrested?? For being an Impasta. |
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| Blackjack | November 27, 2014, 6:14 am Post #490 |
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A team of little animals and a team of big animals decided to play football. During the first half of the game, the big animals were winning. But during the second half,a centipede scored so many touchdowns that the little animals won the game. When the game was over, the chipmunk asked the centipede, “Where were you during the first half?” He replied “Putting on my shoes!”. |
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| Blackjack | November 28, 2014, 5:25 pm Post #491 |
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A businessman boarded a plane to find, sitting next to him, an elegant woman wearing the largest, most stunning diamond ring he had ever seen. He asked her about it. "This is the Klopman diamond," she said. "It is beautiful, but there is a terrible curse that goes with it." "What's the curse?" the man asked. "Mr. Klopman." |
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| cricket55 | December 1, 2014, 6:26 pm Post #492 |
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What do you get when you cross a Turkey and a guitar??? A turkey who can pluck itself. |
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| Blackjack | December 1, 2014, 7:48 pm Post #493 |
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:groan |
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| Blackjack | December 1, 2014, 7:55 pm Post #494 |
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A mother invited some people to dinner. At the table, she turned to her six-year-old daughter and said, “Would you like to say the blessing?” “I wouldn’t know what to say,” the girl replied. “Just say what you hear mommy say,” the woman answered. The daughter bowed her head and said, “Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?” |
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| Blackjack | December 2, 2014, 7:18 pm Post #495 |
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According to my mother, she and Dad decided to start a family soon after he became an officer in the Air Force. When months went by without success, they consulted the base physician, who chose to examine Mom right then and there. "Please disrobe," he told her. "With him in the room??" she yelled, pointing to my father. Turning to Dad, the doctor said, "Captain, I think I found the problem." |
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6:37 PM Jul 10